Thursday, April 30, 2009

And I Feel Fine

Or: The One With the Labor

I’m doing this in two more posts because I will never finish it otherwise. I don’t know what kind of moron thinks that they will have ALL KINDS OF FREE TIME after going back to work while wrangling a 10 week old in the evenings. Probably the same one who thinks that her regular pants will fit after she loses all her baby weight even though her stomach looks like delicious pizza dough.

(A really, really big moronnepper.)

I was in labor on my own, but not really. I probably would’ve been at home for another 10 hours or something ridiculous if my blood pressure wasn’t high. So that meant that I still had to deal with Pitocin.

And I was pissed, because I heard so many horror stories about Pitocin. For Example: Just kill yourself if you have to do Pitocin. Stuff like that. But as I mentioned before, it didn’t hurt all that bad (but you’ll see, I’m all about the drugs, doooode).

The Pitocin wasn't moving me along enough so they broke my water.
It was so gross.
I mean really. I gagged. It was like this:

I'm not even kidding. The medical professionals needed actual rescue boats and life vests to even enter my room. And that was after signing extensive legal release forms because it was a total enter at your own risk situation. And seriously? Just when you thought there couldn't be more water?

I don't even know how to describe it. Like, if someone shoved a swimming pool directly into your Lady Business, then pulled the plug, then tried to cover the plug with gum, which stopped the gushing for a while until POP! Another gush! That's the best I can do.

After having contractions for a few hours, the nurse asked me if I wanted any medication to help with the pain. To which, predictably, I said: I want my epidural thankyouverymuch. And she told me that I had to wait until I was at least 5 or 6 centimeters but would I like some morphine?


I’m not much for drugs. (aside from those drugs that facilitate the growth of multiple eggs and thickening of my uterus and caffeine. And Aleve. And DayQuil. And wine.) (OK, maybe I am for the drugs?) I will usually suffer through muscle aches and head aches and ridiculous cramps before I take anything.

I just pass on grass. I talk smack on crack. I wish death on meth. Etcetera.

And good thing, you know? Because OH MY GOD that morphine was, like, a little piece of heaven. Or maybe a big big piece of heaven. Or maybe I died and went to heaven and just imagined that I took morphine. I can totally see how someone could get hooked because my mood improved significantly after the morphine. Childbirth? EASY! Bring it on! I’ve got DRUGS!

So I’m in labor. But I’m all high, so I don’t care. One of the doctors asked me if I wanted my epidural, and told me I could have it any time. And for some reason (probably because I was all high) I told her that the nurse said I couldn’t have it yet.

Commence Argument #1. Oh my hell. The nurse comes back in and apologizes for “the misunderstanding,” and says that she didn’t think she said that I couldn’t have my epidural yet, and says that she should have made herself more clear so that I could understand what she meant.

Whatever, lady. I’m all high. You could tell me that my ass looked fat and I would probably just give you the thumbs up. You want to be passive aggressive toward me because you made a mistake? Well, that's fine. That's great actually! Now, bring me some ice chips while I ride this happy morphine high.

Eventually, I got my epidural. It was so easy that I felt like a total asshole for being worried about it for so long. I couldn’t feel anything below my chest and it was all that I thought it would be. And more. The combination of numbness and morphine high made for a fantastic night of sleep.

In fact, I slept so well, that I barely noticed when a posse of medical professionals came, spread my legs, and got elbow deep into my Lady Business. This happened approximately 497 times. I remember waking up a couple times to find the top of a head bouncing around down there, and just hoping that it was actually a doctor and not room service or maintenance.

There were a few scary and sucky times. I was pretty nauseated a few times, sitting with a barf bucket. I didn’t really think I was going to throw up but wanted to be prepared because who wants to throw up on themselves while numb from the waist down? Not me.

It was so annoying, because EVERYONE who came in the room while I was hovering over my bucket asked, “Are you nauseated?” No, I just like holding this under my face. I think it makes me look awesome.

I never did throw up, though.

There were a few times when all the alarms on my machines went off, and they had to come flip me over so that Olivia's heartrate would regulate.

Hands down, the worst part about labor was the shakes. And by the shakes, I mean THE SHAKES OMFG GAH! I had bouts of uncontrollable shaking. I wasn’t cold or anything but I couldn’t keep myself from making cold noises like “buuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrr” and “uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Even though I wasn’t cold, I kept asking my weirdo L&D nurse for blankets.

