Friday, February 29, 2008

Hey, it's cheaper than therapy.

I used to post on a super secret bitching blog. That blog was really different from this one because I posted some really emotional crap there, and I didn't tell anyone I was doing it. (Except one person, but she swore not to spill the beans and I don't think she ever did.)

When we started going to the RE a lot, I decided that I would make a new, public blog that I would use to update friends and family on the progress of our fertility treatments. However, it turns out that my friends and family don't read blogs! I think most of them don't really know what blog is or don't really "get" the concept.
For example:

Friend or Family So, what's going on with your fertility treatments? Any news on the baby front?

Me: Have you read the blog? I've posted tons of updates there.

F or F: Oh, I forgot about that blog-thingy. What is that address again? So, what? You just go there and write stuff? What's the Internet, now?

Me: * sigh * Forget it.

I've been trying to formulate a delicate way to tell people that I am just really sick of discussing our progress, because honestly? I'm so tired of my own complaints, negativit-ay, and having to explain things over and over and over. And over.

It is a hard thing to address with people, because let's face it: I do talk about it a lot. It is THE thing going on in my life right now. It consumes me. My thoughts and my plans and my entire life revolve around making a baby right now. And a lot of times, I need to vent and I have trouble doing that with some of the people in my life because they don't understand and don't know what to say, and usually they say or do the complete wrong thing (on accident) and end up upsetting me more. (And maybe they're sick of my run-on sentences! GAWD put a period in there somewhere, bitch!) Sometimes I don't want to talk about the specifics - especially when I've told you and you've forgotten!

The people in my life do care about what's going on, I think. For the most part. Some of the don't, and I couldn't care less about them either, so it works out. I do get tired of updating people over and over, and having to tell them the same things because they don't even remember what I've told them. It's like I never said it at all. It's like they are only asking to ask, because it would seem rude not to ask. Nobody ever just asks me how I'm doing (mostly shitty), or if I'm OK (not really), or if I've killed anyone and hid them under my bed (I haven't).

I get that IVF and all of infertility is confusing. I'm confused sometimes! It's a lot to remember and it's a lot to absorb, and I've had two years of research and learning to get it all straight. I've earned my Google M.D. I know that my FSH level, or my cycle day, or the number of days I have to take Lupron are all things that will not stick in the minds of people who have no idea what any of those things mean. I don't expect that. But I do get so discouraged when people, especially those people very close to me, don't take time to really listen to what I'm going through and keep track a little bit!

After all, I've kept track of pregnancy milestones, due dates, shower dates, birthdays, birthday parties, get-togethers, work-related news, vacations, etc. for the past two years. Even when they didn't even remotely apply to my life.

I saw a funny retro picture of a little girl praying, and above her head there is a bubble that says, "So where's my fucking pony?" And I can't help but feel like that! Because I've put myself out there for people, and done things for people, and now that my road is pretty rocky, I'm stuck here going it alone.

Do I hate that I feel like that? Yep, it's so lame, and pretty damn selfish. But it's how I feel. I could deny it, but why?

It's not one thing, person, incident, or time that has upset or offended me. It's two years of built up frustration. Basically, it's my problem, but this is my blog-thingy, and it's my outlet.


PJ said...

That's what sucks. This IS my project. I hate to obsess, but when you are spending all of this money, time, energy -- it's hard not to. Oh, just don't think about it--my husband says. Easy for you to say when you don't have to take shots or undergo the dildo-cam!

My mother-in-law, "What's wrong with the swimmers? They are confused? What's a follicle?

She had TWO children!!! LOL!

I feel your pain.

liina said...

I totally know what you mean. I find strangers comforting me, encouraging me, sharing jokes with me... and my 'best friend', who lives in another country, telling me she has no time to read my blog...

Katie said...

I hear you... the flip side is also my issue-- I have told no one about IVF. A few nights ago a very good, pregnant friend said to me, "You know we weren't even trying, and it happened. I mean, getting pregnant that fast is just no FUN!" My heart sank. She obviously has no idea about our issues. I wish I lived in her world-- at this point we would have TONS of FUN! Support is tough to come by in the TTC world... we are here for you, though!!!!

Mrs. Higrens said...

With DH's younger cousin's wife getting pregnant with twins like a month after going off contraceptives, we've made the decision to not say anything to family / friends until after the RE appt. I just don't think I could stand the comparisons. I'm still not looking forward to the inevitable questions and advice.

Thank goodness for the internets where we can let it hang out!

Jill said...

I get it. I really do.

Sara Parr said...

Best. post. ever.

adrianne72 said...

(((HUGS))) I so get it. That's why I started my blog. I try to be funny most of the time, but it's just to mask how I really feel which is mostly shitty like you.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.