Wednesday, November 11, 2009

FET: makes me feel all stabby

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned to you how much I love Dunkin Donuts coffee.

But I love it, like, a lot. If it had a leg, it is possible that I would hump it. Or I would have to try really hard to refrain from humping it. Or I would only refrain from humping it because I wouldn't want to burn my Lady Business or waste the delicious coffee that would surely spill from the gyration of my lumpy body against that sexy styrofoam cup.

It's pretty much the Bon to my Jovi, is what I'm trying to say.

But I've been making monthly goals, and my goal since September was to stop getting Dunkin Donuts Coffee every morning because it costs $2/day.

I would share my other goals with you, but,
a.) I don't want everyone to know the asinine things for which I strive, like my number one November goal to Be Nice, OH MAH HELL WHO HAS TO RESOLVE TO BE NICE, and,

b.) because I don't really succeed every month (like, November. Because AM NOT NICE, like, at all, must aim lower in December - perhaps just be tolerable? Or just accept failure, which would be easier and markedly more enjoyable).

Anyway, I was telling someone the other day, "It's been a long time since I got a coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I just got one yesterday." And, don't worry, she did point out that I am possibly (definitely) the victim of a mental defect.

I was thinking today that it has been a really long time since I had an Infertility Bitterness Episode! Except, it hasn't been a long time at all really.

Since it's open enrollment time, I have to start making the big decision about doing a Frozen Embryo Transfer. And the prospect of it all just makes me a whole lot STABBY.

(I'm sure that if you read this blog, you know what STABBY means, but if not, see #1 here.)

I feel like I've done a pretty good job of suppressing The Bitter. I can handle pregnancy announcements pretty gracefully (like, no crying or shaking of fists at the heavens). Baby showers are not a problem. Accidental pregnancies make me roll my eyes, but do not cause days of insanity. It's just not really in the front of my mind. I'm more worried now about people whose asses fit in their jeans two weeks post partum when I can barely button my work pants.

(WHORES, you skinny people! All of you! Dirty whores!)

So I was kind of surprised when I got my Open Enrollment memo and was totally pissed off because I realized that we would have to decide on baybee #2 now for next year so that we can contribute to our medical reimbursement account.

Why do I so desperately want to be the person who can make fertility decisions at the drop of a hat? I've had plenty of time to realize that this isn't a reality for us. Why must there be so much turmoil and hand wringing and FIST SHAKING?!

I'm like a bad after school special, except instead of being jealous of the popular girls, I'm jealous of the fertile ones.

I'm pissed that I have to decide a year in advance, and I have to call doctors and rearrange my work schedule and communicate with my insurance and my doctors and I have to be really nice to people in November so that they will be more tolerable of me next spring when I am shooting up Lupron and shooting off The Angry.

It annoys me that people can decide one month to try to have a baby, then have sex, then find out the next month that they are pregnant. FOR FREE. WITHOUT DRUGS (well, I hear that crack really helps with fertility)! WITHOUT STIRRUPS! WITHOUT MEDICAL BILLING CODES!

God, I want to punch myself in the ovary over the whole ordeal, but there it is.
I'm sexual over Dunkin Donuts, and I'm angry about misshapen sperm.


Courtney said...

That's interesting. I've been so curious about when or if you would consider a second go-round with all your lovelies you've got chilling on ice. I can't imagine it's an easy question, but one that all infertiles must make. Good luck, and if my $.02 matter, go make more babies, so far you're one for one on making very cute children.

'Murgdan' said...

Yep. Sucks. And sucks having that money taken out of your paycheck every other week for a year. Buuuuuut, it is a good benefit. Here I am excited to NOT have to have anything taken out next year...but of course, I'm also a little excited that you have a reason to consider having the money removed from your check...

This is just what TTC means for folk like us.

Dawn's Recipes said...

I'm still bitter over those annoying fertiles too. I know we'll want a 2nd child, and we'll have to go through this whole crappy process again. I get so angry when people say, "Oh, maybe you'll get pregnant on your own next time." First of all, no, I don't think so. It didn't happen on our own. It didn't happen with 3 IUI's. It didn't happen with the first 4 of our 5 IVF attempt either. Secondly, even if it were possible to get pregnant without a team of experts, we found out we both carry the cystic fibrosis gene. So we'd need IVF anyway just so we can get the necessary genetic testing done. Gah! Fertiles and their verbal diarrhea! Enough with the advice, please!

Candice said...

Well, there you have it. I'm the person you're jealous of. I got pregnant on month #1 and fit into my jeans 2 wks pp. Why am I all Braggy McBraggerson on your site???

Guess what? I'm jealous of you too. My son has had a bunch of little health problems- vision, hearing, severe food allergies, low muscle tone, vitamin deficiencies. I wouldn't trade my son for the world and through it all, it looks like my son is going to catch up. Not without tons of work though. So, though I wouldn't wish for any child to struggle EVER, I do get a bit jeaous when, "Little Sarah sat up at 3.5 months and it looks like she'll be walking by 7 months." I shake my fists with fury as well. LOL

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, the old adage is true, "The grass always looks greener." So, I certainly wouldn't fertility issues on anyone, but sometimes fertile, skinny girls have problems too. :)

Jaci said...

Crack helps, but the best pregnancy secret? Marital problems! Just come one inch from divorce, and WHEE! Here comes baybee!

God likes to laugh at me. :(

Laura said...

OMG! You totally crack me up! I'm sorry you have to think about all of this now. Wouldn't it be nice to just enjoy having a baby, instead of thinking about how the next one would come about? Anyway, good luck with everything. Enjoy the coffee (, curse the skinny, but remember that Santa comes next month, so you shouldn't be too bad ;)

Kimbosue said...

