Monday, December 21, 2009

Bodybuilder Magee

Yesterday was another banner day for feeling like a total hoss.

You know how everything is just completely worse when you're exhausted? Olivia was up for three hours Wednesday night, just crying and whining and keeping me up for THREE HOURS.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that she is probably teething, right? I KNOW, me too! But no, no teeth. Not even a hint of a tooth. This kid is not getting teeth, I swear. We are going to have to purchase a set of hand-crafted baby dentures for her first birthday present.

So. Anyways. I was really tired. And for some reason, I thought it a good idea to wear a skirt with tights on Thursday, even though I was slightly annoyed by the tightness around my tank gut when I left the house. As soon as I got to work, I was cursing my sausage encasing. I'm not very smart, you see that. And then! AND THEN! It's the last couple weeks of the year and so work just totally blows a big fat fattie, and that's all I'm really going to say about that.

I should just stop telling this story, because it requires so much back story that it makes me want to die, and so you are probably already dead and not even reading this. I DO NOT BLAME YOU.

Perhaps you remember my coworker who volunteered to become my punching bag fitness coach? We will call him Bodybuilder Magee, even though he is older than electricity and has flat old man ass, and wears cologne that smells like a hamster cage.

Well, he's a repeat offender in the asshole department. I get up at 5, and I'm usually hungry for all or part of my lunch at around 10:30. And Bodybuilder Magee is always commenting on what I eat and how early it is. Like, "oh, digging into your lunch already?!" Or, "uh oh! Eating cookies!"


I'm not even a nice person. I'm not going to lie. I have to try really hard to not kill people, like, every day. So my ability to leave my machete at home every work day is amazing. Bodybuilder Magee should be glad that he survived Lupron, because Mark barely escaped, and I actually like Mark.

Now. Yesterday. I was "digging into" my salad at 10:30. And don't you know that Bodybuilder Magee comes into my office and - I kid you not - peeks into my bowl. Like, he puts his face near my bowl. Or, more to be more specific, he put his eyeballs near my really sharp fork.

"Oh, good job! Eating salad! Already?"

Really? Are you insulting me for eating early, or congratulating me for eating a salad before my thighs take over the world? BE MORE SPECIFIC, OLD MAN!

"Oh, hahahaha..." Fucktard.

Later in the day, I was eating some delicious candy from the corporate gift basket, and it was all just too much for him to bear:

BM: "Uh're eating all the candy! Good thing you ate that salad earlier, and that soup...did you plan to eat the salad so that you could eat the candy later?"

JK: "No, I ate what I ate because I wanted to eat it, why do you feel the need to comment on my eating all the time? Do you need something from me?"

This is exactly why I hate people, in general.  I swear to god I'm going to tell him he smells like hamster cage.


In news that is exciting only to me: I have 1,000 Google Reader subscribers!  Which sounds awesome, except Amalah has like 5,000, so.  That is exciting only to me, obviously.  But I remember not too long ago, being excited about having 100.


Anonymous said...

Hi, I am a lurker coming out for the first time. How did Olivia sleep last night? I am asking because my son started with ear infections before his teeth would come through. He would be fine all day and then at night he would be up crying. He would never tug or rub his ears but eventually we noticed that he would tilt his head slightly when he ate. Just an FYI.

What did BM say when you asked why he was so interested?

Love your blog. Patty

Mrs. Higrens said...

You are a better woman than I. Because my response to BM would be something along the lines of "I don't comment on your unfortunate choice of cologne, please don't comment on my food choices."

And you can't leave us hanging on his response...really, that's just cruel!

The Lady said...

first time commenter. The "lady business" post pulled me in and now I'm hooked. You are hilarious.

My 1yr old was unbearable when he was teething and I never saw a sign of a tooth either until the fussiness (after days) was over. Then the tip of the iceberg would appear.

I have the talent for picking the worst people for weightloss buddies. I get all gung ho and tell them "no matter what... stay on my ass about everything!" However, not even a day goes by of there chastising before I've made them my worst enemy. So, Tero works alone.

Marie said...

I had rice krispy treats for breakfast..enough said.

areyoukiddingme said...