Which was the start of argument #2, because one of the nurses had to lay the smack down on weird nurse when I spiked a bit of a fever being under 10 blankets. I believe it went something like this: It is your responsibility to tell the patient that she cannot have more blankets because the shaking is part of labor and has nothing to do with being cold.

This argument was swiftly sidetracked by two things: my wiley cervix, and my piss poor platelets.

Argument #3: Centimeters – they are not inches. Tis for sure.

I was so excited when I was roused awake by my weird nurse to the news that I was dilated seven centimeters. Because, you know, all the hard work I was doing. Being high and sleeping. It was difficult.

But I figured that I’d be able to freely eat carbs again after just 3 teeny tiny centimeters and some pushing, which is just so freaking worth it when you haven’t had carbs in 4 months.

That, and, you know, the baby.

A few minutes later, another posse of hospital dwellers made their way over to the main attraction (my vagina) and declared that lo! Weird nurse is a liar! This bitch is only 3 centimeters! And I was all, “wouldn’t you know the difference between 3 and 7? I mean, I know it’s not inches or feet or whatever, but that is a big difference.” And they were all, “we’re going to have a meeting to discuss this because Pitocin and progress and blah blah blah.”

After much deliberation, it all remained a mystery. (I think weird nurse was right, though, because I did start pushing about 3 hours later.)

I think they decided that they didn’t care about my cervix because there was a more serious situation a’brewin. I had high blood pressure, swelling, slightly elevated liver enzymes and low platelets, and right upper quadrant pain.

Which is BAD BAD BAD, apparently.
Like, so bad, that a bunch of nurses and doctors come in your room and talk about what to do with you like you are not there while you and your husband look at each other and shrug. Bad like that. Bad like discussion of pre-eclampsia, and HELLP Syndrome, and emergency C-Section.

Total buzz kill.

(I am not trying to create some sort of awesome cliffhanger here. It was all fine and eneventful in the end. I mean, I MADE LIFE, so it wasn't wholly uneventful. You know what I mean...)

And how perfect! My lunch break is over, and now I have to stop stealing Panera's WiFi from their parking lot and actually return to work, where I am very busy and important and whatnot and stuff.

(Or where I am a total bitch slave. One of those.)

See Part 3, or The End of These Ridiculous Posts, here.


Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

hahahaha I love the way you wrote this. You are funny! I am glad it ended up well and you have a beautiful baby now.

I hope you do the END because I can't help but think it was exciting like the first part. I had to have a emergency C-Section as well. Lord knows that was exciting.

Jaclyn said...

Oh my goodness, thank you for the laugh! I was in the ER the other night (long story), and I think I might have had the same nurse you did.
Can't wait to read the rest!

uncomplicateme said...

I could have written this for you - I mean not REALLY since I wasn't at Miss O's birth, but I found myself nodding at everything because it was nearly the same as my experience. Except I had Nubain instead of Morphine, pre-epidural and it was heavenly. Oh I think I had Nubain pre-Pitocin too, post-water breaking, post-cytotec. Either way, it was like I was floating on a cloud of lovely labor. But B's heartrate was tanking all the time, so they were flopping me from side to side. And my water breaking had everyone threatening mandatory golashes to enter the room. And I had that dumb little kidney-shaped plastic hospital barf bucket because I was so nauseated. But I never did need it.

And I must end this comment because little mister is fah-reaking out. No nap for him. Thankyouverymuch.

Malloryn said...

This might just be the best birth story evah. Weird nurses, tidal waves, feeling high, plus you pre-warned us about the BAD BAD BAD stuff turning out ok. Looking forward to the finale!

*~*Lis*~* said...

seriously i just peed a little. now THAT was a birth story - can't wait to her the rest!

Aunt Becky said...

With all 3 of my babies, when I had my water broken, the doctor was always like "WOAH." Not all that encouraging, you know?

P.S. Pass the morphine to the left hand side.

andrea said...

hey at least you got blankets! i had the shakes like mad and i got no love.

and i puked.

but you made it sound so much more fun! ;)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting the birth story. Can't wait for the exciting conclusion!

Lynn said...

one of your funniest ever, jennepper.

Anonymous said...

Loving your recount of the birth story. Did they put you on Magnesium Sulfate for blood pressure? They did that to me (even though I didn't have pre-eclampsia, just an assy blood pressure) and that was the worst part of labor. It made me so sick!
Can't wait for part 3!

Katie said...

