Monday, February 8, 2010

Shucky Darn?

I totally have to stop swearing.

Olivia? Is going to be one this weekend. ONE. As in, an entire year old. I can not believe it, and I'll tell you who else can not believe it: My Lady Business. She has not stopped bitching about the trauma of her birth, what with her I'm So Dry and Ouch Ouch Scar Tissue routine. A real complainer, that one. It's like, she produces the miracle of life then expects everyone to treat her all special.

But anyway, I was tempted to make my first line, "holy fuck, you guys, I have to stop swearing." But then I thought better of it, because you know, I do have some self control. Not to mention standards.

Paragraph 3, it is!

Seriously, though. I love to swear. I love it. I love to swear, and mix swear words to make new swear words. I love to make fun of people who say Fudge and Shucks and Darn by calling them Assholes and possibly giving them the finger.

Except I have a one year old (!!!) and she is starting to imitate the noises we make. And it won't be long before she's all, "I can't stand Jay Leno, he is a total twatwaffle." And then I'll laugh, and she'll know it's funny, then she'll go on a playdate and call some other kid a twatwaffle, and then they won't want to be friends with the lady whose kid says Twatwaffle.

But there is hope, because the Internet is helpful and you guys leave me really funny comments so I know that I can count on you to help me find satisfying, kid-friendly substitutes for my favorite swearz.

My Favorite Cusses:
Flaming Douchebag.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, offuckingcourse.
Bitch face killah! (I honestly have no idea why.)

Dear, sweet, pretty, skinny, perfect-skinned Internet friends - help me replace my favorite swears!

One Year Ago: Next Pregnancy Will Be Jimmy Dean's Love Child

Two Years Ago: Fun With Drug Paraphernalia


HereWeGoAJen said...

I've got nothing. I was a teacher for so long that I stub my toe and quietly and nicely say "ouch!"

Mrs. B said...

I read "Flaming Douchebag" as "Flamingo bag".

(and then I laughed, and re-read it. and laughed again)

YW! xoxo

Mama Bee said...

This probably doesn't help but I love when The Bloggess uses the phrase "douche canoe".

You're welcome.

Sara Parr said...

Shut the Front Door. Stupid, yet funny. Try it, you'll see.

Cheese and Rice is another ridiculously stupid favorite.

Heather Griffith Brewer said...

"Holy Love" replaced my beloved "Motherfucker".
And because I'm a bad mom I laughed my ass off when my son said "Dimmit" at 18 months.

areyoukiddingme said...

Here's what I don't recommend...switching from Fucking to Freaking. Because when your beautiful little girl starts singing "Now I know my Freaking ABC's..." you'll want to laugh through your horror. I speak from experience. That was just for effect, though. It was even more horrifying when I had to take a toy away from her, and put it on a shelf. She marched around the house shrieking "I want my freaking toy!" for literally half an hour.

Best bet? Get your emotional response removed. I had no idea how many things I called stupid and how often I call people idiots until I started hearing her say it. Better yet? Just stop talking entirely!

'Murgdan' said...

I mostly just like that this post caused your Google Ads to place a link to a "Douche Video" that I'm too scared to click on...

I got nothin'. I'm pretty sure my dog thinks his name is "GAWD Dammit Jack" and my fetus is practicing mouthing swear words with his voice silenced only by the amniotic fluid in his vocal cords.

Lauren said...

Greg over at Telling Dad uses "fuzzle" instead of fuck. which kinda makes me think of fuzz and being all soft and warm and cozy. I use "F'ing" a lot...not sure that's better, lol. How about....tool instead of douche? is that better? I dunno. I guess I'm not much help. I gave up swearing for Lent one time and it was the longest 40 days of my life. I actually just couldn't form a complete sentence. Much like Bill Cosby states in his comedy routine "Bill Cosby as Himself." I wish you much luck in your swear-less endeavors!

StartingOver@28 said...

I have wondered on occasion if one of the reasons I don't want kids is that I would have to find ways to not swear...and then my blood pressure would rise because I would slip. I would feel guilty, start to sweat and cuss again. It would be a vicious cycle that is embedded with heart disease and ends with premature death.

So um, I think I am no help.

Anonymous said...

