Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Mother's Day and Other Such Nonsense

Oh my god, let's just say it: I haven't written the rest of the birth story.

I have, however, found a photo that compares Play-Doh to poop in a wonderful, colorful illustration of just how very disgusting things can get while you are in labor.

While you are brimming with anticipation for that post, I will distract you with this one.

*Jazz Hands*

Because you know how sometimes? You sign a contract and say you will do something? For example - and this is purely hypothetical, of course - let's say you are contractually obligated to update your blog a certain amount of times per week, except your life is SO DREADFULLY BORING yet still RIDICULOUSLY BUSY? And then you don't update your blog? Then you get a reminder to update your goddamned blog already asshole?

Yeah. So here I am. Updating my goddamned blog.

*Jazz Hands*

(Because there will never, ever, be enough jazz hands. It's like Cow Bell.)

(Coincidentally, this is exactly what I am going to look like if I don't wax soon. It is very urgent, friends.)

So anyway. It's about to be Mother's Day. And one might expect me to find that Mother's Day is, like, totally awesome now that I have a squishy baybee.

Exhibit A: Squishy Baybee

Here is my Mothers Day post from last year. And lucky for you I was still blogging at Redbook then so you will be able to enjoy twice the amount of complaining!


It is important to note that Asian Bird Flu was number one last year. May must be a boring month for the media? That they blow a new flu out of proportion every year? Come on - at least pick a new epidemic! The flu is so last year.

(May I suggest a topic: the staggering amount of morons who have babies every day and shouldn't, and how nobody cares because OHMYGOD OCTOMOM and JON AND KATE ARE BREAKING UP, STUPID INFERTILES!)

(I just read through this and I swear, I need to stay on topic. This is ridiculous with parenthesis and randomness. My most sincere apologies.)

OK. Mother's Day. Not really a fan. Just like I don't like Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day: They are just holidays that seem to be created for the purpose of selling cards, flowers and candy.

Call me crazy, but I'd rather get a nice gift or a surprise on a random day. Just to, oh...I don't know...celebrate my general fabulousness?

We will buy gifts for our moms. I will (gladly) take anything free from any restaurant because I have a dirty love affair with food. I will blow raspberries on Olivia's belly to make her smile so that we can get a good picture.

I won't be bitter like I was last year, and the year before. And the year before.

I will remember all my friends who don't get to mock mother's day, and who will probably stay at home and cry (or try not to). And I will keep my fingers crossed that you get some good news soon.

I won't ask every woman I see if they are a mother. Because you never know what someone is going through. And nothing is worse than having just gotten your period/having a failed fertility procedure/having a miscarriage and venturing out for some comfort food, just to be slapped in the face by a seemingly innocent question.

I will appreciate how lucky I am.

But I better get a good gift.
(I'm looking at you, Mark.)


kelly said...

I know you think this is random, but its your first post in a while that made me cry. THANK YOU for reminding me how far I've come. Last year, Mothers Day was cycle day one of the cycle that led to my IVF, which led to my beautiful daughter, who will be 4 months old on Tuesday. You're right, we really are so lucky. Happy Mothers Day!

Anonymous said...

Jen- thanks for your post. Just read it and figured out why I feel like a freaking psycho today. Tears (when I am alone and reading some sappy whatever) and snappish comments (let's call it what it is- downright bitchy comments)alternating through the day- makes me a popular girl with everyone. Ahhh, another gd mother's day where I get to celebrate everyone else's ability to reproduce and try to forget about the fact that I can't seem to regardless of what we do- fertility treatments, etc. I actually thought I had come to a sort of peace about it so that we can move forward with adoption, but alas, it appears I have not. Anyway, love your blog- it gives me hope and keeps me laughing.

Aunt Becky said...

This is my 8th (also: holy crap) Mother's Day. And I recently ordered myself an insane amount of jewelry and wrapped it for myself. I am planning on buying myself both flowers and chocolate for the holiday too.

But not a card. That would be creepy.

(Happy Mother's Day)

Minta said...

Mother's day defintely sucks. I am finally pregnant this year, so it stings less, but still sucks butt. I as hoping that feeling would go away, but yeah, no.

Rotten said...

Well then Happy Early Mother's Day to ya! It's been a long road for you and I think when you look at your Squishy Babee, you will agree that despite how sucky that road was, she really is a pretty cool reason to be a mom. Enjoy your weekend.

Jaci said...

So, is that "reminder" e-mail kind of like the e-mail I got when I lowered my ads 2 inches too far? Cause I got that little note exactly one day after I moved them. Must be ad spies trolling around the internet just waiting to catch us?

Those bitches.

You totally have a crush on Will Ferrel, don't you? :)

KandiB said...

Will Farrell hangs in my office - the pic of him in headgear. I love him. I'd pick him any day over Brad Pitt. I digresssssssss.

This is my first mom's day, although not yet a mom (5 weeks left!Woot!) I sufficiently guilted hubby into getting me a present. Unfortunately, I get the credit card bill, so I pretty much know what he got. Kinda ruins the surprise but dang I'm looking forward to opening that little box!

Parsing Nonsense said...

That is one fine looking squishy baybeeeee. I'm so glad you get to have a special mother's day this year. I have the feeling Aunt Flo is gonna show up right on Mother's Day and I'll have to slap a smile on my face and pretend it doesn't bother me.

Le sigh.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to be wishing you a Happy Mothers Day this year! You are a wonderful mommy! I LOVE YOU! Mom

alicia said...

happy 1st mothers day to you!

Sandy said...

I'm so glad we both get to celebrate Mother's Day with our new babies. However, my heart goes out to everyone who is still waiting for their Mother's Day, and I'm glad you are still sensitive to that. I love your blog and am waiting for the rest of your birth story, especially since it was SO DIFFERENT from mine.