Wednesday, January 14, 2009

34 Weeks: Non-Stressing

So. Things have been happening, and I have been too tired and lazy to blog about them. Last night, the third of five times waking up to pee, I thought of something very hilarious to say on this blog, then I fell asleep and forgot it by the fifth pee.

Well, it was hilarious at two in the morning when I was half asleep and trying to navigate to the bathroom to pee without opening my eyes, anyway. Maybe we're all better off?

Last week I had to wait almost an hour for my OB appointment. Mark and I sat in the room, listening to some lady next door bitch out the OB over something. I know this because the OB office has paper thin walls. I hope the workers there realize this and don't walk out of a room mumbling obscenities because you can totally hear it. I know I will keep it in mind, should I ever have an It Burns When I Pee situation to discuss with my doctor.

Anyway. Waiting. For an hour. Pissed off. Starving.

Mark and I seriously considered running the appointment ourselves and just leaving notes on the white exam table paper for the doctor to copy into my file.

Finally, the doctor comes in and is all sorry about that blah blah blah. And I'm all, "hey, you could totally make it up to me by giving me an ultrasound, mmmmkay?"
Amazingly, he said that he would but not until next week!

Then he realized that during our hour wait, we were supposed to be having a non-stress test. He was lucky that he dangled the ultrasound in my face like a Twinkie, because when he apologized, I said, "You had me at Ultrasound. You had me at ultrasound."

Last week, cupcake was measuring at 33 weeks, which was perfect. Her heartbeat was perfect, my glucose readings were perfect, and the only thing that was not perfect was that I was so hungry I wanted to eat the elastic bands on the torture device strapped to my abdomen for the non-stress test. Elastic has no carbs, right?

The test was cool. We could constantly hear the heartbeat, and every time she kicked, it sounded like thunder. Mark realized it first that the kicks sounded like thunder, then he said, "that is totally blowing my mind." Then he lit up another doobie.* I was having Braxton-Hicks contractions and got to see them on the graph.

Continuing the tradition of milking my insurance for every single precious maternity coverage penny, I will be going to THREE appointments this week: a non-stress test, my 34 week appointment, and an ultrasound.

So help me, if we see a penis on that screen...

Speaking of penises**, my second shower was Saturday, and Nostradamus correctly predicted Armageddon: Ohio Style. The roads locally were passable, so we still had 10 people come. We had fun, I think! And really, everyone got a prize, because we were supposed to have 26 people crammed into my living room to play games. So the guest-prize ratio was very favorable.

I admit to a few tears in the morning over the weather, and how it so effectively fucked my shower right in the ass. However, it was a fabulous time - here is a pic of the cupcake tower and adorable favors:

And here is me, in all my 33 weeks pregnant glory and whatnot in front of the fireplace:

I think I have earned my good weather karma - there was a blizzard on my shower day, so I will have a crystal clear day for my drive to the hospital. It's My Name Is Earl, except My Name Is Jennepper, and I didn't win the lottery.

Eating karma? Not so favorable. At the shower, I was a horrible human being who deserves to birth a toddler because I ate two cupcakes, pasta salad, Pizza Hut, AND BURGER KING. Like some sort of diabetic junkie going on a total bender. (You know what? My sugar wasn't all that shocking after my performance - it was 132, and my limit is 120.)

Wilford Brimley is probably setting fire to a fertility clinic right now.

*Not really, but it's not often that Mark sounds like a pot head. Except that last night he couldn't remember how to write a cursive B, and said, "how come I can't remember how to write a cursive B?" and I couldn't breathe because I was laughing so hard. He sounded hiiiigh then, too.

**It has nothing to do with penises, but there aren't enough changes of subject where I can use "speaking of penises," and since all the pretty pretty pink clothes I got at my shower would be useless in the event that a penis appears at the ultrasound, I thought I'd seize the day.


KandiB said...

You are RIGHT around the corner from being so done! I'm jealous, just a tad. Your shower sounded fun, even if there was a bit of a damper. Here's to pink cupcakes and penises.

Jaci said...

I love the pink and brown together, and you look very pretty and happy!