I'm in the same boat. I use to swear that my 14 month old's first word was going to be "shit". Thank god he said "dada" first! I've been known to use the "Fuckity-Fuck-Fuck-Fuck" line once or twice...

Anonymous said...

My mother had a couple of good ones. A car cut her off when I was 18 months old, and she said "son of a..." and stopped herself. I finished up with "it's bitch, mom" and she figured that was it.

She switched to "son of a hooeylooey" and "god bless america" if that's any help.

Brittany said...

My personal favorite is Puss Ass, although I think Douche-a-rooney will be making an appearance at my house in the near future.
I like to think that most parents wait to screw up their kids, so maybe if you get a head start she'll never know you screwed up and be better adjusted than the rest of them, right? RIGHT?! Oh well. At least we'll get our money's worth when we have to start paying for therapy...

Mermaid said...

I can't help. I love to cuss, too. Dumb fuck is my favorite. I'm such a lady. I've used words that have made my husband do a double take.

Dawn's Recipes said...

Well, my husband and I love to watch Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t. On one episode, he referred to a particularly unpleasant woman as a c*ntpickle. Is that not a beautiful word? (Honestly, though, twatwaffle is right up I may have new favorite.) Well, for some reason, the "c word" seems to offend people more than others, so when we want to refer to some lady as being rather intolerable, we refer to her as a pickle. We know what it means, but everyone else just looks confused. It's great!

So, let's see. If irritating women are "pickles", then I think it's safe to say the same quality in men earns them the title of "waffles". :)

kimbosue said...

Like Murgdan, I am laughing at the current ad on your page. "Can your child hear?" as if to imply that if they couldn't, you could swear your ass off and it wouldn't fucking matter?

I have friends that have started "Shut the front door" in lieu of shut the fuck up.

My current favs are shit ass and fucking retard. Oh and dumb fuck.

I have caught myself saying SSSHHH-EEESH around my friend's 2 y/o.

Anonymous said...

My husband frequently goes off on people in traffic and now that we have a child he's been yelling, "Come-on-bubba-move-your-skooties."

I also have warm memories of my great grandpa driving around town calling folks "Dumb Bunny" in traffic. We knew what he meant. But bunny makes you laugh, so it's ok.

That's all I got.

Jessie W said...

Son of a biscuit.
Cheese and Rice.

I love "DOOOOOOOOUUCHE" far too much. I've recently tried to start using "Skadooche" from Kung Fu Panda. Hey, if a cartoon character can say it and it sounds like what I'm going for, I think that I'm in the clear. :@)

Strawberry said...

I'm going to be in the same place as you soon. We're fucked. I try to resort to calling people 'jerkwads' but I don't think I really want to hear my kid saying that either. Well, not more than once anyway.

Mrs. Higrens said...

Fudgesicles and fragnabitz are always good.

Of course, I also came out with a string of obscenities recently that made my husband do a double take and express his surprise that I actually knew some of those words. That's quite an achievement after almost 8 years of marriage.

Anabelle said...

My BFF and i have been calling each other jackasses since we met, but now we just call one another Jack's, which we say with the enthusiasm of saying Fuck or Shit... so it feels good but its not a bad word... its all about compromise and creativity lol

Rowan is 4, so I have now reverted to the silly Darns and all that junk, I hate it but she will repeat what I say in a flash. I was talking to my brother in law the other day who is 19 and he said bastard, and then Rowan said "Who's a bastard mama?" ugh! lol yeah, no fun for me anymore! I do like to say Craptastic, because she has a hard time prounouncing it so that one works haha

Anabelle said...

Oh and you must check out this video of Rowan, I think it'll make you giggle! And it certainly earned me the Parent of the year award.... (rodger is my hubs coworker).

as you can see, Douchebag is a fave word in our household too hehe

Anonymous said...

I just love you. Seriously. You make my day.

Joelle said...

I love to swear too, and making new swear words...especially when driving. but in the work place it's hard to swear, so I use "shut the front door" said in the same tone as shut the eff up...someone always thinks you are going to say the swear and it's funny. also really like, "son of a biscuit" really need to keep the same intonations for these to be really effective. good luck! :)

Jamie said...

I'm a noncussing gal here. Probably one you'd give the finger too, but I will leave you a comment anyway. I use "Freak of Nature" a lot, also "Freakin' A" but the second one is mostly in my head. I grew up in a house where "fart", "butt", and "crap" were BAD words so take it for what it's worth.

