Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Ho ho ho and a bottle of Pedialyte

On Saturday night, we went to a Christmas party for kids. Santa was there.
And don't get all excited to see a delicious picture of Olivia screaming her fool head off on Santa's lap. She freaking loved Santa! He gave her a candy cane and she was all, "I want a Barbie Hot Tub Palace and a $200 gift card to Baby Gap, and I also want to yank on your beard. Kthxbai."

The party was a success for everyone involved, until Olivia barfed on the floor.

The evening started off swimmingly. After three families showed up with kids dressed in their Christmas finest, I had to send Mark home to get Olivia's Christmas getup. Because I am not competent enough to realize that you dress your kid in her Christmas dress at a Christmas party, and so I put her in a pink and navy blue dress with leggings OH MY GOD.

The thought crossed my mind before we left. But, I was afraid that she would spit up on her dress and then be dressless on Christmas. Which, HA.HA.Motherfucking HA.

So, yeah. Olivia puked pizza.

Now, this isn't Mark's version of puke, which is a tiny bit of spit up. This was...projectile. Rank. Chunky. VOMIT.

This was...all over me, the carpet, the toys. Luckily? No children were drenched in the Great Christmas Barf of 09. Luckily? Three of our friends were there to wipe me off and bring me a towel.

Olivia has only done one other actual VOMIT. Both times I was totally mature and responsible, and yelled "HALP! HALP! HAAAAAALP!" And you know how people always say that it won't be gross when it's your kid? Yeah, that's total bullshit. It was completely disgusting.

The thing is, is that I didn't care. I felt bad for her. Awful. I went to Walgreens with vomit all over my pants and sweater to buy a new rectal thermometer (ours broke*) and some Pedialyte.

The girl in line in front of me sniffed the green cloud air around me and crunched up her nose. That sounds like an exaggeration for the sake of this story, but I promise you it is not. She was totally disgusted by me because I smelled like a drunk lightweight whore after a fraternity party. But really, who shops the coupons in the Walgreens ad at 9:45 pm on a Saturday night? Don't you expect to see people who smell like vomit at Walgreens at 9:45 on a Saturday night**? I just gave her the wide-eyed, "What. No, really, what?" look.

You'll remember that Olivia shat on someone's floor, too. It's like she's going for some sort of bodily function trifecta. I don't even want to know what the third part is...

So this was all on Saturday. Sunday she was not her usually peppy self, but she was playing and eating and PEEING, which is key, apparently. And then Sunday night when I put her to bed I was all, she's fiiiiiiine.

Then she had massive diarrhea in her sleep, all over her crib. And then she threw up. And then she dry heaved. And then we all died. The end.

Oh, but seriously. How sad is a sick baybee? SO SAD, that's how sad.

I was up most of the night with her Sunday, and managed to drag my bedraggled*** (not bedazzled) ass to work for a half day. My mom stayed with Olivia so that I could go in and clear out my inbox. I finished an entire day of work in 4 hours. I don't know if that means I was a superstar on Monday, or if I am a lazy bitch waste of space on a normal day.

She seemed OK on Monday night. Tuesday was a good day. I'm hoping we're over the worst of it. But I know you've been waiting for a good poop story, so, you're welcome.

Quite possibly completing the trifecta at this very moment...

              Photo: Portrait Innovations; Dress: Gymboree, may it rest in peace.

*Just rereading, and WTF? Why do I feel the need to tell you ours broke? So you don't think we lost it in a rectum? Or that we use it in our mouths now?

**I was a Walgreens employee after college, at a 24 hour store. You'd be surprised at the late night clientele. Or not surprised. Whatever. One time, this old lady came in the store at 2 a.m. and she walked a circle around the store while she pooped her pants. It ran down her leg, and left a trail of poop. I'm not even kidding at all.

***5 minutes before I had to leave, I finished drying my hair and realized it was an oil slick.  I forgot to rinse my conditioner.  Too late, went to work with my roots all separated.  I'm sure they are going to send me a $10,000 bonus just for trying so hard to look like a stone cold fawx.


Robin said...

Girl, you CRACK.ME.UP. This was one of your funniest ones.

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. Yeah, I want Walgreens stories now. Also, I totally did the same thing with conditioner last week. My brain is kinda fritzed.

Nic said...

OMG, soooo funny!! Cant stop laughing!
I hope Olivia is better now. I am going to hop on over to the shat on the floor post as somehow I managed to miss that one!!
I agree, we need more walgreens stories!!

Heather said...

I hope Olivia feels better. It's so sad when little ones are sick. Olivia looks gorgeous in her Christmas dress!

stephanie said...

I love you. I found your blog recently from A Baby, Maybe and I LOVE IT. I have an Olivia, too. I'm sorry yours is sick and ruined her Gymbo Christmas dress.

She is insanely adorable. Hope she is feeling better soon.

Dawn's Recipes said...

Oh, poor sick baby!! I hope she's feeling better by now! I love that beautiful Christmas outfit! She's so cute. If she shat on my floor, I'd just pat her on the head, clean up the mess, and pretend nothing ever happened. Because life is easier for the cute. :)

Jaci said...

Oh no! Puke on GYMBOREE!!!

I be poor, so Elizabeth might get one outfit per season from the Gymboree clearance rack. I actually feel relieved when she outgrows it and I can put it in the "sell" pile and pass it on for someone else to obsess over.

