Monday, January 26, 2009

35 Weeks: How should my tombstone read?

“Died peacefully under a mountain of clean baby socks.”


“Died after being tackled by a grocery store security guard who was suspicious that she was shoplifting a watermelon.”


“Died in fits of inappropriate laughter at childbirth class.”


"Died from shame in trying to combine three short blog entries into one way too long entry."

Let me start at the beginning (of the week): Death by Baby Sock

There was a time when I would roll my eyes at the cliches of pregnancy.
Pregnancy brain? No, you’re just an idiot. Sorry.
Bitchy Pregnant Monster Hormones? Whatever. You’re in a bad mood. Don't use your baby as an excuse to be a douche.
Cravings? You just feel like eating. Don’t complain to me when you can’t lose that extra 100 pounds two years later.
Nesting? It’s called productivity. You’re not special. Way to not be lazy!

I am probably rolling my eyes a bit still, but The Nesting.
Oh. The Nesting.
You can call it whatever you want if you don’t like the term nesting. It started out with wild, uncontrollable list making. Long, detailed, orgasmic lists of things to do! To look into! To remember! To CROSS OFF!

Then, after I had the longest list ever written, I started doing things and then adding more things and then AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZZ…….

But I didn’t know that it wasn’t bad yet. I was naïve in thinking that I just needed to write things down to remember all of the things I need to do.

After both of my baby showers, I decided to organize all of the stuff that we got. Normal? I think so. I took everything out, threw away the packages, bought an organization unit with pink baskets, and rode that closet like a pony. It looked sexy and clean and organized.

Until I went to update my Bump Pregnancy Checklist, and realized that I should be packing my hospital bag this week, which means that I should be packing baby clothes, and none of my baby’s clothes had been washed and would probably make her skin peel off and OMFG PPL I NEED TO DO LAUNDRY.

And Laundry I did.

I woke up at 4 a.m. on Wednesday and I washed every item of clothing in Cupcake’s closet with a size of 0-6 months, including socks, sheets, Boppy Covers, burp cloths, blankets – if it was washable, I washed the shit out of it. With Cheer Free, because I think that Dreft is bullshit.

Once I did all that laundry, I needed to assemble the Pack and Play, the Travel System, and the Bouncy chair and wash all of the parts of those. Then I washed all of the bedding. THEN I did our laundry, because hell, I was already the laundry wench so what was another three loads, you know? Why bother relaxing - I can relax when the baby comes. (HA!)

I did three days of laundry. And on the fourth day I rested. It was all very Genesis, except I didn’t really do anything monumental like creating heaven and earth – just mental, like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. I was, like, two Prozacs away from hanging lists all over the shed in our back yard.

Mid-Week: Death by Tackling
35 Week Belly Picture: Could I possibly look more like a Watermelon Smuggler?

That is my 35 week belly, and my new expensive camera. Because, you know, I have to take pictures of the baybee and they have to be high quality. And look, my hand briefly grazed over a fancier $1200 camera before it turned black (like my heart) and blew away in a million ashes, so we should all be happy that I bought this camera and not a different, more expensive, less necessary one. Now I just need to learn how to use it...

Let me end at the end (of the week): Death by Belly Laugh
Then, you know, it was Sunday. And we had to go to our Childbirth class. Normal people have no issues with this. I do.

I was kind of looking forward to this week's class because we were told that we would learn breathing and massage techniques for labor. Sounds useful to me, right?

We put our blankets and pillows on the ground and are told to sit facing each other. Then, the instructor came around and gave the moms-to-be lotion...or, more accurately, shot wads of old person scented imitation cum lotion into our palms.


This was enough to make me giggle. Then, Mark had to rub this shit into my hand while we listened to a "guided relaxation video."

And this is where it all went wrong. Horribly wrong. Colossal middle school fail type wrong.

Sometimes I tend to start laughing and then I can't stop. And not just annoying giggling, but, like, gut busting laughter that cannot be stopped no matter the consequences. One time, I laughed like that at a funeral because my friend asked why they were using potpourri at a funeral, and for some reason I found it hysterically funny that he was calling incense potpourri, and it got worse when he was all, "what? I've never seen potpourri at a funeral before!" And the more I think about how I need to get a damned grip, the more I can't stop laughing. It's bad.

So, the instructor tells us to close our eyes and try to follow along, and I think that most people would be able to do this but I am somewhat socially inept and so this would be a Big Big Problem.

First the video says, "Imagine your baby floating in a deep blue sea."

My eyes fly open, and I see Mark struggling back a guffaw. I start a silent belly laugh. A controllable belly laugh.

Then the video says, "Ask your baby questions, like, what do you want from me baby?"

Then I died.
I was laughing so hard that I was crying. Tears. Lots of them. Tears, and snorting and snot flying out of my nose from trying to hold back maniacal laughter. And grunts and sweat and the possibility that I will need to run from the room and far enough away to literally LOL right in the hospital lobby.

I'm sure that the purpose of this exercise was to picture yourself as some sort of fertile earth mother birth goddess. But all I could picture was myself wild-eyed, red-faced and sweaty in my 20th hour of painful labor yelling, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, BAYBEE?!" followed by something really eloquent, like "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!"