Dirkey said...

I call people tool bags alot which I'm not sure if any better than douche bag which is really interchangeable.
for some reason Douchwizzle stick is in rotation as in a hybrid between Douche and Swizzle Stick.. which when you think about it both of them are really awesome words.

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm a swearer myself but with all of our friends who have young children I've had a few years to censor myself around them.

uncomplicateme said...

Dude, j and I are equally screwed. He's (possibly) worse than I am, but we are guilty of over-swearing. Like swearing/making an exclamation when the situation doesn't exactly warrent one. Like: when the weather shows snow for the 4,392nd time this winter? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! Or when our dog won't come inside when it's snowing for the 4,392nd time this winter? GET YOUR FAT ASS IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW! (He's huge, 115 pounds, "fat" is warranted. :)

So I'm trying to do better. So far I'm throwing out a lot of "frack" and "heck" and "what the??".

Maybe there's a 12 step program for people like us?

Either that or B and O will have to get married because they will be the only kids cussing in kindergarten. :)

Carrie said...

I tried to give up swearing for Lent last year since I was 6 months pregnant and trying to get into the habit before she was born.

She's now 7 months old and I'm afraid her first real word might be fuck because after those 40 days, I fell right back into my old habits.

I replaced any form of twat, etc with "tuna". That also could replace ass.

People have been telling me to not say douchebag, but rather DB. I don't understand when douchebag became such a bad word...

Mel said...

My husband and I have already decided that our little precious's first sentence will be "Shut up, ya douche bag dog!" (being that's what we say to the dog who loves to bark, all day every day)
What's a parent to do? Just try your best and maybe cut yourself every time you do slip?
Cutters are cool.

middleagedwaitress said...

What the shiz. Craptastic.
Oh heavens to Betsy (seriously. I teach kids.)
And my fav: What the fluffernutter.
Yep. that's the list.

middleagedwaitress said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Courtney said...

I don't know what to tell you cause some of my favorites are-

fuckity fuck, oh comeon damnit! what the fuck? and are you shitting me?

I personaly think fuck is the best word of all times! It is a noun, a verb, and can go into the middle of words- like in the movie Pretty woman- cinder-fucking-rella!

GL quitting cause I am afraid our girls are going to say fuck or damn it as one of their first words

Brooke said...

Totally with you. I swear more than the spouse. It hasn't been a problem until recently. It is not adorable when your 22 month old says "damn." I've been saying crap and eff a lot. Not nearly as fun.

LaurenKauf said...

Love this and I'm gonna do it too!

Hey, I gave you a blog award, come to my page and check it out!!

Stacy Woodruff said...

I use fucktard entirely too much. And I think twatwaffle will be a new favorite. I never use the c-word, though. That's just rude.

When I'm being nice I use son of a biscuit-eater, and God BLESS America. Also dorkfish is common around here too.

e.k. said...

I've been known to shout "sweet mother of pearl" and or variations thereof from time to time in situations when "holy motherfuckingshit" wouldn't be prudent. please post your winners, I'm going to need some help here in a few months.

Rebecca said...

I was raised in a house where the swear words would fly. But I was taught (early and often) that you DO NOT swear in this house and especially not in front of your mother. It's a respect thing. I'm now 29 and pregnant with my first and I still have a hard time swearing in front of my parents. So I think I'll just swear as much as I want and see how it goes. There's always #2 right? lol

depstein38 said...

I myself am quite fond of "frick and frack" and "God Bless America", as I saw someone else post as well. And when I get really in a snit and I need cussing lite, there's always "crap and a half." And no, I don't really know what it means either.

Finally, I'd like to echo the praise for t-waffle. Love the way it rolls off the tongue...

Though, I gotta tell you, the word it's prompting me to type in just to register this comment is pretty good too: "suackfu"

Erin said...

You are awesome in your swearing and I respect it as an art form... like the Dad in "A Christmas Story"...

I have to echo using "eff" and "effing"... it somehow demonstrates self-control while... not... at the same time.

My husband likes "A-bag", which I guess is a cross between Asshole and Douche-bag...

I am totally guilty of using "poop-stains" instead of shit... it is like it is out of my mouth before I can even stop it.

