Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A General Plea: Do Not Touch Me

A few weeks ago, I was touched. No, not "show me on the doll where the bad man touched you" touched.

I was a victim of the belly touch.
I was violated.

I will be the first to admit that I was always pissed off at pregnant people for complaining about people touching their stomachs. Whiney bitches, don't know how lucky they are. Right?

Maybe I still hold that opinion to be true. Hopefully I will make it to the point where I am big enough to have random people feeling me up, and I can let you know if it is really that offensive. Remember - I show my vagina to anyone in a white coat (pharmacists are tricky...I'm always tempted).

You see, friends, my problem is that I am kind of fat.
Here is how I deal with fertility treatments:

Except instead of a carrot, I'd be gnawing on a block of Velveeta. And instead of a cute hamster, I'd be a fat infertile whiney pain in the ass.

Yes, I gained 4 pounds during each In Vitro, and two pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I am up 10 pounds. In addition, my ovaries are the size of apples, my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, and my abdomen is filled with fluid from being over stimulated.

Yes, there's a baby in there, too. But it is the size of a grape this week.

I am just FAT.

If you read through my blog these past few months, I do not deny being fat. My pants don't fit. My stomach looks like I've been excessively hitting the keg stands and then enjoying several runs to the border for a nice burrito.

Recently, I went to a party and someone came up to me and said, "Oh, look at you!" and then touched my belly.


Would this be less annoying if I was, say, 30 weeks pregnant with a giant belly and a pregnant waddle? I believe so.

But since I am barely pregnant, and not showing at all, not so fun.
Would you walk up behind someone at a party and grab their back fat and say, "Oh! Look at you!" I think not. (If you would, you should tape it and put it on You Tube)

I generally don't like people touching me anyway. Hugs from friends and family? Fine. But hugs from strangers? Um, no. Arm around my shoulder? Ack! Die!

In actual pregnant person news, I am 9 weeks today. Since I cancelled my OB appointment with Dr. "Relax" I don't have another appointment until 8/11. This time I am going to a place with midwives, which I've heard are awesome.

OK. It's 7:26 and past my bedtime.
Nighty night.


momofonefornow said...

The YouTube thing cracked me up!

Now, let me back you up. It is extremely inappropriate to touch a belly without an invite! I struggled with IF and I still didn't want people touching my tummy.

One time someone caught me off guard at the wrong moment and I completely snapped. If I hadn't been so pregnant and she hadn't been so fast she would have had a broken wrist. (so not kidding!)

RM said...

I have a fat belly as well, so I've taken to this response to the are-you-pregnant question: "Well, no- but you have a fat a*s... does that mean you need to take a sh*t?"

Ok, I haven't really said it yet, but I really want to!!

Tricia said...

You are hysterical. I imagine it wouldn't be so wrong to touch you when you have a real preggo belly. Hang in there!

Jen said...

Slap their hands away. Then blame the slap on "being startled because I just don't like people touching me." This is my current plan. Of course, I don't have any friends or go to any parties, so no one has tried to touch me yet.

Rebecca said...

Yeah! You are going to see a midwife! Midwives are awesome! One of my midwives had even gone through IVF. I hope you like them. I'm sure doctors are great if you have a high risk pregnancy but believe it or not, midwives can deal with quite a few complications as well.

Tiffanie said...

shudder. i hate people touching me. give them a swift kidney punch next time someone does it.

Christine said...

You are the best.... hehehehe

sarah said...

You need one of these: You touchy, I bitey

Anonymous said...

You seriously give me such a good laugh with each new entry into your blog. Thanks!! I always need one!

I can't even believe you are 9 weeks already! That is so exciting!

Congrats...and keep the laughs coming.

MamaSoon said...

Oh my gosh. that would be so uncomfortable. I get uncomfortable touching my own belly since the IF stuff. What did you say?

PJ said...

I'm not down with the touchy feely thing either!

The midwife thing sounds good! :)

Marie said...

You always make me laugh. No BODY should touch the stomach. I HATED that. I also didn't like stranges touching my baby when he was born.

BrandiH2007 said...

My fat belly makes me look pregnant. I just posted a blog last week about the same thing, but I'm not pregnant. I love the back fat idea though. It's a good come back.

Sarah said...

People.....sometimes, they just need to be slapped! WHO does that?! Just walks up to someone and touches their tummy? Ewwww.
Next time someone reaches for you, pull your lips back, and show your teeth, all the while snarl loudly. You can always blame pregnancy hormones!
If nothing else it will at least be fun to watch the looks of horror.

