Tuesday, September 8, 2009

And so now I call her Stinkfinger.

I should know better than to proclaim how great everything is. Mah baybee is easy, and blah blah blaaaaaaaah.

Yes, last Thursday I put Olivia to bed and then wrote a smug, lame little entry about how fantastic everything is and how much easier my life is than yours. And then I watched some TV and probably ate, because I love to eat and can't stop doing so even though my pants recently had the police come to my house and try to arrest me because they just couldn't stand being held hostage by my oppressive girth. But I sat down and my stomach roll smothered my pants to death and so it was all OK, no jail.

Anyway. After I put her to bed, I was thinking that I should have cut her fingernails because they were really long. Like, long enough that I thought about maybe dressing her in a red and gray sweater and fedora.

Ah well. I'll cut 'em tomorrow night.

The next morning, Olivia woke up with a...gift for me? In her diaper? It wasn't even mother's day or my birthday or anything!

Changing Olivia is like a wrestling match lately. She wants to ROLL OVER! And CRAWL(ish) AWAY! And EAT WHATEVER IS NEARBY! And shove her foot in my face for some NOM! Sometimes it is amusing, and sometimes it is.not.amusing. There is just no telling which way she will go or what exactly she will do.

Like, who knows? Maybe she will reach down into her poopy diaper at the exact same time that you open it, and come up with four Freddy Krueger fingernails full of poo?!

Or, she will DEFINITELY reach down into her poopy diaper at the exact same time that you open it, and come up with four Freddy Krueger fingernails full of poo!!!

So I am all dressed for work, ready to head out the door to the sitter, and I have to take a break to dig poo out of Olivia's long fingernails. And one might think that is easy, except that she really really really REALLY! wanted to put those poopy fingers in her mouth. In my mouth. In her eye. In my eye. Etcetera, ad nauseum, woe.

And so now I call her Stinkfinger.

It is amazing what comes up on Google Images when you search "stinkfinger."
And by amazing, I mean freaking disgusting.
But this was my favorite:

(No political agenda behind this photo, by the way, so don't bother commenting about how Democrats eat babies or Republicans hump kittens.)
(Unless you are being funny and not assholey, then go ahead.)


'Murgdan' said...

Ha! Stinkfinger...yummo! I hear I once stink-fingerpainted my entire crib (and by crib I mean bed and not house). Wait 'till she learns to take the diaper OFF!

*~*Lis*~* said...

Hilarious way to start my day - thanks!

BrandiH2007 said...

Oh boy what a morning, I bet you don't forget to cut those nails for a while.

My nephew once "stinkfingered" his brother, hair and all!

Momma Salsa said...

LMAO this post is so ew but so hilarious! (I am pretending to not think about the time when my child will be able to do this. See, mah bebee would never. She is way too refined and ladylike.) :)

Amanda said...

I was researching baby junk and ran across this product: http://www.babyangelbug.com/protectnplay_pad.html

It might prevent the dreaded stinkfinger! Be careful.

Minta said...

Just wait until she can get that poopy diaper off and shit paint the walls and her crib and herself, for yay!

Laura said...

OH my goodness! You are way too funny. Love to hear the tales of Olivia. I fear stinkfinger will be coming my way very soon. Thanks for the stories and laughs!

HereWeGoAJen said...

My sister took her diaper off and painted. My mom said her first thought when she went in there was "too bad, we'll have to get a new baby, this one is ruined."

Stephanie said...

That was awesome -- I'm wondering what Colin Powell did just before this shot was taken...and I'll leave it at that. Thanks again for giving me things to look forward to when my baby has some control with her motorskilz. I.Can't.Wait.

Parsing Nonsense said...

I was watching my infant niece once and she had a poopy diaper. I was wearing a BRAND NEW white cotton skirt (mistake number one) and her mom was coming home soon so I thought I'd change the baby before she got home (mistake number two).

I get the diaper off and her bottom all cleaned up and turn around for the powder when wham! Baby grabbed that diaper and hurled it at me, poop side out, all monkey-like right at my white skirt.

I will always think of her as the belligerent poop-throwing monkey because of it.

Also? Poop comes out of white cotton easier than you'd think.

KimboSue said...

BLECH. I will be monitoring Miles' fingernail growth EVERYDAY for fear of THE.STINKFINGER!

murphyalm said...

Damn, you're funny! That's all I got today.

Lauren.Furrer said...

Trying to think of something funny to say about a guy named colin having a stinky finger...but I got nothin.

Mel said...

This post made me laugh so hard, I almost cried. I can relate to it on every level.
Thanks for making my day.

Good Egg Hunting said...

I'm speechless. These are the kinds of stories you can threaten her with when she is a defiant teenager who wants to go out with an inappropriate boy.

Crazy Sister said...

Yeah. Been there!