My 4 year old newphew says "fart-knocker" which he got from his grandpa (my dad). My sister-in-law is thrilled about that...

sheilah said... 3-year old (at the time) son said, "shit, shit, shit" and then was teaching the other preschoolers how to say it. Ummm...yeah, we got a note from his pre-school teacher.

With that said, I about bust a gut watching this, So not gonna help your giving up cussing.

Deena said...

O My COW! was quite popular in my house growing up.

LaurenKauf said...

This post is right up my alley. Since I sell Porn and sex toys for a living, my office chat frequently uses these words, and I don't have to refrain myself nearly as much as most people do. I will be NO help to you as far as changing the format to be more G rated. I would rather Not speak at all than not swear!
One of my personal favorites happens to be "cock-bag". Every time I get an asshole on the phone, when the convo is done, I slammed my phone down and more or less scream COCK-BAG!!!!!!!! at the top of my lungs!

My list includes:
fucking idiot
prick wrinkle
son of a bitch
son of a douche....
my list goes on and on

HOWEVER, I WILL be adding twatwaffle....kudos and thanks!!

Anonymous said...

lint licker!

Maggie said...

I seriously can't stop laughing. You just made my day. Thank you.

My favorite is shit balls. do you think just "balls" is okay? Funny enough that was my daughters first word.

Have a great birthday weekend with your baybee!!!

Amanda S. said...

I personally thought shit wasn't a bad word because i grew up on a farm but now i don't think i want my kid saying that. We had a friend over and he said with his four kids he uses "Sugar Honey Iced Tea" (first letters of SHIT) I thought that was hilarious and it works pretty good not to mention a conversation starter at times. lol Love your blog.

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine says "Oh cuss word." I say flip instead of the eff word.

PS - This was the most amazing blog posts/comments I have read in a long time :)

Jason and Stephanie said...

Try Jackhole! :)

Leah said...

I don't like to curse, but slip every once in a while. I don't think though that Twatwaffle is a bad word I rather like it. I like to say Shut the front door and Shitake mushrooms (from Spy Kids movie) they help alot.

Elly Lou said...

Wait, douche is a bad word? That breaks my heart. Its my favorite. Its douchetastic. Summabitch.

I too say "mother of pearl." Sometimes I'll whip out a "get the flock outta here."

I'm going to call my brother a cuntpickle the next time I see him. I needed something new. He's started to get used to my screaming, "Good luck beating that rape charge," when we part ways in crowded places.

Babe_chilla said...

AHAHAHAH everytime I read your blog, I laugh out loud at my desk. Bad news!

I have a girlfriend who says "Shut the front door" instead of shut the fuk up. I also am a fan of Jeebus. It's my go to non-swear. And I try to just sub effing for fuking, because my dad's fav word is fuk and I use it WAAAAAAAAAY too much so I try to go the effing route. It's something :D

Good luck! I have to stop my swearing too, even though my child is still in utero, I have a niece and 2 close baby friends who are 1-2 years old and saying "Holy Fuk Me" when I stub my toe is ragingly inappropriate.

PS - There is something for you for you on my blog :)

Carrie said...

I think you are getting more ideas for cuss words from this post than replacement words.

Though they are amusing...

I do like "God bless America" as you can instill some patriotism in her while you're at it. :)

Tiffany said...

You are so flippin funny! I agree you are not getting much help, and on that note I offer... Dickhole!

Jaime said...

You are truly fantastic!! I stumbled upon your blog recently and everytime I read your blog I laugh out loud. I Dont really have any suggestions for new words because I swear like a salior but like you I have a one year old little girl and I really don't want her walking up to someone and saying "Hi, douche bag or fuck off"
Twatwaffle is super and I will be stealing that from you if you dont mind!!

mollym said...

Hi, my name is Molly and I like to cuss. LOTS. I could probably make a sailor blush. Fuck is my all~time fave word. It can be a sentence all by itself, just by changing the endings and intonation... how awesome is that?! I think that adding a term of endearment/yummy food after a derogatory name names it fun, ex: skankmuffin. (much like twatwaffle) That doesn't help you though...

