Monday, June 25, 2012

Daddy is a BIG QUEEN

Olivia says things all the time that are unintentionally funny.  Or...are only funny because I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old boy?  Whichever.  Funny either way.

And I know that all kids do this and all parents tell the stories like they are the most original and hilarious stories ever and then you pretend to belly laugh but really you're thinking about what to eat for lunch or maybe you are wondering if anyone is looking because you have a wedgie to pick.  I know. 

BUT MAH BAYBEE IS ORIGINAL AND HILARIOUS!  And at least when it is a blog you can just click away and avoid the awkward social interaction.  The Internet is fantastic that way.  So is texting.

So Olivia has been saying all kinds of stuff that makes me laugh and it is so inconvenient because my c-section incision still hurts like a bitch when I laugh.  The other day there was a fly in the house and Olivia was going on and on about beating off the fly.

"How about you beat off that fly, Jen*?  How about, when daddy gets home, he beats off that fly?  Maybe Milo** can beat off that fly?"


Olivia got a princess blanket for Christmas, and when she saw Mark all wrapped up in it she yelled, "DADDY IS A BIG QUEEN!"

Yes he is.
Last night she said, out of nowhere, "I like ding dongs!"  She was talking about door bells but I won't even try to deny that I laughed like she meant penises because, come on. 

She likes to pretend that there are all kinds of perils around her swing set - sharks, monsters, and most recently hot lava.  Or, hot lavas.  Which sounds like hot lovahs.  As in, "Ack!  Watch out for those hot lovahs!"

I'm easily amused, is the point.  And I should probably try to get out more because I am clearly talking to toddlers too much.

*She calls us Jen and Mark when she feels like something is very important.  Like beating off flies.
**Milo, our dog,  is the member of our household most likely to beat off a fly.  This opinion is based on his history of giving blow jobs to our other dog, Baxter.  So much dog porn at our house.


PJ said...


Lauren calls Addison, "Assy" ALL the time. The babysitter was really amused by that. And in our house a clock is a "cock" and shampoo is "poopoo". And I find all of this extremely hilarious.

"dog porn" lol!!!

Sarah Amond said...

My little one says "what is it?" constantly but it sounds a whole lot like "asshat". Also, "bless you" sounds like "ass hole" so don't go sneezing around my house if you're overly sensitive.

Let's see some pictures of Sweet Baby A! (Not that Queen Mark isn't adorbs.)

Nic said...

Lol! I'm afraid I have the same immature sense of humour!

Alyse C said...

My 2.5 yr old calls "sticks" "dicks".

1) While on a walk: Mom, there is a dick! There is a biiiiiiiig dick!
2) Wanting a snack: Mom, I want some honey dicks!

aryanhwy said...

Lots of LOLing over here. There's a reason that whenever my mom clips out cartoons that remind her of me and sends them to me, they're usually from the strip "Zits". (Why, yes, I do sometimes resemble a teenage boy, thankyouverymuch.)

Amy said...

My 3yr old has the same issue was Alyse above.

Mommy I need a dick. I need a BIG Dick NOW!

has me in tears!

Kahla said...

The things that kids say crack me up. I'm a teacher and 1st graders tell EVERYTHING!

We too have much doggy porn in our house. Actually it's more of doggy on kitty porn. Poor kitty is always on the receiving end, despite his protests (he doesn't stand a chance because the giving end is a female English Bulldog that greatly outweighs him). We tell the kids they are doing piggy back rides!

Our little girl is 2 1/2 and at church on Sunday there were two bright yellow Corvettes. Her daddy told her they were fast cars and I said bad boys drive fast cars. Her response, "I like bad boys and fast cars." Shit, I think we're in trouble.

-Brandi said...

This post had me crying!!! LOL

We took our foster kids to the nature center yesterday and the little boy, "Dude" was OBSESSED with the lizards. He kept talking to his sister "Goose" about them:

"Goose, I'm going to hold my lizard REAL tight!"
"Do you want to pet my lizard, Goose?"
"I'm going to stick my lizard in this bottle!"

My husband looked at me and said, "We are way to immature for this." LOL

Maddy said...

So I know I have commented LOL before when really I may have just smirked. This time I really did LOL and more than once! Hilarious stuff.

kate said...

Hehehe! Seriously LOLing over here. Thank god we all seem to have the same sense of humor here. Our favorite recently in this house has been-
Daddy: (impersonating Monty Python and the Holy Grail) "What is your favorite COLOR?"
Bridget: (trying to imitate him) "Mommy, What is your favorite cock?"

I'm still laughing about it.

Jayme said...

My boys keep saying something that sounds like 'bitch' but none of us have been able to decipher what they're talking about yet. My 10 yr old had them outside and I guess they offended some little girl... LOL

And I laughed, because I too have the sense of humor of a prepubescent boy.

They also say 'flush' when you sneeze, which I think is their version of 'bless' without the 'you'

AndreaW said...


Heather said...

Love it!!! Also when they are older they come up with great stuff too. Our 11yo daughter is asking us in the car the other day very seriously, "If you eat poop will you die." We went through stuff like yes, you can get really sick, that's why there are those signs in rest rooms that employees have to wash their hands before they go back to work, etc. And then she says, "Wow, I guess you really can eat sh(t and die!!!" LOL. We had a great laugh.

Bekah said...

Gaaaaah! I'm dying! "Hot lovahs"! Seriously, so good.

I am in a house full of boys, so everything is about poop, pee, farts, or chicken butts. I think it's funny most of the time because I'm secretly a teenaged boy (I have a very tiny penis), but it does get old.

jami_mcdougal said...

I have the 12 year old boy mind too. I was in a meeting about fixed assets and the presenter said "when you do do this" and I turned to a co-worker and said "he said doo-doo" and snickered. My daughter called her private parts a "naked". (We're guessing because the only time she heard the word naked was when you could see it!) My husband joked one day that I peed standing up. Daughter pipes up with "yeah, mommy has a long naked." Still makes us laugh and she's 13.

Oak said...

Long time follower...first (?) time commenter. Yeah, I'm the asshole who decides to comment for the first time ever because I'm so deeply amused that your daughter talks about beating off flies...that's really fantastic. I hope she never stops saying that.

Amyjane said...

I am so glad i was able to catch up with your blog today, i have a 6 week old and am feeling a little out of it from the lack of sleep but after reading this post where i almost peed my pants you really made my day, through everything that has happened you always manage to keep your spirit which is amazing, and congratulations on the new addition and again thank you for giving me the giggles with your post about the fly x