FINALLY, after a million years (or one minute, twenty three seconds of pure torture), the exercise ended, and her presentation moved on. Then we came to another slide that showed a relaxation exercise, and I could feel my insides start to quiver with potential laughter. That's when the instructor says, "Maybe we will skip this one, because it is really cheesy, and I might lose credibility."

I can only imagine just how cheesy it was. And just how big of an asshole she thought I was.

Death from Shame
I am so tired. SO tired. I think of something to write, then it is gone. I even wrote on a sticky at work when I had an idea, and I lost it. I am sure it's stuck to the back of some important client paperwork somewhere, and I'm sure it said something really exceptional, like "My Vagina is Tiny: So, How Exactly Does This All Work?"


patiencesong said...

OMG, you crack me up. The visual of you at the childbirth class are hilarious. I'm just glad I wasn't there, because I, too, am the occasional victim of Inappropriate Laughter and also very susceptible to catching laughing fits.

BTW, very long time reader, but I think the first time I've delurked, so let me just say thanks for sharing all your ups and downs in your own inimitable way. Can't wait to hear about Little Miss Cupcake upon her arrival.

BrandiH2007 said...

You are too funny! I am now nervous to go to my birth class! I was in bed watching America's Funniest Videos a few weeks ago and I started laughing uncontrollably. DH kept asking what was so funny, being that there was a commercial on, and I had no idea!

*~*Lis*~* said...

My DH and I were the gigglers in our CB class. The woman on the video they made us watch was making a noise that sounded to me like when that little Vern guy started saying "I'm all right, I'm all right" in an episode of the Surreal Life (anyone? anyone?). Anyway DH and I recognized it and just started giggling and COULD.NOT.STOP! He actually had to leave the room because we were getting dirty looks from the midwife.

Amy said...

HEHEHE! Too Funny! Nesting is great, I got more done this weekend then most months!!!

bethkyle said...

lol on the post it note!...what kind of camera did you get?

Tiffanie said...

uggghhh, i hate ghey imagery crap like that too. and, OMFG! only 28 more days??!! holy shit!

ps, is someone going to update your blog in a timely manner when you have the baby? or text? you know, since i am not on the board anymore.

areyoukiddingme said...

The birthing class - maybe they just suggest those because they know you're under the influence of the Bitchy Pregnant Monster Hormones, and think you need a laugh. Or maybe you're just like me, and find those lovely touchy-feelie earth mother things silly.

But, really, nothing is better than going to birthing class and doing the "relaxation exercises" by yourself because your husband had to work that day.

Another Julia said...

How funny!
I found our childbirth class deathly boring. Instead of doing something smart, like taking one long class on a Saturday, we took six shorter ones. Kill me.
I lost it the day that we sat on "birth balls". Of course Mr. Julia decided that they looked a lot like hippity-hops--remember those?--and led the husbands in a race around the room. Could not stop giggling!

Wow--35 weeks--Cupcake is almost here! Best of luck--can't wait to "meet" her.

alison said...

Dude baby laundry is the best thing ever. I washed Cletus' stuff once, but the thought actually crossed my mind that I should do it again because you know it might have germies on it or something. I'm sure laundry in general is going to suck 2 months from now, and I'm really going to want to just go buy a whole new wardrobe because that would be easier. Except they would need washed too. Such a vicious cycle...

Mel said...

Thank you, this one had me rolling. Loved it! I also laughed hysterically at the childbirth class and almost got the boot from the glaring Irish nurse who I couldn't understand. We were trying to change the diaper on the fake baby and Husband kept making the creepy baby stand up and stare at me. LOL Look, there I go, I am laughing uncontrollably again just thinking about it.

We are in the midst of the laundry/construction of baby products/organization mayhem ourselves and I am exhausting myself just thinking about it.

Seriously, how did we get so damn pregnant? And why do I want to go in to labor SO BADLY?


Rebecca said...

I had to delurk on this one. You usually make me giggle with your posts, but this one had me laughing out loud. Like my husband looking at me from across the room "what's wrong with you?" laughing. You CRACK me up.

alicia said...

haha! that must have been a fun birth class!!! Can't wait to start mine :)

KimboSue said...

Our classes are coming soon. I know DH and I will be like you and yours. We were cracking up the other day watching "Worst Week" when that couple was in their class. I can't imagine the 70's gayness of the videos.

And seriously - I had to wipe off my monitor from the laughter spit!

Kelly said...

I love this! You're GREAT! Good luck- at least you're being super productive!

Leah said...

I think you are absolutely hilarious! All I have to say is Epidural. I will hug a tree and be one with nature on a hike.

Poppy said...

I can't even remember how I found your blog...but omg do you make me laugh. You so remind me of my daughter. Same sense of humor, same quick wit. Very refreshing. You also make me yearn for the day when my baby will be expecting a baby. It ought to be damn fun if it's anything like reading your blog ;)

So ummm, how exactly does this work??? Trust me, it works. I birthed four children from my little 5 foot, 105 lb (bef pg) frame. I didn't allow myself to dwell on it. Otherwise I think child #1 would still be in utero :)

Good luck, I'm thinking of you!

