Friday, February 11, 2011

Sneaky Woe Spiral

Monday was, like, one of the most ridiculous days ever.* I kept thinking over and over about this blog post on Hyperbole and a Half - The Sneaky Hate Spiral.  Naturally, I have experienced the Sneaky Hate Spiral...a lot.  I don't want to say daily, but close to that.

Anyway, on Monday I experienced a variant of The Sneaky Hate Spiral.  It was similar, but was more of a Sneaky Woe Spiral.

My boobs are hateful, angry bitches.
Mastitis + Thrush + Cracked Nipples + Reynauds = Hateful, angry bitches.

I called my OB and informed them that my boobs are hateful, angry bitches.  So they gave me an antibiotic and told me to suck it up. (Paraphrasing here, slightly.)

Monday morning, Ainsley had surgery.  Heart surgery.  A minor surgery, as far as heart surgeries go, but still.  Surgery.  So it was a stressful morning. 

Right after her PDA Ligation on Monday.
Probably having some really trippy morphine dreams.

Wednesday, two days after her surgery.
Probably having dreams about her upcoming Sumo Wrestling match.
I don't know about you, but looking at this puffy face really reminds me of something...
Hey, hey, hey!  It's Big Fat Steroid Face!

The antibiotic that I got for mastitis got rid of my fever, but did nothing to actually get rid of the infection. My boobs hurt so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight.  I called my OB to let him know that the antibiotic didn't work and to see if I could get something else.   

Oh my hell.  Apparently being allergic to penicillin and having mastitis has the potential to turn into a really big production.  Because my OB was calling and telling me that, since the one antibiotic I tried didn't work?  I needed to go get a PIC line put in to have some sort of superhuman bacteria killer shot directly toward my heart.  Or something slightly less dramatic but still.  How is it possible that there is no other antibiotic in the whole entire world that I can try before I need a PIC antibiotics?

And guess what I did?  I cried.  I bitched.  I complained.  I acted like Olivia when she wants to put her hands in the toilet and I won't let her.   I got all mixed up in the Sneaky Woe Spiral and the PICC talk was the impetus of my descent into complete and utter self-pity woe and despair.  My baby can be in the NICU for forty five days, and have heart surgery, but you want to give me a PIC line?  Well, that I just cannot handle, kind sir.

* le sigh *

So I called a different doctor.   And got a different prescription.  And got some ice cream.  And when I woke up in the morning I felt so much better, like, you know how you feel when you don't think about cutting your right boob off with a dull knife all day? 

I felt that good.

But now it's Friday night, and I'm hanging out in the NICU with one pissed off little neonate.  They tried to wean her off the vent overnight, and she did pretty well for a while.  But then she decided that, meh, breathing is stupid.  So they had to up the vent settings.  She is just miserable over this tube - gagging, writhing, trying to's pretty awful to watch. 

They are going to try to extubate in the morning.  I'm not going to count on anything.  Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised when I come in tomorrow.  We miss being able to hold her!

*Actually, I started this post on Monday.  Then on Tuesday I crossed out Monday and wrote Yesterday.  Then I forgot about it until Thursday but was too lazy to care.  Then I finished it today.**

**FACT: I rule at blogging.


SherilinR said...

as soon as i saw the title of this post, i flashed to allie's sneaky hate spiral. i can totally see how you'd get sucked into the woe spiral. though, when it comes to relating to her posts, i tend to relate to the "this is why i'll never be an adult" or as i always remember it, the "internet forever" one.
i sure hope that baby remembers that breathing isn't overrated.

areyoukiddingme said...

There are like 800 different antibiotics that are NOT penicillin out there - stands to reason one of them might work. Also, if you are having IV antibiotics, how can you hover over pissed-off, extubated baby? Doesn't that doctor know anything? Sheesh.

Hope Ainsley decides that breathing is fun.

alittlebarefoot said...

I'll be thinking of you guys. so glad li'l A's heart surgery went well. Hope she gives the whole breathing thing another chance. let her know it's pretty awesome once you get the hang of it. I even think so and I live in LA.

Mrs. Bee said...

I talked to my husband about your issue with the antibiotic because he's a Pharmacist- he said that because of your penicillin allergy they probably put you on something like clindamycin and since it didn't work- there isn't a whole lot of other antibiotics out there that aren't penicillin derivatives which means they have to use something stronger like vancomycin or gentamycin which are both antibiotics that CAN be taken orally but they wouldn't treat the mastitis unless they get put through a pic line-- and yes there ARE other antibiotics you could use but they aren't usually recommended if you're breast feeding.. like he said bactrim would work but it's not recommended for someone breastfeeding. So the first doctor wasn't completely off base so don't lose faith in him yet ;) I AM happy to hear that you are feeling better though and that Ainsley came through her surgery okay. I continue to keep you guys in my prayers.

Much love,

CKK said...

*** FACT: You rule, period.

Jayme said...

Glad the surgery went smoothly! No matter how 'routine' and 'easy' they say it is, it's always freak out scary when it's your baby!

Katie said...

You still manage to make me laugh even with your woe days. I hope it all passes soon. There's a saying that goes something like This too shall pass ;)

Leah said...

oooooh mama! here's to brighter healthier days, surely not far around the corner for both of you!

Jennifer said...