Adding Holy in front of any word makes it a good "clean" choice. Ex: Holy cupcakes!
When I taught for a few years, I learned "For the Love". PPs kept talking about stubbing their toes, a more child-appropriate response is "FOR THE LOVE, that hurt!".
Another more inappropriate personal fave is punkass.
Good luck on your journey with cleaning your mouth up... I know I am going to be the mom that laughs when notes and phone calls from preschool start. I'll be all "Yes, honey, Ann Arbor is a whore, but you can't say that at school." lol.

Jason and Stephanie said...

My husband picked up some filth at work... he told me to "quit flapping my cum dumpsters" and referred to me as a "cum guzzling whorebag" (jokingly of course) we tend to use those words often. I'm gonna have to tone that down.. I'd hate for my daughter to call my mom that or say "Nana, quit flappin your cum dumpsters!"

ams33 said...

"OH SUGAR" I Seriously looked cross-eyed at the former co-worker who implanted this in my brain.

The H's said...

Apparently Crotch Pheasant & Muff Puffin are good ones. Although, I just like to string a few together like jesuschristyoubunchofstupidfuckingassholes

Also, if you want a lesson in swearing there's no better teacher than Ari Gold on Entourage....i think my fave is Rusty C*nt Buckets

erin said...

oh.em.gee. wait until she's 3. and you can't even lie anymore. like when you tell your MIL that you couldn't make dinner because riley was sick and he goes "no i wasn't". or when he asks why the toy she got him doesn't work. so you tell him "because it's a frickin piece of junk". so he asks her why she got him a "frickin piece of junk". now i have to be careful not to talk about how my friend's kid drives me batshitcrazy. because the little booger will rat me out. whose side is he on anyway?
i'm just hoping my daughter's first words aren't "bitch, i do what i want" (but really, she does do what she wants. so maybe it's ok if it's the truth??)
it might just be easier to get her accustomed to your household language now. that way, when you come home from work, she'll be all "man, mom, this frickin idiot douchebag at preschool was all up in my biznaz so i punched him in his douchey face" and you can be like "i know! that totally happened to me at work with this mo-ron. what is WITH people?!?"

Anonymous said...

I have absolutely nothing constructive to add, but I almost peed myself laughing over "twatwaffle" and "c*ntpickle." Honorary mention goes to "skankmuffin" and "douchewizzle stick."

Maybe there is good mileage out of "studmuffin" or "son of a marsupial"?? Just tossing ideas out. But I think it's partially the intonation -- I mean if you scream ANYTHING sufficiently loudly and angrily it's pretty damn satisfying -- but partially the thrill of screaming something socially unacceptable that makes swearing so much fun. So whatever you find to replace it will not be as fun ...

Wait, maybe I did have something to add?

Anonymous said...

I Like dillweed. It's innocuous enough to use on TV

Anonymous said...

Why don't you replace them with some Brit swears like Bollocks and Tosser. They sound great, but no one in the US really knows what they mean, so you're likely to get away with them!

Erin said...

I have a habit of saying "oh for christ's sake" and my mom says "oh for crying out loud", so what does my sone come up with? "Oh for christ out loud". Priceless.

Personally I like Farking and sheister. But I still use the rest too. My personal rule in our house is that the kids can swear all they want in the house, as long as they are not calling each other these names, but once we leave our house, the naughty words stay there.

Laura said...

I love seeing what other swear words others use, I'd like to add them to my vocabulary, but I too have twins who are talking, so I need to be careful, I try to say stuff like- "She's a B" "get off my A" basically I just use the first letter and hope to God my kids think I'm practicing my alphabet!

I save the good ones for when the kids are in bed! Let the cussing begin!

Erin said...

I am not a Sci-Fi dork, but a guilty pleasure is the Battlestar Galactica TV show the show is genius in teh sewaring department because they have replaced "Fuck" with "Frack". They use frack in all the appropriate places, tenses, and usages where you could use fuck... and it is on TV without an issue.

"Don't be a fracking idiot!"
"Oh Frack!"
"That is fracked up!"

I am not even kidding... Genius. It is like a big FRACK YOU to the crazy TV sensors.

Minta said...

I have had six long years to practice not swearing in front of the C's, while maintaining my ability to embarrass sailors as soon as the kiddies vanish. I don't think my dogs will know what to think if/when there's a little one here full time, they might have to learn that their names are not "will you lazy assholes shut the fuck up, puh-fucking-lease!"

