Sunday, May 4, 2008

List of the Mistakes I Made Today.

#1: I woke up.

Clearly, this was a mistake. I should have stayed in bed, put the covers over my head, and maybe taken a couple of my leftover Percocet from the laparoscopic surgery I had in October. Because the Percocet high? Would've easily been the highlight of my day.


#2: I popped a zit.

Because really, who doesn't love to pop a zit? It's satisfying – admit it.

I've had a gremlin growing under my skin all week – it was an invisible bump, it was itchy, it hurt like a bitch. It did not, however, have a big white head until today. Apparently. I am not sure. Because today was when Mark said, "Oh, you got a popper there." So who knows? Maybe it had a big head yesterday and neither of us noticed, because I've been quite the adolescent boy in the face department lately.

After I finished feeling incredibly vixenish and supremely sexy, I went to pop it.


Now have giant red mark and scab! Am disgusting and look diseased!


#3: Went to Panera. At Noon. On a Sunday.

Any normal person knows better. But I was wild and crazy last night, and stayed up until 11:30 (the time of night when only hookers and thieves are awake). And then I slept in until 8:30. Which was stupid, because I have finals on Monday and Tuesday and have managed yet again to put off studying until the day before, and needed to be at Panera at 7 when they opened. Instead, I got there at noon, after I dicked around on the Internet for a few hours.

The problem with getting anywhere at noon on Sunday is the church crowd. Church people always go to lunch afterward, and apparently Panera is THE SPOT for post-church lunch. I would not know, because I don't go to church. Which is why we don't have kids – god hates us.

I had the pleasure of sitting beside three church people. An older couple, who I assume were a pastor (or whatever term you like) and his wife, and a younger guy who was interviewing for a position at their church. While I was trying my best to learn about auditing, all I could hear was this interview, and it was DRIVING ME CRAZY. The entire interview reminded me of what I imagine could be an interview for a marketing position: how will you lure people to follow the word? What music will you choose to keep people coming to service? How do you feel about discussing issues like * gasp * divorce and premarital sex, and pornography? How will you effectively manipulate the feeble minds of the masses?

And then they were making fun of the way people dressed. Because apparently, is bad to worship the lord in flip flops. Just stay home, for Christ's sake, if you are going to wear flip flops to worship.

#4: Was not specific enough about the quantity of beverage I need.

OR: Panera – it's no Saks.

After being there for about two hours, I was hungry and thirsty, so I decided to transition from loiterer to bona-fide customer and purchase a cup of broccoli cheddar soup and a beverage.

The typical, annoyed high school girl waited on me, and was sufficiently annoyed with my very existence and my sheer will to ruin her life by ordering food. At the restaurant where she comes to get paid to hang out. She gave me my total, and I didn't really pay attention to what she said and just handed over the debit card. But then, I looked up at the register screen and noticed my total: $23.98.

$23.98…for a cup of soup and a pop.

So I say, "Why is my total so much."

And she shoves my receipt in my face and says, "check your receipt." Translation: shut up and pay, you cheap asshole.

Now, I'm no accountant or anything. I don't work for NASA. And I'm no economist. I'm not a doctor. I don't belong to MENSA. So you'll forgive me for being smug when I ask why I am paying $23 for a cup of fucking soup and a drink. I mean, this girl is clearly from the well-to-do town where Panera is located, so she must routinely eat soup made of goddamned gold and unicorn piss, right?

And I have to point out to annoyed teenager that, while I am annoying, SHE CHARGED ME FOR 14 POPS! 14 sodas, if you prefer.

So I say, "Well, you charged me for 14 pops." And I offer the receipt as proof, since I am a lowlife and am probably lying and should just pay $23 and get out of her life forever, right?

Was she sorry, you ask? Did she apologize?


She yanked the receipt out of my hand and walked to the back. A few seconds later, she's saying "She paid for 14 pops but only wanted one, I guess."

Stop the presses. Slow the bus down. Shut the fuck up.

This girl has the balls to act like this is my fault? Like it was perfectly plausible that I, alone in this Panera Bread, would order 14 carbonated beverage cups? All for my little self?

I laughed. Out loud. It wasn't really an I'm-a-jerk-and-am-pissed laugh. It was more of an I'm-nice-it's-no-biggie laugh.

The manager, who must have been a year older than the annoyed teenager and who was not finding my humor in the situation, comes out to the counter and says, "Give me your card." No: sorry, no let me credit you for the 13 extra pops, no: I'm sorry that I'm dissatisfied with my life but I will still be nice to you.

He credited my card and walked away, and annoyed teenager handed me my card and new receipt, saying "Here."

    And I said, thank you so much for being so very helpful. Because that's how you talk to assholes, right?

#5: Am not smart enough to use a bathroom stall lock.

After drinking my 14 pops, I had to pee. Natch.

So I go to the restroom and hover, like normal, because do you think that dissatisfied manager makes annoyed teenager clean the bathroom? I don't think so, either, so I don't sit on the seat because hell. I already have infertility, I don't want to catch poor, or ugly, or fat from the toilet seat. I already caught infertility that one time I sat on the toilet at a turnpike McDonalds.

About half way through a perfectly satisfying pee, the stall door flies open! AHHHHHHHH!