Ugh, the bathroom issues! I don't know what's worse, the morning sickness or the irritation of constantly feeling like you have to pee. By the time labor hit, I think it was a close tie.

How are you still alive after ingesting Pizza Hut AND Burger King? You should have died in the bathroom during an explosive poo--like Elvis. :)

Julia said...

I envy you. I wish I had my shower sh*t done with. I'm at the pick out what you need/want stage.

Your cupcakes look delish and your belly shot is adorable.

bb and mtb said...

Are you telling me that you haven't had a ultrasound since the big ultrasound when you found out you were having a girl cupcake? You need to be playin' up this whole diabeetus thing a little more, Girlie. Diabeetus' deserve more ultrasounds, right?

So happy everything is going well!

Jen said...

When I had my non-stress test, the baby kept kicking at the monitors. I was amused.

alison said...

You look fantastic, still! This is all getting so close, isn't it. I hit the wall today. The I-need-to-be-done-sooner-than-later wall.

So glad cupcake is well! We had the u/s tech double check last week that Cletus has a penis (you know, or we'd have a princess dressed in blue). Thankfully he does.

And I have to tell you that the nurse that teaches our childbirth class moved back from Ohio a few years ago, and she always has these "when I was a nurse in Ohio" stories that totally crack me up, and then I think of you. You Ohioans are funny folks. :)

KristenWiley said...

I am so sorry I missed the shower. Not because I wanted to see you, but because I wanted a fucking prize. I can't wait to seeeee you!! :) I am babysitting Miss Abby (Alecia's baby!) this weekend, as a trial run. You know, to decide if we want kids. (I say yes, because I hate doing dishes and laundry. Put them to work, like the Duggars!)

Also, Jay has those "stoner moments" that are funny. Except he was at one time a total stoner, therefore, I see it as just sad sometimes. Our poor kids.

And another aside, I feel the plural of "penis" should be "Peni" As in, "There was a shit ton of peni in that porn last night!!" Penis= Peni, Like Catus=Cacti.

It is late. My dad had to bring me home cause I could not get up our road. My dog is driving me nuts. Sorry.

The Blonde Duck said...

Stopping in from SITS! You're hilarious!

Mrs. Higrens said...

I realized my OB's office had paper thin walls when I went in for something in our early exploration of infertility and could hear the heartbeat of the baby next door like a freaking drum. It sucked.

Looking good!

Malloryn said...

I love the cupcake tower, how appropriate! You're looking great :)

Rach said...

Love the dress!! I still can't decide if my shower is in need of a new dress or if we are going more casual. I am still prying for more details. :)

And speaking of penises, yesterday I had the very same thought you did. We have had more than one qualified person tell us that Shorty is a girl, but there are those random "what if" thoughts that just kill me. If she is a boy for some strange reason, I am OK embarrassing my son in pink clothes for a bit in the beginning, but if we have to go through trying to find another name, we both might go a little nutty!

Emily said...

You look amazing! Thanks for the giggles!

Shanny said...

Yes, you definitely should get a crystal clear day when you drive to the hospital to have your non-penis baby. lol.

Those cupcakes look yummy!

Kaitlyn said...

I feel like such a drone, with nothing to say. Other than your writing cracks me up in inappropriate places.

Anonymous said...

I was worried my girl would be a boy even though we had done PGD and she had XX chromosomes. Worried, only because of pink clothes and bedding. Then I decided if she were a he, he'd be the most secure child ever and wear the frilly pink.

Kathleen said...

Okay, I have a question-- why are they doing an ultrasound at this point? Is this routine (I thought ultrasounds were a thing of the past after the BIG one at 18-20 weeks)? If they are routine in the 3rd tri, whoo-hoo! That means I get another one soon-- that'd be awesome. Just wondering...

By the way, you look super-cute!

Anonymous said...

A baby shower gift for you:
If you're thinking of banking your baby's cord blood, you're welcome to use this $250 gift card...

Erika said...

I think that of all the benders one can go on, a diabetic one would by FAR be the best one. Don't feel bad about it, you earned it, right? Weather-related problems are the worst beause there's less than nothing you can do about them!

MamaSoon said...

Woah, those cupcakes look good. And you look adorable.