Thursday, July 23, 2009

It is entirely possible that I've lost my marbs.

Olivia has decided that she doesn't want to sleep. Ever. At all. Even a little. Especially not AT NIGHT! Heavens no!

Lack of sleep makes me a special combination of bitchy and delusional.

For example. I went to the mall this week. Because I hadn't been to baby Gap in days and the skin around my neck was starting to itch from the itty bitty baby retail withdrawal. I was looking a little like Tyrone Biggums*, except my mouth was lined in powdered sugar and I mumbled "gap" in my sleep instead of "crack".

I like to park at the food court. I love the mall food court...

Which reminds me of the time that my grandpa called my grandma a cafeteria chow hound, for whatever reason, and I enjoy that phrase because it is funny and I think it kind of runs in the family. I was always a huge bitch in high school whenever someone would cut in the lunch line. Because there were only so many tater tots and peanut butter squares, and if I missed out on one because of some line-cutting bastard? Well, let's just say I'll cut a bitch if a peanut butter square is on the line.

So. Anyway. I parked at the food court, which leads directly to baby Gap like some sort of delicious smelling yellow brick road. Kizmet? I think so.


Much like Dorothy, I have to make my way through a crowd of assholes just to get to the itty bitty clothes for my sleepless little preshus. At the mall food court, there are these people! Who are trying to give out samples! OH MY GAH! Chinese food! Steak sandwiches! Pretzels! PIZZA!

The guy at the Chinese place must have been feeling particularly snarky that day and decided from the second that I walked in through the sliding doors that I was going to eat a god damned piece of chicken if it was the last thing he accomplished on this earth. Like a suicide bomber in the Chinese restaurant niche. Either that, or he had a competition going with the other sample people.

Chicken Guy: Hey! Free Sample!

Me: (smile) Oh, no thank you. (stares directly at baby Gap; eye on the prize.)

CG: Yes! Sample! Is delicious!

Me: ..... (rage)

CG: Free!

* at this point, I have passed him, and now every time he talks to me, I have to turn around to tell him to shove his chicken up his ass. *

Me: No? Thank you? (preshus baybee onezeez NOM)

CG: Ah! Try this chicken! Meal for $5.99 includes rice!


CG: Hey! Sample is free! Just try!

Me: (Considers walking back and slapping the bottom of his tray so that the free chicken flies in his face. Best case scenario? He gets a toothpick lodged in his cheek. Worst case scenario? He presses charges for toothpick injury, and I go to jail. Probably a bad idea, then.)

Me: (Wait! Jail wouldn't have babies. I could probably sleep. Perhaps even be someones bitch and get some uninterrupted cuddle time! Hmmm...this might not be bad. Decisions, decisions.)

Me: (OMFGZ! Is that a sign for 25% off sale prices at Gap?! This guy is totally lucky right now. I should tell him to play the lottery, except I hate him so I won't.)

Infuriating. But I did get a dress, a onesie, and three shirts for $15. You know, so I can dress Olivia up all night long while we are awake! A gal has to always look her best, right?!


I am totally drinking the Wonder Weeks kool-aid right now, because it is the only thing giving me hope that my little preshus will cut this sleep strike shit out. I need to review this book because it is AWESOME, another one I wish I had read before baby. It just tells you what is happening developmentally, and what to expect.

I think we're coming up on big week 24 - sleep problems, rolling all around, crying when I leave the room, a little bit of stranger danger, teething. Knowing this doesn't help anything, but it feels a little better to know there is a reason for my soul crushing exhaustion and satanic bitchiness.

We started rice cereal this week. Olivia is totally going to be a cafeteria chow hound, like many generations before her.

*God, I miss Dave Chappelle.


areyoukiddingme said...

Teeth = no sleep
Growing = no sleep

Solids = sleeping better. Bring on the food. Maybe you should have brought Olivia to the mall and left her with the Chinese food sample guy. It might have been a good combination (although it would probably have cost more than $5.99).

uncomplicateme said...

