Saturday, May 31, 2008

Cluck, Cluck, MOO!

Hot damn I'm behind on the whole blogging thing! My most sincere apologies. You see, I haven't really mastered the art of blogging while I sleep 23 hours a day. It's hard, because everything comes out like this:


I had my retrieval and already have had two fertilization reports! AND I do my transfer tomorrow! So get a beverage and a snack, this is going to be long.

First: The Retrieval

This? Is Xena Warrior Princess. She looks like the doctor who did my retrieval. I shall call her OLGA.

OLGA came in to introduce herself, and the only thing I understood through the thick, thick Arnold Schwarzeneggeresque accent was "I Dr. OLGA. I retrieve zee eggs."

So after much smiling and nodding and not understanding, I headed back to the retrieval room. This is an interesting experience, because you are put on a table with your arms straight out to the side like you're gearing up for a crucifiction. But for added pleasure, your legs are also strapped on to giant padded leg stirrups and your vagina is out there for the entire room of 10 to see. I'd like to think that's OK because I have a really nice vagina.

At my IVF #1 retrieval, I went into the room and was knocked out as soon as I was situated. I don't remember much, except saying that I couldn't focus because I didn't realize that they had started the IV. Then I woke up to Mark and my mom in the recovery room.

This time? Well. I was awake for a long, long time. Which means I was awake after Dr. OLGA said, "Now, I clean zee vaginal cavity."

If anyone thinks that cleaning zee vaginal cavity sounds a little bit like, oh I don't know, HELL? You'd be right.

OLGA takes a long, metal skewer (probably from her grilling kit at home) and attaches gauze soaked in cleanser. I need to ask you a question right now: have you ever seen a liposuction video? Where they jam that sucker thing in and out of the person's flesh and you're all "OW that looks really rough and horrible!" Have you ever seen that?

That is how OLGA cleans zee vaginal cavity. With 4 long skewers and sterile gauze, jammed in and out of zee vaginal cavity while she talked about the details of her son's graduation. It wasn't zee Xena Warrior Princess sword, but it felt like it!

I was so annoyed. By the time she took out the 4th skewer, I was yelling, "OH MY GOD CAN I JUST BE KNOCKED OUT FOR THIS?!!" OLGA's reply? "Iz almost finish." Of course, two seconds later, I was knocked out. Damn.

The end result was awesome: 21 eggs retrieved!!
Jennepper = Best Hen EVER!
So somewhat worth the pain of zee vaginal cleansing. And now my vagina is so clean you could eat out of it! You know, if you ever felt compelled to do so.

So maybe the Duggars have 18 kids, but I had 21 eggs! So suck it, Mrs. Fertile Duggar! (And if the Duggars cousin is reading? The one who left me a comment? I'm freaking kidding so take a joke. Damn.)

Next: 1st Fertilization Report

On Friday, I got the news that out of the 21 eggs retrieved, 17 of them were mature and 16 of them fertilized. This is great news!

For my first IVF, I had 13 eggs retrieved, and 11 that were mature and fertilized. So this time we're starting out with a lot more embryos to choose from.

What they do is just put them back into the fake uterus incubator thingamajigger until the next day.

Finally: The Second Fertilization Report

I found out that of the 16 that fertilized, 12 are on track at between 2 and 4 cell. Three more aren't quite there yet, but are looking hopeful and are still being monitored. They may or may not catch up, but I'm still thrilled with 12!

Transfer will be tomorrow (Sunday).

Right now, I'm feeling really sore and totally bloated. I look 4 months pregnant. People are going to start asking questions. I look and feel like a total cow.
I completely expect to grow udders any day now.
At least we'd save on milk...


Jill said...

Jen-It sounds like you had a much better ER and better fertilzation this time. That's great!!

LMAO about the milk and udders. All IVFers feel that way! The bloat will go down...

Good luck on a great ET tomorrow! Sounds like there will be lots of embies to choose from! Yay!

PJ said...

First, YAY!!! Your ovaries are totally not the slackers mine are! We should hang out. Maybe they will be a good influence?

Also, I just read the Dugger's cousin's comment! LMAO!!! AHhahaa! Jen, stop bein' judgemental and all when you don't even know someone. Geeezzz! Go on over to their house and hang out so that you can properly judge them as the bunnies they are.


Denise said...

Congrats on a great retrieval and fert reports! Good luck tomorrow. Hopefully you'll get someone different from OLGA who will be more gentle with your transfer.

Io said...

Kick ASS!
I must say though, your description of OLGA sure can make a girl think again about adoption...

Katie said...

I so badly want to comment about your girl crush on Amy Poehler and your writing in paragraph 12, sentence 4, but I think that might be too raunchy for even the morally casual.

A Duggar cousin commented? You are so famous.

Best of luck tomorrow!!!!!!

Kim said...

Great ER and report! Good Luck tomorrow!

Sully said...

Awesome news! Best of luck tomorrow!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

21 eggs? Wow. Fab news, really pleased for you. The little chosen guys had better get ready to hang on tight!

seriously? said...

Good luck tomorrow. That is awesome about all the eggs. You really are a great Hen.

peesticksandstones said...