Good Lord, I would so punch that guy! I'm not sure why people feel the need to comment on what you eat - even if they've volunteered to be your personal trainer. That's not your personal dietitian or nutritionist. Trainers are supposed to help you exercise!

uncomplicateme said...

What a moron. I would have shoved the fork into his head. It's like a holidayfoodstravaganza around here and I just figure January sounds like a good month to lose the 10 pounds I will gain this much.

I have 82 google subscribers, so I'm only like 8.2% as cool as you! Someday I will be that cool. ;o)

Kelly said...

Wow, what a jackass! I generally don't like people either because 80% of them are also jackasses.

Love your blog - you are hilarious!

Stephanie said...

So I read this as I was eating Christmas cookies that my coworker made for me. And it's only 9:00 here in California.

Chicago Mom said...

Extremely annoying!! Maybe he has like 100 hamsters at home?

Parsing Nonsense said...

Bummer about the sleep deprivation!

Bodybuilder Magee sounds like a tool. My workplace is exactly the opposite. Salads are scorned and there are fattening treats virtually year-round.

Yes, this is what Heaven is like.

'Murgdan' said...

OMG. This is my boss. Except she talks bad about your food...and then eats it. Like, "uh-oh, you're eating french fries you pregnant fat ass.....can I have one?!" *grabs four, dips them in my ketchup*

So annoying.

I only have like, 700 readers, so you're still totally famous to me. Kind of like Brad Pitt.

Heather Griffith Brewer said...

My kids always got really cranky during a growth spurt. Which for my son meant he grew an inch and gained a pound, for my daughter I think it meant she was working on growing hair.
I don't carry a concealed weapon because I would use it...frequently.
I don't eat anything until lunchtime because I'm not hungry until then.
You should totally inform BM that he smells like a hamster cage...and that if he comments on your eating/food choices one more time you are going to stab him in the eye with a pencil.

Magenta said...

Oy. What an ass. I'd totally not be able to keep my mouth shut. I'm fully in favor of the "I'm glad you feel it's necessary to comment on me, and while we're at it you're not so perfect yourself" comments. Ugh. Hope you don't have too much longer until your holiday vacation starts!

Porthos said...

Fucktard. This is GOLD. I love it, I'm stealing it, I'm using it.
That guy does sounds like the biggest case of fucktard ever by the way!!! Love that your blog makes me litteraly laugh out loud :)

HereWeGoAJen said...

Dude, in honor of that rude guy, I am going to go bake some cookies RIGHT NOW and EAT EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Blair said...

In my mind, "BM" totally stands for something else. & ironically, it also has something to do with ass-like qualities.

Also, I also do the fake laugh that in my mind, ends with "FUCK OFF."

Blair said...

I also said "also" twice. With only one letter & a comma separating them.

I'm so full of win that I astound myself on a daily basis.

renee said... bm, needs to mind his business. i would not have the patience for that. oh my word. in other news, jack has no teeth yet either and he'll be one in a couple weeks, sooo...yah. maybe we can get a group rate on our baby dentures. ;-) lol

Lindsay said...

LOL! I rarely comment, but this post was hIlarious! Seriously laughing out loud. Cracking up about "I have to try really hard not to kill people, like, everyday" I feel like that like, everyday! BM should mind his own beeswax.
BTW, my son didnt get his first tooth until his 11 month birthday. I also thought he was never getting them. It seems like they do teethe for a while before the tooth actually pops through. Baby orajel does seem to help a bit. Good luck, I hope there aren't too many more nights like that in your future.

Thanks for your great blog, it makes me laugh every time I read it :)

Lindsay said...

Hilarious!I would have slapped magee in the face... verbally of course. Why do people think they can comment on other people's food habits? I'm popping in from G&D - nice to meet you! :)


mjb said...

Hey, I have three subscribers. Maybe I should keep writing and can get to 100 one day too? Must find subject matter stat.

Krystle said...

I read this post on the perfect day. I start work at 5am and really only come into contact with one person until 9am. And that one person is a mean old man who insists he is right about EVERYTHING, and reminds me a lot of your old man. What douche-holes. Superiority/elderly complexes...blegh. They have no idea the effect they have on the work day! Thankfully, we only have to deal with them at work, and run no risk of ever seeing them in the real world. Anyway, thanks for the post, you've made my day!