Saturday, May 24, 2008

Possible Reasons Why IVF #1 Failed

There are so many questions with no answers when infertility is involved. I wouldn't be the first one to make the connection between the word if and the message board/blog abbreviation for infertility: IF.

Who says that sometimes an optimistic, gorgeous, prom-queen IVF just fails for no reason? I have many plausible ideas about what happened, and I know for a fact that at least one of these reasons has got to be true. You'll see – they're very rational, well thought out, medically sound. Brilliant.


My Embryos are Rebellious

I think that it's entirely possible that my embryos will have inherited a bad attitude and a problem with authority (from their father, surely). And the embryologist was probably, like, a total drag and was being all, "Stay in that petri dish, inside this drip of fake chemical fallopian tube liquid, and be quiet, and divide every day." Booorrriiinnng. Especially when the lab is directly beside an awesome mall and less than a mile away from The Melting Pot.

My guess is that my embryos, with their loose morals and authority issues, peer pressured a few other sets of embryos to head over to The Melting Pot for copious amounts of cheese and, knowing my embryos, probably a few of their delectable martinis. I mean, it's probably hard to implant when you're an embryo trying to deal with cheese and alcohol when you haven't even had a chance to form a digestive system.

I bet that if a detective ventured over to my infertility clinic and did a thorough inspection? He would find the microscopic holes where my embryos burrowed through the window on the way out to paaaar-tay. (Note to detective: bring microscope.)


My Uterus is an Undercover Badass

So maybe you remember the internal war of the worlds that occurred during and after my transfer. I think my analysis failed to uncover the major nemesis: my goddamned uterus.

See, my goddamned uterus appeared to be quiet and polite. Like one of those shy kids in school, who would be all well behaved during the day, but could be found on Friday night with a crack pipe and an oozie*, having unprotected sex with three under aged girls while flipping the bird. Except a girl. Because I don't think it's proper to make the uterus a boy.

My ovaries and bladder were making all kinds of noise, and hogging up all the space, and my uterus? Snapped. Started throwing 'bows to let my obese ovaries and bloated bladder know that she would not be having any more of this bullshit. So regardless of the embryo quality, there is no way that they could attach to a bow-throwing uterus, all while being hung over. And they were fat from all that cheese!


My Ass is Fat

I was talking to someone who had their IVF at the same time as me, at the same place (Hi Katie!), and she was telling me how the nurse was debating over the size of the needle to give her for the PIO (Progesterone in Oil, incase your Google is broken). The nurse was looking at her butt and trying to decide between a bigger or a smaller, saying she was right on the border.

There was no debating over my ass. I got the long needle, no questions asked, no looking necessary.

But I'm thinking that maybe my ass is so big, that I need some sort of industrial-sized needle to inject my PIO. What, with my fat drunk asshole embryos, and my gang member uterus, I need some serious progesterone to thicken up my uterine lining. And the needle, apparently, needs to be really long to get through the massive amount of fat stored in my ass region. Like, maybe if they make intramuscular needles for use in injecting orca whales? That might be long enough to get through the fortress of fat and into my actual, atrophied ass muscle.



On a more serious note, I am actually doing an IVF cycle right now, and not just cracking jokes about it.

Wednesday I had a progress check and was a little disappointed. My follies aren't growing as fast as last time. I was pretty discouraged. They didn't want to see me back until Saturday, which to me screamed "UNDERACHIEVER!" I had 9 bigger follicles, all around 8 or 9 cm, and Estrogen was 293.

Today I had the follow up, and I felt better. I mean, I probably shouldn't use my failed IVF as the gold standard, right? Why would I judge the progress of this IVF cycle by that one when obviously it wasn't a perfect cycle. It didn't work. Anyway, I had lots of sizeable follicles, all around 12 or 13 cm. Estrogen is 1,214.

I go back on Monday for another check up.


*Apparently the correct spelling is uzi, not oozie. I like oozie better. So shoot me.**

**GET IT? GET IT? Bah ha ha!



Io said...

I'm thinking your embryos were too cool for school. Somehow I think it might be from your side of the family though...
And now I am shuddering to think how long of a needle my ass is going to need.
*Thinking of you and your rebellious eggs.*

Suzanne said...

It is so tough to find the balance through all this IF stuff. I am doing a injectibles/IUI cycle and was an overachiever, but did not want to be. We had the tough decision of going forth with IUI or canceling the cycle. I responded abnormally well on such a low dose of meds. And with my estrogen level at 2000+, it was a very emotional discussion with DH.

One thing I learned through all this is that no cycle is alike.

I'll pray for strength and hope for you during this IVF.

Lost in Space said...


While I'm so sorry your first shot at this didn't work, your descriptions of this stuff make me LOL. You have a gift with words.

Are you doing a different protocol this time? That could make your growth slower. I am expecting this with my next one as it will be Long Lupron vs. Antagonist for #1.

All the best to you this cycle and I hope you get some great #s on Monday.

MamaSoon said...

I am gonna vote for the unlisted option: sh*t happens. It sounds like your little follies are waking up and looking good. Your E2 sure jumped. I think you'll look even better Monday. I hope you can enjoy the long weekend in the meantime. :-D Happy posting and reading!

Stephanie said...

I hope that your Monday appointment goes well! I have had the same dosage of medication and had different results each time. I heard someone say IF is more ART than science (which just made me laugh). Its true. Our bodies are nutso, even more than our brains!