Thank you for making me laugh this morning... or I'd be liable to slap someone.

I should totally hit up the baby Gap sale! That sounds awesome. I have this magnetic pull towards the baby section every time I go in Target. It's redonkulous. I keep buying all these extra big clothes (24 months, 3T, 4T!!) for the extra big clothes tote, but they're only like $1. So then when my husband freaks the eff out for me buying! more! clothes! I can say they're disposable, because they were only a buck. Right? :)

calliope said...

wonder where Dave is now...
I also throw my hands up in the air & proclaim it's a "stormy week/day" whenever chaos finds W. We are in a no nap for me and you can not let me down era and I am destroyed

Nicky said...

That might well be the best ever use of the word kizmet.

Sandy said...

What is it with the no sleep? Oscar too! He was up at 5 this morning and all, "Let's party like it's 1999!" Yep, the shit hits the fan at 24-ish weeks: teething, growth spurt, sleep issues, you name it.

But oh, delicious baby feet. Come over to my blog for some nommy feet pictures.

Malloryn said...

Wow, Chinese food sample man has no idea how lucky he was that the Gap was there! I could have seen you come up with creative uses for the toothpicks. I hope little Olivia is sleeping better soon!

KimboSue said...

Those food court sample guys are FREAKS! They are forever trying to get some damn piece of weirdo food down your throat. I really do think they have a competition.

Rice cereal coming soon to our neck of the woods. TOTALLY SCARED.

I am so rocking Wonder.Weeks too!

Melissa G said...

"I'll cut a bitch if a peanut butter square is on the line."

My co-workers think I am insane, but I howled at that.

You ALWAYS crack me up.

Sarah said...

Hehe, I've had murderous thoughts about the crazy mall food sample people too. Theres one mall near here and every single food place has their own little sample person trying to force their wares on people. It is so nerve racking I try to avoid the food court entrance now.

Although if American Cookie Company started giving out samples I'd go to the mall several times a day.

Erin said...

OMGah, I totally hate you for getting such a good deal at the BabiesGap!
I'm totally feeling your pain...I have also been a walking zombie lately with litte to no sleep. My Chasers (who is 2 weeks younger than Livi) has already managed to grow a tooth. And just to get you super excited and prepared, teething also causes fever, a snotty nose, and ear pain. Good times.

Aunt Becky said...

I'd been planning to say something clever and witty but then I fell asleep and woke up and there was drool and boogers all over me. I haven't slept in 3 years, my kid is sick, my OTHER kid is sick and oh boy.

What marbles? I can eat them? I like eating food. Oooh! Hungry.

Leah said...

I love love that book! It kinda prepares you for nights of no sleep! It's saved me from many frustrations. Cereal's a fun time at our house...Wesley is loving it too.

Parsing Nonsense said...

It's really too bad Dave went all bananas and had himself committed to an asylum in Africa or something like that. Cocaine is a he** of a drug.

How could you turn down free Chinese food? I would do some downright morally questionable acts for some Chinese food right now. Morally questionable as in drug the sample guy so I could steal his tray and stuff myself in a dark corner while muttering "My Precious..." over and over and talking to myself.

Kristin said...

I know this post is a bit late and it's leading me to wonder if miss thang has decided to teeth. I swear both my kids dropped teeth at 4.5 months! I have freaky teethers.

So if there is any disturbance in the force aka sleeping time, it usually has to do that teething thing. So I say, if you love your kids, drug your kids!

Around here all the hippies want to give the homeopathic teething tablets, good for them. They did nothing for either of the screaming banshees. So while they dance around nakkid to the Mother Goddess Whatsherbucket, I am giving my kids Tylenol and after they are 6 months old, Children's Motrin. I use store named stuff, much cheaper and it's the same stuff.

And someone said all the lovely things teething can bring, didn't put extra poo. I am not kidding, Amirah shat every 10 minutes for about 3 days prior to each tooth, I thought my daughter would die from this or I would.

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