Monday, May 25, 2009

3 Months: Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

Three months.
Three of them.
Holy hell, my baybee is getting huge. YOOOUGE!

(OK, so she weighs 9.5 pounds and is 23 inches long. That is YOOOUGE to me.)

We decided to do pictures at 3, 6, 9, and 12 months. And while I would love to hire a fancy photographer, I can't justify paying that much money. So we went to Portrait Innovations.

Olivia was in a spectacular mood the day of her 3 month pictures. She spent the entire morning examining her "fancy" socks and smiling at everything I said to her.

I LOVE MY SOCKS!!!!!!! MY MOM IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can imagine, I was very excited about the bevvy of smiles that morning, because pictures! Proof of baby glee!

Even though you can guess what happened, I will continue.

First of all, we got to our appointment ten minutes early. Then had to wait 45 minutes past our scheduled time. I spent the entire time making fun of one of the photographers because you could see a solid two inches of her buttcrack due to one serious sag. And then guess which photographer we got?

Yes. We got Cracky McButtcrackerson.

I was willing to forgive her for her butt crack transgressions. I mean, who hasn't sported the plumber crack at one time or another? So what if she leaves the house knowing that she will need to be bending and moving all day and still chooses to wear pants that show her butt crack? I am forgiving.

The shoot started off promising. Not quite a smile, but close. Maybe she just needs to get warmed up?

Cracky McButtcrackerson was wearing on my nerves. She was a total one trick pony. She kept making some weird noise in Olivia's face in an attempt to make her smile. This was totally not working. And instead of, you know, trying different things? As you would expect a child photographer to do? She just KEPT MAKING THE SAME NOISE.

That in itself was not the problem. The problem is that, since she couldn't make Olivia smile, she decided that Olivia was grumpy.

"Oh, grumpy baby! Just give me one smile! Come on, grumpy! *weird mouth noise* Wow, you are such a grumpy baby! Don't you know how to smile yet? *weird mouth noise* You are just like my niece, she is a little terror, too. *weird mouth noise*"

Nobody calls mah babybee grumpy. Especially after she was a perfect angel while we waited 45 minutes for this awesome shoot. And how she wasn't crying despite the ass crack she just witnessed, which is more than I can say for her parents.

At this point, I decided to try to make her smile.
It looks like I was vaguely amusing...

By the end of the shoot, Olivia was all: Done. Me and my jean skirt are out like the fat kid in dodgeball.

As soon as I picked her up from the pillow, she did about 10 huge smiles and then fell asleep.
Ah, well. I hated that lady, too, so I can't blame her.

At three months, Olivia is adorable (natch) and fun. Every single thing she does is a big huge colossal giant deal. Like no kid ever in the history of kids has ever done any of these things with such skill...

She grabs her toes? OMFG!
She swats at a toy? She is SO SMART!
She plays with her hands? Gimme the camera!
She coos and imitates our voices? She is going to talk in, like, a week!
She rolls over? Genius!

She is still a smile snob. You must adequately entertain her, and then sometimes after she smiles, she gets Very Serious and looks like she is judging you (she probably is).
Yesterday we were watching a Mr. T documentary (as sad as it sounds) and I repeated the T to Olivia: "Don't gimme no jibba jabba!" She found this to be hilarious.

Then, as if she realized that her mother is a flaming moron, she cocked one eyebrow and stared at me.

Get used to it, kid.


alicia said...

ahh those are cute pics! sorry you had a mean photographer! i agree though she is a genius!

Erin said...

How dare McCracky sucky photog lady call Olivia grumpy!! I'm proud of you for not ripping her face off...that must have been hard to resist.
Please, the next time you need pictures taken, come to me. I promise no weird baby noises or butt-cracks.

remember moments said...

Despite the butt crack, you did get some super cute pictures!!

Jen said...

We just had the same photographer with the repetition of the not-working noise! It must be the only thing they teach them in baby picture taking school.

Candice said...

"Cracky McButtcrackerson"
Funniest thing I have ever heard! I love your blog. Too funny.

Portrait Innovations called my son grumpy too, and he is SO NOT! Um, no, you just suck! They kept clucking at him, over, and over, and over. They also showed their butt cracks. Serously the company must have a handbook!!

Aunt Becky said...

The disdainful look they give you now and again when you're doing something particularly stupid to make them laugh? Only.Gets.Worse.

Minta said...

I'm sure none of your readership is at all surprised that Olivia is a beautiful genius! I'm glad to hear that it sounds like the worst of her tummy troubles are behind you, too.

Emily said...

She is such a cutie, and I just love the outfit. My son is three months as well - hasn't this time gone by SOOOO fast?!

Carrie said...

We've had many an "experience" at Portrait Innovations, always involving at least an hour wait. What kid wouldn't be cranky after that? Once the triplets arrive, I think I will be steering clear...

She is adorable and does look genius-like. ;)

Beautiful Mess said...

AHAHAHAH, it's fun to be a moron with your kids. Especially when they can't talk! Great pictures!

Heather said...

And that would be why DH and I have never had Phoebe sit for a photographer other than her school photos. She once did have a sitting at home that was free from the company that did the hospital photos and it was awful. She was tired, unhappy, he couldn't make her smile either and the photos didn't look a thing like her. We started setting up our own scenery, like our Easter photos in my SIL's backyard where she has forsythia in bloom at that time of the year and a beautiful bench in front of them. We have a family member take a family portrait of us every year there. And then at Christmas time, we put up our decorations and flowers around the fireplace and throw a festive blanket over a small chair in front of the fireplace and have Phoebe sit there for her Christmas photos. People always ask us what studio we go to. We admit we DIY and then we can make sure she's in a great mood, doesn't need a nap and such.

*~*Lis*~* said...

so cute!!! Sorry you got a moron with a buttcrack for a photog - never fails for me!

Oh and we all do stupid things - I got the first one to laugh the first time by saying "Who's the guy in the Bruschi shirt?" and then had to do it about 52-million times.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Lame, just because she can't get your baby to smile doesn't mean your baby is grumpy. If your kid isn't screaming her little face off during the photo shoot, she isn't grumpy, yo.

Alyssa said...

Oh my God, too funny! But now I'm thinking my child has a serious weight problem - he is 2 weeks younger than your little gal and he weighs over 17 pounds! How are the tummy troubles for her? Are they better?

SmartAssMom said...

Was the *weird mouth noise* like the clicking one would do at, oh, a horse? If so, we experienced the same at my DD's one month photo shoot.

Hence why she is now 9 months and that is the only photo shoot to date.

Jill said...

Jen-sorry about the mean, ass-crackin' photographer. Come on lady! But, Olivia still looks so cute in these pics despite the suffering you all had to endure. Love the 3 month updates! She sounds like a genius.

~**Dawn**~ said...

I swear every time I read your blog, you make me laugh til I snort. *Now* who's the flaming moron?? =P

christina said...


Precious little girl!!

I've been following your blog as well as a few other great ones during my long infertility process. After our second IUI, I seem to be pregnant now! Yea! My question is were you ever told you were having multiples with a high hCG level with your blood tests? I've read lots of blogs and yours is the first I've come across where your first test was in the 900's and second in the 20,000. This is what is happening to me and I'm freaking out it's twins, triplets, etc....all great just not sure I'm prepared for that. Just curious.