You know how there are some things that people say that let you know that you will be in for some serious faking of interest? And you are all, "Oh, my gosh, yes! Enlighten me!" but really you are thinking, "Dear god, how long until lunch? I could really go for a latte right now, or maybe even a Big Mac...I wonder if anyone has a Tic Tac...My butt itches..." while trying to keep eye contact and laugh and say uh huh at all the right places.
Let me give you some examples:
1. Maybe you had to be there, but the funniest thing happened...
2. No offense, but...
3. Oh my gosh, listen to this dream I had last night...
Any three of these things, from the wrong person, can cause much head explodyness. So good luck to you, because:
Oh my gosh, listen to this dream I had last night!
Last night I had a dream that I was nursing. Which I suppose isn't surprising considering my current state of being seriously, for realsies pregnant. Probably given my discovery that The Ladies make colostrum. They've been doing it for a month now, but now they are really doing it, and it kind of makes The Ladies less about The Sex and more about Feeding The Lady who will be coming directly out of My Lady Business in a mere 6 weeks.
Which is weird.
The dream was probably just normal anxiety about the future, right? Nighttime brain dumping, perhaps.
Except that all this maternal nursing business was between mommy and her 1 year old Shih Tzu, Milo.
Meet Milo: He's one hell of a nurser. And thanks to the groomer, a bit of a cross dresser, but only when the groomer ignores his wiener and balls and sends him home with a pretty pretty bow...
In my dream, Milo was being fussy. So I say to Mark, "give him here." And I pop him right on the tit, where he proceeds to Nurse Like a Human.
Then I woke up and thought two things:
What the fucking fuck?
I really, really need some carbs. Stat.
(Is right now a good time to mention that I originally wrote this post with Meconium, instead of Colostrum?)
(I wrote that my boobs were leaking fetus shit.)
(I didn't catch it until I did my final spell check, after I read, and reread the post multiple times.)
(It is no small wonder that I am trying to nurse dogs in my sleep.)