Anyway, replacements:

- Son of a crap
- Son of a cracker
- Chick (for bitch)
- Cootie Queen
- Toolbox
- Mother of grrrr
- Mother blasted
- Mother flip
- Craptastic
- Crapalicious
- What the crap (see how multi-purpose crap can be?)
- Dill pretty much universally in place of dick (dillhead, dillweed, dilling around)
- Pancakes (as in "Oh, pancakes!" or "why the pancakes?")
- French in place of fuck "shut the french up" or "what the french did you do that for?" or "mother frencher"
- Mary had a little lamb in place of mother fucker
- Mayo or sauce in place of jizz (ala "saucetastic" or you know for insuating my husband, brother and/or their friends are all ghay "you gotta little mayo on your chin")
- speaking of ghay, I've replaced it with pretty and fag with stag or fairy

OK, I'm sure there's more. I'm also certain that even at 6 Big C has figured out my game, and knows a ton-of-a-lot of their actual meanings, but he uses the made up words if any "curses" at all, so... so far, so good.

Stephanie said...

I have absolutely nothing to add except that my sailor vocabulary was just upped by a shitload of new words! YAY for reading Jen's blog! I've been laughin all day at these. And I work with kids that I call "pre-prisoners" so these and more are rolling around in my head all day.

The Nurturing Pirate said...

How about: "Oh, for fuck's sake..." Oh....wait.

Hmm, guess I can't help much. I pretty much save them up for my husband, who, I must say, is not real appreciative. He, for one, did not grow up as a sailor, like I did.

Inara Jones said...

My mother was queen of "alternative cursing," and loved to add ridiculous words to the end of any alternative curse word. Some gems of hers:

Fudgesicles and applesauce

God bless America and save the freakin' whales

Son of a Biscuit-Eating-Monkey

Shitake Mushrooms in wine sauce


Jeeezus-Christ Superstar


Anonymous said...

Crotch Pheasant

I have not laughed this hard in a LONG LONG time!!!!!!!

I will be adding these to my vocab!!!!

Some personal new faves of intermingled words:

Slut + Whore = Slore
Slut + C*nt + Slunt

Better effect if you picture the "Electric Company" shadowed profiles saying it!!!!!

Good luck to you!!!

Lauren said...

dodohead cooty queen

Krystle said...

Oh, I wish I could help you with this one, but your favorite curse words are too fantastic to replace. I will be adding several to my repetoire. Douchebag is my favorite word, and so easy to combine with other words to make new things to yell at other drivers. More of my favorites:
-douchebaguette (for the ladies)
-douchehole (which counts as two because of the combination of douche and asshole)

Good luck.

Sandy said...

How is it possible Jen? A year?

Oscar will also be one on Saturday. Happy birthday to Olivia on Sunday!

I know what you mean about the swearing. What in the effing hell are we going to do?

I think Oscar is also going to inherit my bad habit of crying and eating too many cookies.

Lauren.Furrer said...

I now let spellcheck make all of my cussing corrections. It's great. Spellcheck suggested that when I say "douchebag" I really mean "dishrag" and when I say "dipshit" I really mean "upshot."

Delenn said...

I am late on this but I have to re-start this project. I did so well once my son turn 1 years old, but as time went on, the swears came back (mainly caused by the chaos of the two boys, I mean, uh, my husband and son). So, now my son will be turning 11 years old in a few days...and he knows many swears by now.

BUT, we have his little sister turning 2 in a few months--so, its time to stop swearing (at least for a little bit!)

Ones that worked in the past:




And NOW I am going to add:

Fracking (from Battlestar Galatica)

Good Luck!

Superstar said...

OH.MY.HELL. = Oh.Mom.Hell
Douchebag. = Douchebox
Flaming Douchebag. = Flamingo Douchebag
Douche-a-rooney = Douche-a-rodney
AhMahFuckingGah = AhGahFuckingMah
Shut the fuck up. = Shout the fuck up
Shiiiiiiiiit. = Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
Oh, offuckingcourse. = Doh, offuckingcourse
Bitch face killah! (I honestly have no idea why.) = Bitch farce killah

Righty (21 mos) said her first bad word the other day. Dh was playing Wii and since it plots against him, he said, "Ah dammit" when he lost and she promptly repeated it about fifty times. That's my girl. So hard not to laugh at her. Good luck with that shit. Oh, I mean good lark with that shit.