High-larious! This is the only birth story in the past three years of IF that I can't wait to hear more. (Side note, I tried to read your post at work and it was denied/blocked. Said the reason was PORN. Thought you might find humor in that.

Parsing Nonsense said...

This is hands down the funniest birth story I've ever read. I love the high and sleeping thing, yay you! You may have been the most relaxed in-labor woman ever, so WTF with the high blood pressure? I think your cervix teamed up with your heart to punk you.

Shanny said...

I haven't laughed this hard in quite a while!

And yes, I'm all about the drugs too, best invention ever!

Lauren said...

You. Are. Hilarious. I'm loving your birth story (well not YOUR birth story, but you know what I mean!) and I can't wait for the conclusion! And I just have to tell you the "are you nauseated?" "no I hold this under my face because it makes me look awesome" bit made me laugh for a solid 5 minutes. I'm glad that everything did turn out alright and you now have an adorable little girl. :)

Julia said...

Great had me sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time.

You made LIFE!

April said...

"Lady Business" is my favorite term. I constantly have to restrain myself from stealing it for my own use. But my moral standards have given you a sort of "Lady Business" copyright.

I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the finale!

*TTC*Chick* said...

I just have to say yours may be my favorite blog of all time. :) That is all. :)


Erin said...

So what about the poop and stuff?

And you're back to work? I'm sorry. That sucks dirty asshole. Almost as bad as pooping during labor.

So that means Lil' O is in daycare now? How's that going? Oh, they're raping you for every cent you have? Yeah, me too. Your next post topic... "Daycares: What a Fucking Ripoff."
After the poop post though.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you have ever watched the movie Coneheads? Old movie but hysterical. The part where Prymatt begins the 'birth spasm' and her water breaks is awesome. It reminds me of your story. If you haven't seen it, you should rent it for that scene alone.

~Denise~ said...

Hilarious! I love your writing, and I think we can all relate to your story in some way.

Sarah said...

Your birth story actually makes me a little less scared to give birth myself. I'm trying to silently laugh so as not to wake up DH. I may have to go outside in a minute and let it out though.


Awesome story.By the way the shakes are a side effect of the epidural (some of us lucky people get them with general anesthesia, too yay!)
Ive had exploratory laparoscopy twice for my PCOS and also D and C after my miscarriage and evertyime got the shakes. It wasnt until reading about the side effects of epidural and anesthesia, that i found out, nobody let me know beforehand and i have worked at l& d and nobody lets you know (im a nurse) CONGRATULATIONS YOUR STORY GIVES ME HOPE

Christine said...

Wickedly hillarious - the best birth recollection I have ever read/heard...and you're only half way there! Hurry please...or I may have to stalk your blog even more...ewww creepy!

Funny how it all works out though eh? My life creations are already learning how to swim - time goes so fast.

courtney said...

Bring on the drugs! Boy, that's a movie in the making. Where was this story when they were filming 'the miracle of life' for high school students? I think it's time for a re-make.

JP said...

Loving this so far. Definitley not the "typical" birth story. Can't wait for the rest.

Cort said...

So you don't know me, and I don't know you, but I've read every post in your blog over the past few weeks, and we to have about a bagillion things in common. My husband and I were reading your blog about what not to say to an infertile person the other not, and we were both cracking the hell up. With four years of infertility under our belts, we have heard ALL. OF. THOSE. Why are people so generic? If you're going to be annoying and offensive, at least make it original.

Anyhoodle, I have an infertility blog, too, if you have the urge or time (ha!) to read it.

Love the birth story. I keep checking back to read the end

The Mrs. said...

This. was. hilarious.

My first visit to your blog, and I was laughing out loud at this post!! Can't wait to read the rest of the story!!

PS - Now I am traumatized to give birth...

Anonymous said... don't take meds for a headache or cramps, but you see nothing wrong with taking narcotics for "unnecessary pain" when you have a BABY, another human life, a very fragile human life, inside you? It didn't alarm you that her heart rate was reacting badly? You shouldn't be joking about this. You should be writing seriously, thoughtfully, APOLOGETICALLY, about your mistake and how you will do better next time. Labor is pain with a purpose. And you have your passenger to think about. Only, you don't. You only think about yourself. "Oh, my boobs hurt. Who cares that my baby needs breastmilk? I'm too lazy, I give up!" Ugh. Disgusting.

Jessica Pruett said...


haha!! to Anonymous who has no balls to post their name and contact information.... or address... lol

Get over yourself and post your dumb ass comments somewhere else.