Friday, March 12, 2010

Blaze of Gluttony

I'd like to say that I rallied from my 12 cookie eating spree.  But the empty sleeve of Thin Mints from last night would heartily disagree from its current residence in the garbage can. 

The good news?  All of my cookies are GONE.  Two boxes in three days, which is...embarrassing, is what it is.  And I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I had to put my mom's three boxes into a bag and hide them in the back of the closet because I am this close to a break with reality and cannot be trusted with cookies just sitting in the cupboard.

What is possibly more embarrassing than eating two boxes of Girl Scout cookies in three days?  How about sitting at Panera on your lunch break, changing the words to Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory" so that it is a moving account of said cookie-related break from reality?  Or!  OR!  How about posting it on the Internet?

I wake up in the morning
And I raise my weary head
I've got cookie debris on my pillow
And crumbs all over my bed
I don't know why I keep eating
Girl Scout Cookies when I actually feel sick
I'm a glutton on a roll
A six cookie gobbler
My big ass blocks the wind, YEAH

When you're given an order sheet
From some adorable little Scout
Well you have to order something
 Maybe just the mints, they're thin
Well, they tell me that I'm hoggin
Yeah, I gained a pound this week

I'm a hog with the cookies
I'm not going to share with anybody
Mister get your hand away from my Samoa
I'm going down (down) in a blaze of gluttony
Weigh me now but don't tell anyone the truth
I'm going out (out) in a blaze of gluttony
And Lord, I never dunked Samoas but I did dunk Thin Mints
I'm no one's diet role model, call me Fat Ass Mc Bad Example.



Mandy said...

hahahaha...I think this is the funniest thing I have ever it!

La Mere Joie said...

That is too funny! I love Thin Mints straight from the freezer. I can't buy them anymore because I, like you, eat them all. In a way too short period of time. Same goes for Reese's pb cups.

Leah said...

That is hysterical, and that you put together Bon Jovi and Girl Scout cookies-- you are a genius.

kimbosue said...

Funny Shiznit!*

*This is one of those pretend cuss words to use in front of our babyees.

Erin said...

Oh my Jesus.

Erin said...


jss said...

If Bon Jovi doesn't record this song, I will never listen to another song of theirs again.

Also, I just died at this post and I'm pretty sure you made my night.

Fluffy Windover said...

It may make you feel better to know that there are fewer thin mints in those sleeves than there used to be. Makes me feel better when I eat an entire sleeve.

Stephanie said...

I haven't gotten my GS cookies yet....still waiting. And I ordered an embarrassing amount which I will eat in about three days.

Crazy Sister said...

I had to get my husband to sing the song for me cause I'm very sad and don't know it. He laughed himself silly.

Glad the cookies are out of your system now...

Dawn's Recipes said...

If I had a cigarette lighter, I'd hold it up to you while reading this post. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't know why you think eating 2 boxes in 3 days is all that bad. I ate a whole box of Tagalongs for lunch yesterday. That's one box in 25 minutes.

AFWingMom said...

Ahhhh ~ a fellow cookie comrade. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this cruel "eat healthy" world. I don't think I've met a cookie I didn't like. ;)