Chel said...

I'm with Jamie...probably another girl you'd give the finger too! I also grew up in a house where fart wasn't allowed and was replaced with words like fluffy or frunkle. Fluffy was my mom's idea and to this day I still find it as ridiculous as I did back when I was 10! It almost physically hurt just typing it. My kids are 5 and 7and my husband and I sucessfully stopped swearing around them when they started can be done!
A phrase I spit out the other day (without thought) while on the phone with my cousin (who laughed hysterically) to my son (who was sitting on top of the entertainment center at the time)...What in the BLAZES are you doing?!?!?!
That same cousin and I also used words like q-tip, grey hair and goat roper for old people that just really fry you and can't drive. If this old goat roper would just get out of the way!!! I'm not sure why we chose a barn animal but you could yell, crazy pig farmer, sloppy cow milker, or something like that! You could vent frustration and teach Olivia her animals at the same time! And I'm totally OK with it if you're giving me the finger right now.

But I will admit, and this is a true story...I'm student teaching and walked into a classroom the other day and a teacher I used to admire and hate because she's so pretty, tiny & perfect was wearing her nice argyle sweater and perfect make-up with her hair pulled back guessed it...pigtails. I did mutter an OH.MY.HELL and thought of you :)

Nikki said...

I'm not a parent, so I have lots of fucks and shits that I can still say :)
List of favorite cusses:
Fuck stick
Uber Douche
Douche Hole
Douche Nozzle
Fucking cunt
Ass hat
"what kind of fuckery is THIS?!"
Fuck off
Your mom
Suck it
Dick bag
Dick hat/pants/shoes/shirt
One of my BFF's is a Southern Belle who is mommy of 3. Her favorite things to say are:

Bless his/her/your heart
Gosh Darn it!
God Bless it!
Dog Gone It
Son of a Biscuit/Beach

Elle said...

Laughed my ass off reading this! Thanks to all for the creative potty mouth additions!

I love to swear. My husband likes to make shit up. Here are a few of our favs:

Fupa (Fat Upper Puss* Area)
bunt (combo of belly and c*nt)
stussy (use your imagination!)
fuck face
ass monkey
dick wad

censored favs: (used when I taught middle school)

Good night nurse!
Holy batman (usually would insert a word in between like Holy Heatwave Batman! You know, when I really wanted to say Holy Mother Fucking Sauna Batman!)

Totally love twatwaffle and crotch pheasant!

Anonymous said...

I personally try to use "Son of a nutcracker!" when I am trying to cut back. It's stolen from Elf if you haven't seen it, but it helps roughly 25% of the time. Hey, I'm a work in progress.

Law Momma said...

hee hee. I still chuckle when I hear or read cuss words.

My new favorite is Son of a ... POOOOOOP. With the poop sounding more like a bleeped out word on tv. I'm not much help either, I'm afraid b/c I just can't control my cussing. Husband is always giving me nasty looks about it!

Anonymous said...

Say "balls!" really loud, it always makes me feel better.

Cernanec Family said...

I'm pretty sure one of my girls' first words was "Damn". Yeah, there were "mama" and "dada", but "damn" was the first real word. One of the other triplets chose "yuck" as her first word. It is yet to be determined what our Olivia will first say. "Fuck" sounds good, though. Easy, and rolls right off the tongue. Maybe she'll even toss a "Fuck you" to one of her a whole phrase.

Ah, precious.

Sheila said...

I personally think swearing is a very unintelligent way to express oneself. I grew up in a family of six children. I was the only girl in the family. My dad used the word "cunt", "twat" and "fuck" in every other sentence. Just normal conversation. If you don't think that impacts a young girl and how she feels about herself, you are wrong. Swearing and denegratory name calling is not funny. It will be even less funny when you hear it coming out of your baby's mouth. Grow up.

LLL said...

Shut the Fffffront door. I don't know why but it makes me laugh. Like snort laugh out my nose and throat.

kim said...

I know I'm late to the game on this one, but my favorite sub is "Mother, Father, Cocker Spaniel."

Word verification made me laugh "dicar." *snort*