Stacy Woodruff said...

I keep thinking that the reasons I haven't gotten knocked up yet are (a) because I'm not 16 years old, (b)I'm not having sex in my parents' vehicle after prom, and (c) I don't smoke enough crack. Maybe you'll have better luck this time. Just stay away from the Melting Pot. It will help with the ass-fat situation, too. Now I'm off to find my crack pipe and my Mom's car keys.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I see someone let you in on the proper spelling of the word "Uzi," which I only happen to know how to spell since it's my dog's name. Well, it was my husband's dog before we met. A pitbull named Uzi. Apparently he was one of those poser good students with the crackpipe on Saturday night. Hm. Maybe crack isn't so good for sperm? Maybe I should look into that. Maybe I should stop smoking crack, myself, come to think of it.
But it goes so well with my prenatal vitamins.

Anyway, thanks for the comment... I hope this cycle goes well for you. I'll be checking in :)

Steph said...

Good Luck with this cycle! I am also in the middle of an IVF cycle! I found your blog to be hillarious!!!!!

I will keep checking in on your progress!

Keep us posted!

Bec said...

You crack me up :-) Sounds like you are at the stage of IVF as me, just waiting for our follicles to wake up and smell the roses. Hopefully both of our appointments on Monday go well xxx

DC said...

I tend to favor your partying embryos theory. Who could resist wine, cheese, AND martinis?!? ;)

I've been lurking for a few months now and I love your blog. Good luck with your cycle! 9 follicles sounds great!!

I'm new to the blogosphere, so please stop by and say hello if you get a chance.

andrea said...

i for sure think they high-tailed it to the melting pot.. no doubt!

glad you have some good progress so far! fingers crossed...

the Babychaser: said...

I am SO FREAKIN GLAD my embryos aren't in the same clinic (or drawer? how do you think they store them?) as yours. Bad fucking influence, and that is NOT what I need.

I've always espoused the bad-boy uterus syndrome, but never thought about the trouble my embys could be getting into while I'm not looking. And consider this--mine are stored in downtown DC! No malls and martinis around, but plenty of crack and hos. Maybe a little horse? And PCP appears to be on the rise in DC (or maybe it never left). And it's damn unfair that they get to par-tay when I can't even have a goddamn beer. Grrr...

Of course, once they're frozen they might have a harder time getting out to party. J was worried that if they put frozen embryos inside me it might make me frigid. Worth thinking about.

Fert Fighter said...

"my fat drunk asshole embryos, and my gang member uterus" Im sitting here laughing my ass off and my husband is like WTF are you doing over there? You are hysterical!

Good luck with your appy tomorrow!!

theclam said...

I am so sorry that shot # 1 did not work, but I must admit that I always kinda liked the rebellious types... Thinking of you!!!


Emily (Apron Strings) said...

LOL! Thanks for the great laugh today. I'd like to think it's a combination of the three ... Although I do like the fact that you were given the larger of the needles. Just lets you know that you're trying to put them embryos and your uterus in place!!

Also, thanks for the kind words on my blog. I have to tell ya, just by reading your posts get me laughing through the day. So thanks for those posts too!!

Carrie said...

dude tell your follies to quit smoking Camel Lights behind the schoolyard dumpster, and GET WITH THE PROGRAM. ;-) Maybe you can get them to go to rehab with Amy Winehoue. Here's hoping IVF #2 is a success!

InfertileMadWoman said...

Girl you are freaking hysterical!!!!! Hang in there!!!

Came over from NaComLeavMo

Pepper said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog, which reminded me that today is the first day of NaComLeavMo. It looks like the stern talking to that you gave your rebellious ovaries did the trick. See? They really are good kids after all. :o)

I was going to go check the size of my PIO needles, but I don't need to see them to know that my ass is large. I blame it on the fertility meds.

MamaSoon said...

Hey! Nice new banner. Love it!

shawna said...

Damn, nobody told me that if I would lose weight, I would get a shorter needle. That just might have been the encouragement that I needed.

sarah23 said...

I'm gonna make another obnoxious correction. I sure as hell hope your follicles aren't 8-9 *cm* each (mm!)...otherwise I think you're gonna need some new pants sometime very soon!!

I think my pharmacy just bagged up the PIO needles without me even being there, so I'm thinking that maybe the nurses in my clinic told them the size needed. I have no doubt that I'm in the "long needle" camp. I think they're 1.5 inches. I carry some junk in my trunk, ya know...

calliope said...

guys don't make passes at girls with no asses...just saying.
This cracked me UP!
It is Monday & i am thinking of you RIGHT NOW and hoping for a rock star check up.

Stephanie Klein said...

Thanks for writing this.

Too bad I'm not doing book tour in Cleveland. I think we'd be friends.


hopeful #1 said...

If it weren't for fat asses then they would've never mad a song about us... "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

poppy.f.seed said...

too funny- I agree, comparisons don't help(though we all do them)
good luck today!

Anonymous said...

This post cracked my s%#t up! My day 3 transfer was Thursday - just waiting to find out what's going on in my guts. I must say I'm not super encouraged, even though our embryos were perfect, and this is our first IVF. We're also dealing with morphology/motility issues, so I feel ya, sister. I'll be checking in with you and wishing for the best in your upcoming cycle!

Jeremy said...

Thank you so much for this post. I needed this.

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