Murgdan said...

I am quite sure I could NEVER deal with someone touching my belly. Fat or Pregnant. I don't care. Don't touch me. And midwives are awesome.

Mrs. Higrens said...

I've said it before, but you have the best way of expressing these frustrations.

Good luck with the new practice.

Mel said...

Girl, I am so fat, too. I feel like I've gained 10 lbs in the past week and I refuse to step on a scale!
If someone went for my belly, I'd probably flat out tell them to stop caressing my fat and that I don't like chubby chasers. Haha.

seriously? said...

A few things. I am a belly toucher but I always always ask first. I am not sure how I will feel about it. Right now the only one touching my lack of belly is DH since he and you (all) are the only people that know.

I have my first appointment with the midwives on 8/5. The ones I see are also nurse practitioners. They told me the appointment will be 45 minutes so I have hope, I hope yours is similar.

Glad to see I am not the only loser in bed at 7:30 most nights. Tonight I teach until 10:30, we shall see how that goes...

YEY for cupcake! S/He will always have a friend in Bean.

Stacy Woodruff said...

I would so slap their hand away... if they caught me on a good day. On a bad day, and if they caught me by surprise, they would get decked. And I'm being completely serious here. The residual prison guard in me tells me to injure people who touch me unexpectedly. I can deal with family and *close* friends touching me, but only because I have become desensitized (I come from a touchy-feely bunch). But it really is my instinct to injure people who put their hands on me. Hell, strangers that even get in my personal space (3 ft radius)are taking a risk with their lives. And I imagine I will always feel that way, even if I get pregnant, and at 6wks or 36wks. I firmly believe that touching a pregnant belly just because it is there is rude and uncalled for.

JenM said...

Note to self: Keep hands off JenK next time you see her. She might bite.

I had my own personal worst belly violation yesterday. We were out at a restaurant and a friend of DH's leaned over, looked at my belly and said, "No babies yet? What are you waiting for?" I sat there, a little stunned. DH laughed and said he was working on it. I told him later it was a good thing I hadn't been standing up, or he would have asked when I was due. Damn bloat.

alicia said...

that crapy IF weight gain, so annoying. Just think if it as needed extra cushioning for baby. so weird that someone has already touched your belly, people are so weird.

yay 9 weeks!

BB and MTB said...

Umm, did she know you were pregnant? Even so, people need to keep their hands to themselves. Personal space anyone????

Heather said...

I think the pre-pregnancy weight gain is one of the worst parts of infertility treatments. I gained 15 lbs getting pregnant with my daughter. I'm really surprised that I haven't gained too much yet with this IVF cycle. I'm just thinking that it's because I'm only 5 lbs less than my pre-pregnant weight gained self. So in the next two weeks, I can gain that extra 5 right?

Congratulations on being 9 weeks along!

Emily said...

Another great post! I am glad you are going to a midwife - I hear they are kinda touchy/feely though! j/k!

Happy 9 weeks from me and my not pregnant fat belly!

Amy said...

I am right there with you on this one! Just wait until everyone wants to touch your baby!

nicole said...

i started getting belly touches really early too (i'm 18 weeks now). but at least people always had the courtesy to ask. even though i found it a bit odd, i didn't feel it was a big deal and said yes. but an out of no where touch would definitely be crossing a line i think.

and congrats on the 9 weeks pregnant!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your blog(s). I am due on 2/27/2009 after 3 failed IUI's and then one successful IVF. You are so dead on throughout your posts about the experiences, the idiots you encounter everywhere (even your best friends), the weight gain (i haven't been able to close my pants since 1 week post transfer from IVF weight gain) and all the rest. I even just told a friend that I miss the infertility clinic b/c it's so much nicer and more high-tech and hands-on than my regular OB - although my AB isn't a d-bag like yours! I wish I could go back there monthly and visit for high tech scans with sound for the heartbeat (meanwhile I couldn't have wanted anything else when I was going for my daily check-ups during IVF). Keep up the good work and good luck!

sarah said...

You could always say "i had no idea you had a distended intestines fetish." that ought to send them running!

Karol said...

HAHAHA! I love you.
Next time, put your hands in a circular motion all around and remind the icky person about the 'personal bubble'. Seriously. People suck.

hopeful #1 said...

Piss on them and their belly grabbing ways... jerks!