I'm glad you went and got a second opinion on the antibiotics. The PIC line seemed a bit extreme. My prayers are still with little Ainsley. You DO rock, momma. Blogging is totally not your priority at this time!

Milla said...

Sending love to Ainsley, you're all having such a tough time but no doubt she will get there.

I can't believe they proposed that for your mastitis, I had cefalexin and when that didn't work, some other nonsense pills for mastitis(am also off penecillin), there are loads of options and you did well to find someone who would get you an alternative. It will go and your boobs will stop trying to kill you, you don't have the time to focus on them, they are getting in the way and should do the decent thing and return to being normal boobs as soon as possible so you can think about something else.

I may be kissing up for saying it but you do rule at blogging (give yourself a break).

Emily said...

I hope your bewbs feel better soon.

Ainsley is a rockstar.

S said...

Jen I sent you an email to help you feel better about not being able to breastfeed again & some info. to ease your mind about the PICC line. Even though you didn't end up needing the info. I sent you will make you feel better, in case you have to have one, not that I ever want you to be in that situation. Anyway, I'm glad Ainsley pulled through the surgery ok & I'm glad your boobs are back to feeling like normal boobs & not something you want to rip off.

sassyshell said...

Hang in there, you are doing amazingly and Ainsley is a fighter! Take care of yourself!

Inara Jones said...

Don't worry about us out her in Blogland. You have an itty-bitty who had surgery, so we will understand if you can't update as often. Just know that when you do find a moment, we will all be here to support you and cheer for Ainsley.

How's Olivia holding up through all of this? Hope she's just as ornery as ever, but in a non-exhausting way.

Mrs. 5C said...

I totally giggled at Ainsley saying, "Meh... breathing is stupid". Which, if I were writing it would be very overly dramatic and stressful. You are awesome at blogging, and life in general.

I'm praying for you and your family every Sunday at mass. And in between too.

Oh, and your little chunky baby is absolutely gorgeous. Even in her NICU gear. Now that is skill! ;)

PJ said...

Okayyyyyyyyy, things have got to get better for you, they've just gotta!!!

What a long haul.

I recommend MORE retail therapy. Insurance paid, of course.

Just me said...

"My baby can be in the NICU for forty five days, and have heart surgery, but you want to give me a PIC line? Well, that I just cannot handle, kind sir."

I used to carry around this quote in my wallet:

Any idiot can face a crisis, it's the day to day living that wears you out. ~Anton Chekhov

That's totally how I am. I'm actually very good in an emergency. But my husband eats all of the breakfast granola and I'm a bitch all day.

I just try to keep in mind that those crises (is that the plural of crisis?) wear us down to a point where the little things just seem like explosions. The straw that broke the camel, and all of that.

Hoping your boobs feel better soon, and that Ainsley continues to heal and recover well!

Kathleen said...

Please take care of yourself, Jen. I don't know how you keep finding the strength to bear all the stress and heartache, but you do. Keep on keeping on. Please be sure to watch for PPD and get help if you need it. You're under so much stress.

Julia said...

Oh honey. You have every right to melt! Hopefully Ainsley will be extubated soon...she's still a rockstar. :)

EB said...

You rule at blogging in your sleep. Jesus, if you haven't had a shit ride of it so far. The fact that you're getting out of bed in the morning and haven't given up on the toilet war is a clear indicator that you're holding up pretty damn well. Hang in there.

rebecca said...

You do completely rule at blogging, I love your sense of humor and the fact that you are able to find it even in the midst of the Sneaky Woe Spiral speaks volumes about how much you rock as a person! Glad you no longer feel like cutting off your boobs and hoping Ainsley decides breathing without a vent really isn't so bad. Sending lots of love your way ((hugs))

clearness said...

You are awesome and good for you for throwing your temper tantrum. Hopefully your boobs let you be in charge again.

Glad to hear bity baby is doing better and she's starting to look a bity bit bigger.

Lots of love and prayers for you all!

Kahla said...

Geesh, you'd think you had a lot going on and all with the lack of updates. ;o) So sorry your boobz are killing you, were you killing you, and so glad they are better. continuing to send lots of prayers y'alls way!

KatieR said...

Delurking to send your tons of sympathy and virtual ice cream. You just can't catch a break! Here's hoping you feel even better and Ainsley takes an intense liking to breathing! She's absolutely beautiful!

Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Yes, That's My Real Name. (Hi Dad.) said...


i'm the mastitis queen - (14 times and counting, yo!) so i am not talking out of my ass when i write the following missive:

the first antibiotic that they should give you is keflex (cephalsporen) -- 500 mg 4x day... the thing is, you have been in a hospital setting (yeah, i know, thank you captain obvious) so you may (and please don't hate me) have picked up MRSA -- in which case, if the keflex doesn't knock out the mastitis, OR, if you get sick again, you may need bactrim...

mastitis is evil. period. the end.

and YOU are badass. and you leave me in perpetual awe.

Wendy said...

Glad the different prescription is starting to help. Sounds so incredibly painful.

Your little one is such a tough cookie. Hope she is able to be off the vent soon. Even though she had to go back on it, it sounds like a positive sign that she did well off of it for a little while.

Thinking of you.

Wendy said...

Forgot to add that I'm SO glad that her heart surgery went well.

jdareg said...

You are amazing. Glad the surgery went well.