So yeah. I would have CRIED. But you got a really good picture in it, so all is not lost. :)

areyoukiddingme said...

Poor Olivia. Hope she's feeling better!

Also, just because it's your own kids vomit doesn't make it any less disgusting. It just makes you more willing to clean it up (and by more willing, I mean less than completely opposed).

Courtney said...

OMG! The poop at Walgreens story happened at my work too. Only I worked at a bank. Blech(me throwing up in my mouth a little bit. and by a little bit I mean a lot.)

Strawberry said...

Amazing how something so small and cute can make such a mess. Hope she fully recovers very soon. At least her head didn't start spinning around like in the Exorcist.

BugginWord said...

I was that lady at walgreens with the poop trail. So, yeah...thanks for outing me like that.

Holy enjoyable blog post, Batman. I shall now go ravage your archives.

Stace said...

Great stuff... except for Olivia. Poor girl. Hope she's feeling better!

Emily said...

Poor little girl! Poor mommy too! Thanks for the laughs - at least you have a sense of humor about it :)

L. said...

The being-sick part sucks. But OMG CUTEST CHRISTMAS BABY PHOTO EVER. I have a pretty cute baby myself, so I don't say that lightly, ya know.

Malloryn said...

Oh man, your sense of humor about this stuff is great! I was almost in tears reading this. I hope she's feeling better... and you got a great picture in that Gymboree (RIP) dress :)

Kimbosue said...

Crackin' up again! And then I feel bad for laughing at such a sick baybee. Hope she's all better now?

Candice said...

Gorgeous pic!!

**Running off to Portrait Innovations now for a cute pic of my baybee in his Christmas finest.**

Ladybug said...

So funny! I agree - more Walgreens stories.

Verrry cute baybee.

Also, I have an 8 1/2 month old and was wondering if I ask, pretty please with sugar on top, can tell me where you bought those completely adorable shoes?!

OperatorGirl said...

Great post!! Poor Olivia, hope she's feeling better now and you don't wake up to more poo in the crib.

How adorable is that pic?? Love it!

What baybee loves Santa?? None. Olivia is truly a genuis.

Megan said...

I have never commented before, but I just have to tell you how amazing your blog is. Makes my day when I see you have a new posting! Always cracks me up and puts things in perspective. Thanks for your brilliance!

Porthos said...

I'm new to your blog as well and I LOVE it, you make me laugh out loud and spittle all over my computer screen (why I am revealing this disgusting little tidbit?!).
LOVE the outifit, sorry to hear your bubba has been sick. Goreous piccies though so all is not lost?

Parsing Nonsense said...

That Walgreens story with the roving poop walker makes me nostalgic for the days when I worked a minimum wage job and had to deal with the derelict scourge of society while wearing a cheap polo.

Now I just get to help these fine specimens using the phone. Though one guy was listening to pr0n in the background while I tried to help him with his order.

Erin said...

There is a lot of poop in this post. I like it! So which was worse, the Chuck O'Pizza OR the Shatty Crib Delite? The Crib Delites are always tasty and fragrant!
And, another photo shoot!! Soon Livie Lou is going to start signing autographs with all these lights and cameras. Share more adorables with your internets pleeze.

Max's Mommy said...

OhMyGosh- you seriously have me rolling. Poor baby though!!

La Mere Joie said...

Glad Olivia is feeling better. But it's terrible while they are puking and pooping. At least she looks so cute in her dress!

That was hysterical about the old lady in Walgreens. My dog walks in circles as it poops too.

Kiera said...

shut uuuuupppp. who are you? you're freakin hilarious

Clair said...

Ever noticed that kids can vomit and or poop more than their entire body weight?! And vomit is gross no matter who it belongs to.

When I worked in the ER it never bothered me - now if I see it or smell it I start the dry heaving.

Came over here from MommyWantsVodka.

Love your blog.

Mel said...

I just made the trifecta for you. (it was the story about the walgreen's lady pooping herself, that sent me over the edge) I laughed so hard I peed my pants.


Steph said...

LOL, dying over this post. ESP the part of "Mark's version of puke" My husband (and all guys) is the same way. He'll say "OMG she just pooped all over the wall!!! Or SHE JUST BARFED EVERYWHERE! And I race in to find a tsp of spitup or a little spray of poop. ha ha, what is with guys! You're the best and your baby is darling!!

PJ said...

God I hate puke! My own included. Morning sickness SUCKS!

I'm sure my children will never puke, or generally spew bodily fluids though. ;)

Olivia is so very beautiful!

I hope she's feeling loads better.

Bekah said...

Aw, sick babies are so sad. :( Ben was sick a few weekends ago with some kind of tonsil-eating virus. I feel your pain. I had snot all over me all weekend. And now he has a cold, which isn't as bad, but snot is quickly becoming a theme in my wardrobe. And that is alarming.
Olivia is absolutely gorgeous. She's getting so big! I hope she's feeling better by now.

Anonymous said...

You seriously made me pee. thanks!

Babe_chilla said...

OMG. I just found your blog via the Heir To Blair feed, and well, I'm pissing myself laughing over here...and after the hell week I've had, that's an accomplishment on your part.

Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

I am crying at my desk from laughing so hard. People are actually noticing the fit I am having. I'm sorry she was sick but damn it, this is funny.