Dearest Baskin Robbins,
Today I see that you are honoring the bump babes. The ladies with big bellies. The expectant mommies.
How very nice of you.
Please excuse me if I am way off base here, but I suppose you are trying to target the hormonal and hungry? Am I right? Did a bunch of people meet in a room one day for a brainstorm session to bring traffic into your stores? And someone had the brilliant idea to plaster that adorable cartoon pregnant lady all over the Internets in the hope that the pregnant ladies would see it and think, "OH MY GOD MY BABY NEEDS BASKIN ROBBINS NOW! NOW! NOW!" And then maybe once she has your ice cream for free, she will continue to have cravings and spend $3 a day on delectable globs of your new soft serve?
Well, I'm no marketing mogul or anything like that. I didn't go to Harvard, but to a state school, and everyone knows that state schools will take most anyone with a pulse and cold hard cash, right? I have a business degree but if we're being honest with each other, Baskin Robbins, I don't know all that much about mass marketing.
If you're targeting the hormonal and hungry? You are missing a HUGE section of the "Hormonal and Hungry" market. The Infertiles. We are the perfect target market for your sales schemery – we're not only hormonal and hungry – we're neurotic and emotional! Emotional EATERS! See where I'm going with this?
I'm not really sure how you would verify the whole infertile part. I mean, you could ask to see our horns and tails, or maybe require us to inject our meds at the counter before we get our free soft serve. Or maybe you could just tell by the smell of desperation when we walk in the door? I don't know, you can work out the details.
I look forward to Infertility Tuesday really soon. In the interim, I will be getting my ice cream from Dairy Queen, Coldstone, or from the freezer aisle at the grocery store. Or maybe I'll eat cookies. You can never tell. I'm unpredictable like that.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. And if you'd like to pay me for this fantastic idea? I wouldn't object.
p.s. – I do have some ideas for the Infertility Tuesday Free Soft Serve campaign. Have your people call my people.
p.p.s – I don't have people. Call me directly.
p.p.p.s. – I have lots of other ideas. Preview: Menopausal Monday. (Call me.)