Erika said...

You are a very funny storyteller. That video honestly sounds heinous, though, and I would make an ass out of myself too.

Congrats on all the list crossing off you did, though! I'm looking forward to seeing pictures of your backyard festooned with lists!

Dreamer4agift said...

I can't stop laughing. Thank you for this.

P.S. Your belly pic is adorable--watermelon smuggler or not

Jen said...

I spent most of childbirth class laughing. Secretly and as quietly as I could (we had to start sitting at the back) because the instructer was so Very Serious. You got in trouble if you laughed or talked. No, seriously, like we were in second grade, she yelled at us.

JenM said...

I'm so glad you went Nikon :-)

Other than that, as always, your blog cracks me up. And dude, you did drop. Maybe that's what causes the nesting??? I can only dream of the kind of energy that makes you get up at 4 am to do laundry.

We have a video for our class that we are watching in parts. The first part had graphics showing the mucous plug being lost, and poor DH's face had me giggling too. I can only imagine when we get to the birth.

Don't stress about the birth part - you'll be fine ;)

Peeveme said...

Funniest thing I have read all week. I'm belly-laughing at work.

Emily said...

your post reminds me of laughing in church as a kid or in class. too funny!

thanks for the laughs!

'Murgdan' said...

Oh that would totally give me a stroke. I would try so hard to stifle my laughter I'm sure my head would pop off. There is just no way to stay serious during stuff like that, is there???

Cernanec Family said...

You're having one baby, right? I have three babies. Trust me, you totally have more than enough time to do laundry when you get home. Shit, you have more than enough time to squeeze in a Lifetime movie or two...or eight. You know, whatever floats your boat. Easier said than done, but don't stress. It will all work itself out. And if it doesn't, just phone a friend.

Can't wait to "meet" your baby and hear about your labor in a few weeks. I've been following your pregnancy since right before you conceived. I also used the Cleveland Clinic when I got pregnant with my triplets in April 2008. I googled them and came across your blog prior to our embryo transfer. You've been on my favorites list ever since. Scary, right?


Heather said...

So funny!!!! I'd be laughing at that video too. Actually the few people I had in the delivery room with Phoebe and I were in hysterical laughter during the times that I was not trying to really breathe through contractions. The laughter was the best part all I can remember though is "telekenetic snot propulsion!" and I have no idea where that topic came from, but we were laughing so hard about it!

sheilah said...

I am with you. All of that Earth mother, zen, relaxation crap alternately makes me want to crack up or vomit.

I would have been rolling on the floor right a long with you.

andrea said...

i am not even kidding - the laughing is one of the reasons we skipped childbirth class. i know i couldn't handle it! now i am going to be the freaking idiot in labor wondering what happens next, but w/e!

still looking good!

~**Dawn**~ said...

I am not sure how I first found your blog, but I have been quietly reading without working up the nerve to leave a comment. I just read this post. At my desk. AT WORK. I was laughing so hard, I *had* to finally comment & tell you how much I enjoy your writing.

Jen and Jared said...

I just found your blog and this post had me laughing out loud! You are hilarious!!!! I remember the day I decided to do the before the baby laundry - I thought "a couple of baskets, no problem"... then as I was folding I realized that two baskets of baby laundry = about 7 baskets of adult laundry. Everything is so tiny! It took me all day to fold and put away.

I hope your labor and delivery goes wonderfully and that there are many good reasons for you to laugh during it!


Roses Daughter said...

OMG! i just fell out laughing! You are hilarious. Seriously. I can't wait until you go into labor.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Thank you Thank you ... I needed this tonight. My stomach still hurts from laughing.

Minta said...

You are too funny! I hope the snow's not getting you down!

the misfit said...

Absolutely hilarious. Thanks so much for sharing.

Julia said...

I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. My husband kept asking what was so funny. I couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell him. Then he looks a the screen and sees its your blog. "She hasn't had that baby yet!" he said.

No, she's ONLY 36 wks. Wait! This watermelon is going to pop out any time.

Erin said...

OMFG, I don't know who you are or why you don't have your own TV show (because I would totally watch it), but YOU.ARE.EFFING.HILARIOUS. I stumbled across your blog somehow, and now I'm hooked. THANKS. Also, I'm scheduled for a c-sec on Feb 27, so we on the same timeline, neat huh? Except I'm way fatter than you are. Bitch. (Kiiidding.)
BTW, you need to seriously write a freaking book. Please add it to your list.

mrsyak said...

HELLO! You are so getting too close to "go time" for such random updates! Everyday I check and wonder if sweet lil'cupcake has chosen to come early or if you're all iced in or what!! Yes, I'm aware that this borders on rude (esp. since I've been super bad about updates myself), but you make me LOL and I really look forward to reading your effin hilarious posts!

Leanne said...

just found your blog... DYING laughing at this post. congrats on the little cupcake, can't wait to read all about her!