Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Please nominate me for What Not to Wear.

I was so excited for it to be fall. For a few reasons:

1. Reduction in leg-shaving requirements.
2. Reduction in toenail paint maintenance.
3. Long sleeves to cover up my serious development of grandma arm.
4. Jeans to cover these dimply egg cartons I call legs.

You know, many many good reasons for it to be fall.

But now it's 80 degrees and I'm walking around in cap sleeves that make me arms look like drumsticks and wearing peep toe shoes that show off my attractive calluses and hangnails and OH MY GOD I NEED TO COVER UP.

Not to mention my nervous habit of picking my finger skin until it bleeds when I am feeling stressed. So the only thing that has made it feel like fall is the fact that school is in session and that I am 21 weeks pregnant.

My stomach is really, really getting big. Last night during class, my professor decided that it would be a brilliant idea to make me move from my beautiful, cherry picked on the first day of class seat on the end of a row to a middle seat in the TEENYIST classroom in Ohio so as to promote diversity because I was sitting by too many white people, I think?

I mean, I am all about diversity. I would hump diversity's leg given the appropriate circumstance. Diversity is, you know, fantastic and all that shit.

But why, oh why, would you make a clearly pregnant person squeeze between rows? Honestly. Out of 25 people, he moved me and one other person. It could have been my remark about our pop quiz at the beginning of class that made me the target?
("Are you kidding me? We would have had to memorize all 30 pages of that article to be able to answer these questions!") I'm not sure.

The first problem is that I cannot bend over without a grunt. My uterus does not allow me to bend over without making difficult bowel movement sounds, even if I have been just asked to switch seats in front of TWENTY FIVE PEOPLE who can hear my grunting and can't decide if I am having a baby or if I just ate a really lot of Chipotle for lunch.

I'm not sure if you heard, but I'm bringing sexy back on a daily basis. That, and I am a flaming hot mess these days.

Secondly, I am beginning to resemble the Michelin Man, which is fine and everything except when you are trying to carry your bookbag, water, purse, and folder while squeezing your fat ass through two rows of seating in order to promote diversity in the classroom.

Then, it is not fine to look the the Michelin Man, it is just embarrassing.

On my way to my new, super duper diverse seat, I managed to whack someone in the head with my stomach, drop my pen, grunt as I sat down, then spill my notebook on the floor.

At the end of class, one of my neighbors for the evening asked, "So how soon is your baby going to come out?"

"Not soon enough, apparently," was all I could muster.


MDZ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MDZ said...

I can totally relate to your grunting! I am 18+ weeks pregnant and am already finding it difficult to bend down to pick up items I have dropped. It is even hard to get up off the couch! I was thinking just last night as my husband pulled me off the couch (with much grunting on my part) that if it is this bad at <20 weeks, how will I make it to 40!?

Aunt Becky said...

I've noticed I really pop out from about 21-27 weeks. And then I look like a blimp.

Can it be winter yet? Please?

alicia said...

oh wow! that is quite the story! I really can't believe he picked you to move! that is jsut mean, he must have been looking for some entertainment! haha.

Sarah said...

Men...they have NO idea. I would have refused. Or made him carry my stuff.

Did you at least rub your belly whilst giving him the nastiest look you could manage?

Elle Charlie said...

Sorry - no one should make you move seats in grad school. Undergrad... maybe. Even that's pushing it.

Tricia said...

OMG.. you always make me laugh.. But, making anyone move thier seats.. What is this 4th grade? pffftt.

PJ said...

Funny stuff!!!

Um.... so your professor is a MAN, right?

ka1t_lyn said...

Professors always seem to hate it when you call them out for being total nicompoops about their procedures.

As if it's not enough that you're PAYING to be there, you have to be humiliated too. I'm sorry!

Bekah said...

Oh dear, oh dear. I won't be the smug about to pop pregnant woman who says to you, "it gets worse." But um, it does. And I'm sorry. My dog thinks it's funny to lay across the front of the couch I'm sitting on, so I have to over extend my legs past her to try and shimmy my whale-like mass to the edge to get up. I mean, if dogs are capable of humor, that's totally why she does it. Or I guess my husband could have trained her to do it.

Kristin said...

I didn't grunt, I "off'ed" all the time after 22 weeks.

And your professor is an a hole for making you move. What did he want a laugh, "oh let's watch tubby try to move"? It would have taken less time to make everyone else move!

The next time some one asks you "when is the baby coming out", just smile and say, "on her birthday". Like I said I have tons of rude replies.

Seriously? - Erin said...

Hi Jen! Thanks for the advice. I have a feeling we might do something like that if we don't decide. Having it will probably be too tempting for me to resist :)

I think we are leaning towards knowing.

BTW, being just a week or so behind you I have found that I have lots of clothing issues that make me look ridiculous. I finally went and bought bigger undies to try and eliminate the VPL...I guess it really is time to buy maternity pants!

Mrs. Higrens said...

I'd be happy to send your dumb-ass professor a flaming email on your behalf. It's amazing how many book-smart people have no clue when it comes to social niceties.

Erika said...

I think it's lame that your professor asked you to move seats. You should NOT have to climb over people to get to your seat, and your access to the bathroom should never be barred by that many obstacles. He's being an idiot!

Sully said...

Ooh! The grunting! That's all I do. Every little movement requires some sort of unattractive grunt. I keep promising the husband that it'll stop after baby comes - I hope it doesn't become a habit. :)

Dreamer4agift said...

How rude of your professor...just tell him that you are moving back to your own seat and if he wants to show diversity, he can move diff. ppl to you. What a man.

I'm with you on wanting fall weather. I was enjoying the few cool days, happy to wear a sweatshirt, jeans, and flip-flops...then it went and got all hot on me and I.don't.like.it.

Here's to hoping for fall weather to come soon for the sake of all our hair legs!