Saturday, April 18, 2009

The End of the World As We Know It

Or: Olivia's Birth Story.

Well, the beginning of it anyways.

I have to make a confession: I don't like reading birth stories. Most of the time, they are filled with way too many uninteresting details and since I have the attention span of a monkey on crack, I cannot finish reading loooooooong birth story post.

So that is why I put off and put off writing a blog post. Because I know that nobody cares what time I got an IV (7 O'Clock) or what I was wearing when I found out I was in labor (clothes. I was wearing clothes). But I am going to post it because I've gotten a bunch of emails (14) and a few comments (3 or 4?) asking me to post it.

On Thursday the 12th, I woke up to a...gush. (Or, what felt like a gush until they broke my water at the hospital and I learned what a GUSH really feels like!) I had fluid and mucous all down my leg. One of my favorite ways to wake up? Is to slime on my leg. Delicious.

Now. The responsible thing to do would be to call your OB and see what they think. That would be the responsible thing. The Uber Pregnant Jen, however, decided that she should wait until after her highlight appointment to call the doctor. Because what if they made me go to labor and delivery? What about my hair? ROOTS! GAH!

After my highlights, I called the OB. They sent me to labor and delivery. My hair looked awesome.

It turns out that I didn't leak amniotic fluid, so after 3 hours I was sent on my way. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH, I had my 38 week appointment. I planned to argue with Sexy Suzie (my hot OB) because I didn't want to be induced. We had our ultrasound first, then we went into the room for my weekly nonstress test. The NST was perfect as always, and the baby was measuring at 6 pounds 12 ounces. Gestational Diabetes my ass!

The nurse came in to take my blood pressure. I was sad in the first place because my favorite nurse wasn't there, and instead we had to talk to Snaggle Tooth Nurse who goes on and on and on about the most ridiculous things before she does what she needs to do. And I'm not sure if you heard? But I'm impatient and slightly bitchy at all times. So she annoyed me.

Anyway. The blood pressure. She took it, said, "Hmmm..." and walked out of the room to get the doctor.


You figure it's pretty bad if they don't even tell you what it is, right? It had been creeping up every week, and I was pretty swollen, but they didn't seem concerned until now.

Sexy Suzie came in and said that I had to go to Labor and Delivery AGAIN and have my BP monitored. If it didn't go down, I would be induced that night. If it did, I was to go in on Tuesday the 17th to be induced. Just to dig the dagger in a bit deeper, she said that she was going to let me go until my due date until my blood pressure was so high.


I didn't ask what it was. Because the whole thing was scary and I just figured I'd go to L&D again and come home late again. But we did go home and get my bag just in case.

Good thing!

My blood pressure did come down, but my cervix and uterus, those tricky bitches, had different plans. I was having contractions and dilating on my own!

The one thing I always wanted to know and could never get a good answer - What do contractions feel like and how bad do they hurt? And my answer is: Meh. I didn't really realize I was even having contractions, I just thought I was kind of crampy. Like, I was going to get my period in a few days. Of course, I have been known to curl up into a useless ball of painful cramps during my periods. So you and I might have different points of reference.

Also? I got an epidural. Because any time pain is unnecessary? I avoid it. Call me crazy.

Upon hearing the news that I was in labor, my very first thought was: I am so glad I ate that Chicken Tender Melt from Perkins for lunch. I'm sentimental like that.

After calling the parentals to let them know, we were whisked off to a labor room, I was hooked up to an IV, and all we had to do was waaaaaaaait. And TEXT. I think I sent and received eleventy thousand texts that night.

My nurse?? Was...interesting.

She looked exactly like this:

Except she was wearing scrubs.

You know when you go to the bank? And you get stuck with the new teller, who has someone looking over her shoulder and saying things like, "make sure the ones don't stick together!" And you're all Sonofabitch This Always Happens To Me? And you watch all the other lines disappear before you even get started?

That's kind of how it was in Labor and Delivery. I had the new nurse, who had old nurses looking over her shoulder and questioning her constantly.

Except I was at the hospital and instead of dollars we were dealing in vagina.

(I will finish soon. I have to get ready to go see Chelsea Handler tonight. I hope Chuy is there...)


Aunt Becky said...

I knew I loved you for a reason. This is a perfect birth story.

Anonymous said...

I must ask, what was in your hospital bag? I am about to have baby #2 and the first time I didn't even pack one on time - oops. So I don't even know what I really should have packed. Suggestions and details would be appreciated :)

Heather Rodriguez said...

Yay! I am so glad you are posting this! Birth stories usually bore me to tears, bot nothing you write is boring! Cant wait to read the rest!

Carrie said...

I like reading birth stories... gives me information on what could happen to me!

I too have (had?) incredibly painful periods and am very curious about what contractions are going to be like. I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance... guess we'll see!

Amy, queen of the world. said...

You are forgiven for not finishing because I LOVE CHELSEA! AND CHUY! But I almost woke up my son laughing at the picture of what your nurse looked like. Because I had the PRETTIEST, SWEETEST NURSE EVER until about halfway through my pushing when her shift was up. Then I got a lady who resembled an elephant's ass. :| And she smelled like a wet ash tray. And I was VERY tempted to knock out her remaining teeth, since she was missing the top row. And all I could think was...this woman had to go to at least 4 years of college AND PASS THE TESTS...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?@!)(@#$*)@#*($~

JuLi-ElLe said...

OMFG I heart her. I watches her on the tvs when my hubby thinks i'm sleeping! Have a good time!

Thanks for starting your birth story, can't wait to post mine (again)! Hurry up and finish, I'm already bored!

Wendy said...

I love the picture of what your nurse looked like! (Sorry about that!)

I love Chelsea H., too. So funny. We saw her standup act last summer.

andrea said...

i totally thought the same thing about contractions.. i just felt all crampy until they were all "can you feel that?" and i totally delt w/ the pitocin contractions until they asked "hey you want the epidural now?" so ya - i probably didn't get the whole "so these are contractions..." thing down!

ihope chelsea was awesome!

beebles said...

i had one of those new nurses too...ugh..SOOOO jealous that you are seeing chelsea handler

Erin said...

Still laughing at the nurse picture. I'm so annoyed with bitchy nurses too, and my first delivery I managed to get all the old naggy heifers. But with my second delivery I got some real sweethearts and they even looked decent and smelled nice!
Can't wait to read the rest!

alicia said...

haha the story is good so far, can't wait to read the rest!

Julia said...

Well, as much as you hate them you sure do a good job keeping them interesting.

Can't wait for part 2.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Yay! Thanks for posting this. You may not enjoy birth stories but I find them fascinating!

MamaSoon said...

You are so stinkin' hilarious. I love it. Well written as always! Have fun with Chuy!

Amy said...

I find it hilarious that you got your highlights done! But, who wants roots?

SusieG said...

Where's the rest of the story? I'm dying here!

Smalltowngirl said...

I love birth stories! Thank you for sharing!

Erin said...

Alright Missy, its been long enough... turn off Chelsea and finish the rest of this story!!

Sully said...

I haven't even finished reading this yet, but can I say....I freaking LOVE that you got your highlights done before heading to L&D! :)