Hot damn, that's awesome! Congrats.

That vaginal "swabbing" business is the very last thing I remembered before being knocked out. For me, the transfer is even stranger, vadge-on-parade-wise. My clinic has like this spotlight shining on you as you're all spread-open on the table for 10 minutes before the lab's loading dock, with people all walking by and saying "hi!"

Best of luck tomorrow! Looking forward to having another member in my crazy 2ww club over here.

Tricia said...

Jen, Good Luck with your transfer tomorrow. I pray this is for you. I don't know much about IVF yet, but it sounds good to me!!

And your post really brighten my day and crack me up.

pamela.ilovemcdreamy said...

Ok, another post to make my eyes hurt, just hearing you mention Olga's grilling kit.

I want everything to work well for you tomorrow. It's Sunday today for us and I'll be going to church later. I'll light a candle for you and have you in my thoughts.

Infertile Whore.

Emily said...

Sounds like a great ER - minus Dr. Xena stabbing your vag with her grill tools. Apparently, when they were swabbing me down I was on my out of this world and I uttered the phrase, "Ahhhh, cool and refresing!!" I am a sick individual I know:) Great post! GL at ET!

Stephanie said...

WOW! You are quite the over-acheiver there aren't cha!

Good luck tomorrow!

PS-Thanks for the warning, and I would never think of you as a know-it-all. Completely judgemental, maybe, but definately not a know-it-all! LMAO!

Blue said...

Yikes - the cleaning sounds torturous! Surely they could have put you out...that's just mean!
Great stats though on the retrieval - good luck with the transfer, I have everything crossed for you!

Pepper said...

Twenty-one?! Your girls are rock stars!

I had to go lookup that comment from the Duggars' cousin. Um, heh heh ... weird.

~Jess said...

My girlie bits just hurt thinking about Olga: Oy!

I'm glad that you retrieval and ferts are so good!

Good Luck!

JJ said...

Way to go, Miss Hen! Wishing you the BEST!

Jill said...

OUCH!!!!!! Great report, though! Good luck tomorrow! I hope those suckers decide to stick this time ;) I'll be thinking of you!!

Suzanne said...

Way to go you overachiever! Good luck tomorrow. Join me in the 2ww!

Chris said...

Wishing you the best with your transfer and the ensuing wait. I'll be sure to check back to see how you are doing!

poppy.f.seed said...

Olga- funny!
Olga's work (OW)makes me understand why I was sore for 3 days!

Sounds like you have a lot to choose from, fantastic news. Good luck today!!!!!

Lorrie said...

Best of luck today!! Your numbers are incredible!

ps Going to look up that Duggars comment now... you've got me so curious!

Panamahat said...

Here from NCLM. Can I just say - OUCH! But great news on 12 embies growing well so far. Wishing you all the best for transfer and then the two pink lines.

Lost in Space said...

Nice job "Hen"nepper!! My eggs and yours should hang out a bit to give my girls a clue as to what they should be doing.

Yup,zee vaginal cleaning is not fun. My RE said "slight discomfort", but would have been kicked in the head if I weren't strapped down. I feel your pain.

I hope your transfer goes beautifully today.

JamieD said...

I am sorry you had to experience that, but it made a great story!! Hysterical!!

21 eggies?!?! Woo-hoo!!

Jendeis said...

OMG, I am dying of laughter from you. You are a great hen. Hopefully everything continues to look as beautiful as a clean vagina.

Wendy said...

Olga sounds like a real gem! I'm so happy for you that you got so many eggs and that today is your ET day! I can't wait to read how it went. Good luck!!!!

andrea said...

hope your transfer went well today.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

No offense, but no matter how clean your vagina is, I won't be eating off of it. Unless of course Conceive Magazine does an article about how eating things from a clean vagina can get your pregnant. Then I'll be there in a NY minute.

So someone related to the Duggars doesn't have a sense of humor?? How is that possible?

Tiffanie said...

wow - olga sounds absolutely delightful! good luck today (sunday).

Suzanne said...

That is great news!

I have my retrieval in about 10 days - can hardly wait to see which super hero I get! :)

Shila said...

I am so exited for over achiever! I can't wait to hear how transfer went!

P.S.- Thanks for the Olga story! It made me laugh so hard I probably lost 5 pounds! However, I am sorry it sucked! They cleaned my vagina with the cotton swab stuff and the long metal stakes when they did my HSG test.

BB and MTB said...

Woo Hoo for great reports!!! Happy to read that the results were so good!

Bean said...

Ugh! So sorry to hear about your experience with Olga (but it did make me laugh!), but sooo glad to hear about such a great result! I hope your transfer went well. Best wishes for a speedy 2WW and great news at the end!!!

MamaSoon said...

I hope your transfer went well today and that you are enjoying having your embabies back with you.

You are now officially PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)

Amber said...

two words: high. larious.

and two more: good luck!

Heather Johnson said...

dropping by for NaComLeavMo - hi! :)

I'm thrilled to hear that things are going well for you! And the whole Dr. Olga cleaning the vaginal cavity was hysterical! Been there, done that = NOT FUN! But funny to read about nonetheless. LOL