Monday, February 22, 2010

The Fury and The Hand Mirror

On my way to work, I was word vomiting in my head over a post about how My Aunt Florence and how someone should drag her into the street and beat her sensless.

This will probably make you very sad, but I completely lost my train of thought when I got stuck behind a rusty old van doing 50 in the fast lane. Not just the fast lane, but the fastest lane in three lanes of rush hour traffic. And everyone behind me was passing him on the right, so I was stuck looking at his driver's side mirror.

The mirror on any other day would have been annoying. But today it was infuriating. It was infuriating because I was being ripped in two by period cramps on my way to work. And it is Monday. Florence makes it so that I am filled with fury much more easily than normal. (which is pretty easy in general, if we're being quite honest.)

So anyway, I was filled with The Fury. That's what I want you to know at this point. Because of my peeerrrrriooood. You are welcome.

This van, driving in the fastest lane and totally killing my 75 mph turnpike mojo, had apparently lost its driver's side mirror.


Ever resourceful, this speed demon used duct tape to secure a hand mirror to the place where his side mirror should be. Upside down, handle in the air, woot woot!

I know I'm not supposed to swear. But seriously? A motherfucking handmirror? COME ON NOW!

Because, really, how much could a new mirror cost? I'd almost rather a person go to Auto Zone and steal a mirror before pulling this sort of maneuver. Plus, I hate duct tape anyways because the boss at my first job used duct tape on EVERYTHING. And he always wore sweatpants and his buttcrack showed when he bent over, which was like ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY.

Of course my completely warped brain starts to form a ridiculous scenario. Like, some filthy hairy disgusting mid-40's guy, sitting on his toilet and flipping through a Farmer's Alminac from 1997, thinking about how to fix his mirror while taking a monstrous toilet-clogging dump. And he's just totally stumped until he looks to his right and sees the mirror he was using to get a better view of his backne and UREKA! Problem solved!

I was so tempted to take a picture with my phone, but I was too busy focusing my death glare directly into his rearview mirror. I was really hoping that he would take my same turnpike exit because I really wanted photographic proof. And I wanted to give him the finger. No such luck.

You'll just have to take my word on it.


uncomplicateme said...

Sorry about AF's untimely visit. That all sorts of sucks.

In high school my supa-cool Dodge Neon had an unfortunate run-in with the side of the garage door opening and thus lost its passenger side mirror. Cost of a new mirror? $325. For a mirror on a Neon. So since the car was black and all my dad just patched the hole with electrical tape. Which is better than a hand mirror, but not by much. But also better than $325.

Crossed Fingers said...

Ah - I love the fix-it ideas some people come up with. Things that make you say "WTF"

Parsing Nonsense said...

A hand mirror, huh? Well, at least he's resourceful. I can't wait to see that van featured on the People of Walmart blog!

Mrs. B said...

I am SO with you, hating AF. My aunt decides to visit every 70-ish days, bringing with her the rage and fury of all the women in hell. I asked my husband how you can wait in eager anticipation for said woman to arrive and within hours, hate her like no hate ever before. Hang in there.

Kitty said...

LMAO! (That's "arms," by the by, not the other word which I too have given up saying (for Lent).)

I think I've seen that guy before! And between AF and Mr. Fix-it-speed-demon, I think your fury is completely justified.

Mrs. Higrens said...

All the rusty old vans going 50 in the super-fast lane I get stuck behind also have either a crap muffler or are suffering from a lack of muffler altogether, so in addition to the anger my inner speed racer feels at getting caught like an idiot, I also get the pleasure of asphyxiation.

Glad that didn't happen to you!

Jen said...

You know what they say...(I don't know who *they* is).

"If you can't duct it.....f*ck it"

I'm just sayin'.

And The Fury would have been with me also.

Michelle said...

We just replaced the mirror someone kindly removed without leaving a note. $621.83

I'd rather have a dollar store hand mirror and over $600 in Cadbury mini eggs. But that's just me.

areyoukiddingme said...

Funny. Someone stole my friend's side mirror this weekend. Maybe their handmirror broke.

kimbosue said...

What the F? Why are post baby periods of the devil? GAH! My cramps have been killer! And I was totally giving some Grandpa the death glare also into his rearview last week...also in the fast lane - of 5 lanes - going the slowest! I think TXDOT needs to paint Slowest, slow, speed limit, fast, fastest in the lanes!

Dawn's Recipes said...

Haha! Too bad you weren't able to get a picture. That would be a perfect submission for

Oh my...still LOL at the thought of him getting a better view of his backne! :) Thanks for the laugh!

renee said...

to fully appreciate the situation you've just put me in, you must know that i have this cough (for like 2 wks) and every time my breathing changes (at all) i start coughing, and coughing. and coughing. and then i vomit. it's awesome.
sooooo i was laughing so hard at your scenario that the coughing started. josh says "are you gonna be ok?" i said "no. i think jen is about to make me vomit" (as i laughed and coughed...). thank you. i really needed that ;-)

Just me said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's hysterical!

JenJen said...

That is absolutely hilarious. I think duct tape does it all. I once used it to hold my bike intact. That's right. I rode a bike that was being held together with duct tape.

He was pretty resourceful, though, don't you think?

Shauna said...

You crack me up!

My husband is (was) a fan of duct tape......until I threw the whole damn role in the trash can and banned him for life of ever using duct tape again. I found duct tape residue on the underside of my dining room table (he taped a towel over the table for poker night), on my couch (he taped tin foil to the couch to dissuade the dogs from CHEWING on said couch), and the final straw was when I found duct tape residue on a window sill (he duct taped a piece of card board to the window sill to act as a door mat for the doggie door that he installed IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WINDOW). I know what you are, we DO NOT live in a double-wide, nor do we have a car up on cinder blocks in our front yard. Not only is my husband no longer allowed to use duct tape, but he must also share his brilliant ideas with me BEFORE he moves to the 'implementation' stage.

I love love love LOVE your blog! I especially love that you are a mom who is not afraid to let a swear word (or two....or ten) fly. My husband gets so pissed when I swear; it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

Thank you for making my day!