And who else is there, but the pastor's wife, who makes fun of people who wear flip flops when praising Jesus. Of course. The look of shock (and maybe terror) on her face was priceless. It almost made me wish that I had my iPhone at the ready while hovering just in case this very situation came up. (Maybe next time)

So I guess I didn't push the latch over all the way, and of course I had to spend the remainder of my studying time sitting by the lady who saw my cooter, because I am a high-hoverer.

It was awesome.


Io said...

I am sorry that you made these mistakes but SO HAPPY that you blogged about them. Hi-freaking-larious!

PJ said...

That same little b-otch works at my Panara too.

Go figure. :P

Sarah said...

This entry has de-lurked me. You are such a great writer, I love checking in on your blog (and your Redbook stuff too!). Thanks!

Denise said...

You crack me up. So glad I recently discovered you from Redbook.

I wonder if I'm infertile because I was said annoyed teenager years ago and probably acted just the like the Panera girl. Except I was the annoyed teenager at the dry cleaners asking customers why they didn't want to pay for 14 shirts when they had only brought in 1 to be cleaned.

Lost in Space said...

OMG, Jen, this so made me LOL. Sorry that this was your day, but it made for a great post.

Ahuva Batya said...

OH, Jen. I'm not supposed to laugh at others' pain, right? But this post was so classic. I hope tomorrow is supremely better. How can it not be?

K said...

C'mon, who hasn't seen your cooter at this point? :)

Hilarious post.

Bev said...

I have got to say, this entry made me laugh so hard that my husband, downstairs, had to yell up "
What the hell are you laughing at so hard up there all by youself, crazy?!" To freaking funny!!!!!

Cat said...

You're so funny- I love reading your blogs! You really crack me up :)

Mrs. Higrens said...

Damn. This made it worth it to get up this morning.

Good luck with those finals!

andrea said...

why do all the church people go to panera to have their meetings? last time i was there studying i had a strangely similar experience and all i could do was listen to them and pretend to study....

crazy sunday for you jen - hope monday is better!

JJ said...

Oh my goodness--hope that waking up today made up for yesterday!

NEO Jill said...

I feel so bad... but I'm laghing SOO HARD right now! I wish you could have taken a picture of the bathroom scene (censored, of course) because it would have been the FUNNIEST THING EVER

Emily said...

Oh Jen-you high-hoverer you! Too freakin funny! god hates us - I love it.
I smile every time you say "pop" - it is so my childhood in Buffalo :)
GL with finals!!

Marie said...

I am laughing so hard no I have to pee!

Meeshy said...

OMG, I love it! Your blog makes this infertility sh-t a little bit easier to deal with. Now all you need is your own talk show.

Jessica said...

You make me smile- and you have severely impacted my productivity at work--thanks for that

Annegirrl said...

I'm dying here! Laughing is going to kill me right after I'm done crying from laughing.

casicola said...

You wish you had your iphone ready for the horror face? I wish you had your iphone to take a picture of my face laughing so hard at this post...and I had a yucky thanks for the laugh...ur da best.


Anonymous said...

Another de-lurker coming out, I have to say u are a hoot. You really should have your own radio talk show, or at least be in radio with all your one-liners. As a new person to infertilty i thank you very much for the laughs. U just make it all seem a little bit easier to deal with on a daily basis.

sarah said...

I love that you 'paid for 14 pops, but only want one, I guess.' Yeesh. The youth these days....

NurseMai1982 said...

I basically LOVE your blogging. You have the same sarcastic sense of humor as me and it is fantastic!

Tiffanie said...

next time you're thinking of hittin' perc's let me know! i was taking thm like candy on sunday for a migraine. we can get "high," have one of our husbands drive us around and make fun of people!

jill said...

I just happened on your blog, I was actually looking for the origin of a quote, but I'm glad I ended up here. So sorry for what you are going through! I am also unable to have babies, although it's not me that is infertile, it's my husband, and even IVF is not possible for us so we have since adopted. Anyway, love reading your stories, and will continue reading in the future. Thanks for sharing!

Gretchen said...

Jen that is freakin' hilarious!!! Sorry about your day but at least it sounded entertaining! I had a similiar bathroom experience lately.. apparently that lock wanst working either! LOL... but have to agree at this point who hasnt seen our cooters! that area is def not private anymore! haha I miss you girl!!

sarcasticjen said...

So sorry about your day but thank you for making mine. It's been a while since I've laughed out loud like that!

Alison said...

LOL! I love you calling the soda "pop". You can laugh when I call pop "soda", ok?

jmg said...

I'm curious. Could that broccoli soup be "The BEST soup you ever ate?" Or possibly, "The best soup you EVER ate?"

Also, I am guilty of weating the jeans and flip flops to worship Jesus on Sunday morning. (Every Sunday to be exact) Sometimes I even throw in a pony tail and no makeup. I'm glad I don't go to her church.

Emily said...

LMAO!! Thanks for the best laugh of the morning. Yes, I know I'm a day late (in this case THREE) and a dollar short ... but I absolutely LOVE this post! Especially since it's almost like a Catholic going to confession. Too bad Pastor Wife wasn't able to absolve you of your "mistakes"!

Esther said...


As a church-going Christian myself, I just wanted to apologize on behalf of all those unfortunate examples who can't seem to exist without offending or judging people. We're not all like that :)
And: You're not struggling to conceive because God hates you (he doesn't) ... because obviously, I have no better luck than you.

Thanks for a hilarious post!