Ditto on punching myself in the ovaries over IF bullshit...

Can't believe you are thinking of a sibling for O already...

Calliope said...

let me just walk you through my thought bubble this morning as I sit here speed reading blogs waiting for some movers.

Oh! Look! Jen has a new post!

WHAT!!! FET!!!! WHAT???? Did I miss something???

Must not click to read. Just can not deal with whatever messy emotions pour out of me.

Seriously. an FET. So jealous. I want to call the clinic NOW!!

Wait. I want to call the clinic? For who? ME? WHAT? Dude.

Ok. I don't really want an FET now. I mean not YET.

But someday.

Ok. Brace yourself for feeling jealous.


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel stabby too. Fertile people can suck it.

sassyshell said...

Mmmmmmm, dunkin doughnuts . . .

Um, being nice is totally a real goal. Especially to certain people, in certain situations. Good luck with that, and I think being polite is a good secondary goal if you can't work up the energy to deal with being "nice." :)

Thinking a year ahead is obnoxious, especially with all it entails for you with FET. You seem so so so happy with O over the last year that I only imagine having another little one would make you even happier, so I say go for it. But really, you need to listen to your heart on it, if you want to sign up for that in the next year, etc.

Good luck! Thanks for the wonderful posts :)

Mrs. Higrens said...

So I guess the decision to keep paying for those babies to stay frozen has already been made? ;)

Talk about "planned pregnancy"...

Gah. Stabby indeed.

Mel said...

Have you tried making you dunkin donuts coffee at home? We do that because it is cheap (well, not as cheap as Folgers, but I do not think the best part of waking up is fucking folgers in my cup) and because we DON'T HAVE DUNKIN DONUTS here. Seriously. In Dallas/Ft. Worth, I can only think of 2 total Dunkin Donuts and they are both at least 50 miles from my house.

Infertility sucks. But it is better than cancer or AIDS. Sometimes I do that... I try to remind myself of all the things that are worse than infertility. How about leprosy? That would be bad, too.

Mi-Suk said...

Having just opened up my "open enrollment" folder I am with you. I hate that these kinds of decisions have to be made.

Stabby .... yup...

Anonymous said...

Hi. New to commenting but long time reader. I got pregnant in May using Clomid after 16 mos of trying, only to lose the baby at 16w4d due to cervical incompetence. Now am trying again. For the longest time I fought against the bitterness that goes along with people who can breath on each other and get pregnant, but at this point it's a losing battle. I'm just going to embrace it from now on and say that I hate them all. Good luck to you and am so happy that you have a healthy beautiful little girl!

Sunny said...

Wanna hear something hilarious? We didn't contribute extra to our flex spending account for 2009 because I seriously deluded myself into thinking we could be one of those people who were MAGICALLY! FERTILE! when we TTC #2 after years of IF for TTC #1. *snort snort*

Well, I did not fall MAGICALLY! PREGNANT! the first half of 2009 and I just couldn't wait any longer... back to the doc. Out of pocket for the treatment, but *fingers crossed* at least we may be off the rollercoaster now.

Aunt Becky said...

Dunkin' Donuts coffee is Of The Gods.

Susan Vaughn said...

Dunkin Donuts coffee is the best - unfortunately so are the donuts.

I am sorry for your fertility problems. I don't expect anything I say would be of any comfort. We all have our cross to bear in this life - some are more difficult than others.

PJ said... I really miss McDonald's iced coffee. A morning cup of lowfat milk is just NOT a replacement - even if it's chocolate!

Yea. Insurance. Yuck.

Sarah said...

Wait? Sex makes babies?!

I've heard heroine is a great fertility drug as well? And beer, but only if you're single/under 21.

Ps...Skinny bitches are the thorn in my big fat ass.

Shauna said...

crack indeed helps fertility...especially when used in conjunction with prostitution and/or just plain promiscuous behaviours coupled with the choice of any or all of the following: alcoholism, pot smoking, high school drop-out, crystal meth and getting the sh*t kicked out of you by your pimp and/or boyfriend and/or husband. All free and funded to you by Medicaid.

Kathleen said...

Funny... we just had the same conversation last night. Do we put money into our 2010 health care spending account for fertility treatments or hope that we can do it without them this time? All those old feelings came flooding back. It sucks to have to plan a pregnancy so much. I remain shocked every time I hear about a couple that got pregnant without medical help. It amazes me. And I'm jealous too.

Medical Billing said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog.

Crazy Sister said...

What sucky stuff. Yell and rant, then pay the stupid money, because you know Olivia-point-two will be so much fun!

Anonymous said...

We were going to try for our second. But, hubby's insurance went up and the deductibles are up the ass. So, I don't know if it will happen for us again. It is so depressing. Hubby & I are lucky we tried for #1 before insurance rates went up (all we had to pay for was meds). I already went through all the testing again (need to do it every year for my insurance to cover ivf) we were going to start and had to put it on hold b/c my job will not let me miss time off. We were going to wait until Dec. to try as I will be on vacation- thats when we found out insurance went up. So, we will wait until summer and save save save and then to top it off it will be a new year and they are making us go through all the testing again!! ugghhhh

Aimee said...

You're so not alone in all your stabbiness.

TODAY I received a Gmail Chat from a good friend who in Aug. posted on her FB status that she would be TTC on Oct. Oh, the chat I got today? Yea, she's 8 weeks along.

If I posted that...nay, if I so much as dared to THINK that as of [INSERT MONTH] I'd be TTC, I'd be sealing the deal that Caden will be an only child.

So when we qualify for another experimental study, maybe we can consider siblings. Until then, I'll focus my attention on Caden when I get the next pregnancy announcement.