Saturday, October 13, 2007

Did you seriously just say that?

What NOT to say to someone who is trying to get pregnant.
These are all things that people have said to me. For realsies.

"Just Relax."
Thanks for that gem! So useful and helpful to my situation.
I'll tell you this: the first 6 months, I was SO relaxed. I was Al Bundy, hands down my pants while sippin a brewsky and watching TV, relaxed. Guess what? That didn't make me pregnant! I know, hard to believe, right?!

"Just get really drunk, then do it!"

You're probably right! I bet alcohol really kicks the old reproductive plumbing into gear! I bet all the infertility drug companies are marketing Absolut in pill form as Clomid and charging all us dumbass infertiles triple. Fucking geniuses!

Just because someone you know, or a friend of a friend of a sister's brother in law got pregnant at a massive kegger, doesn't mean that it was the alcohol. It was the fact that she forgot to take her pill and didn't make the guy wear a condom. I know it sounds really OUT THERE, but trust me.

"Just Adopt! As soon as you do, you'll get pregnant!"
Wha wha what?? I really don't see the relation between making the decision to adopt and getting pregnant. If you're thinking it would make me relax, you're wrong (and also, relaxation does not a baby make. See above).
"Try *this* position!"
Really? I've tried top, bottom, top then bottom, bottom then top, froggy style, doggy style, wheel-barrow, reverse cowgirl, from the side, and in the ear. I've been screwed 7ways to Sunday until the cows came home, put on their pajamas and watched Leno. None of them have worked so far, but I bet THAT position will do it!

"Stand on your head after sex."
Hey, I'll try that! I'll also make sure to kick you in the face, after I recover from my very serious
neck injury and my chiropractor says I can kick people in the face again.

"Go on vacation!"
You could be correct. First, I will try relaxing. If that doesn't work, I will spend a ton of money on a vacation. It must be the magical combination of sand crotch and semen and friction. It doesn't even matter when you go - I've heard that you automatically ovulate every day at noon in Cancun. Siesta my ass! They're all making babies!

"Put eggwhites in your vagina"
You're gross. Don't talk to me ever again. Ever. Also, don't ever plan on getting pregnant, because your husband will permenantly lose the ability to create an erection after you suggest this.
"Have more sex!"

Really? Sex makes babies? I TOTALLY wasted that $5000 deposit at I better get a refund! I wonder if they are a BBB member??

"Have fun trying!"

Ok, even I know this is innocent. I know people say this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to be positive. But it's obnoxious. If you say this, stop immediately.

"I wish I could give you some of my fertility, because I. Am. Fertile!"

This could be best shown by example, I think.

What? You lost both of your legs in a tragic sledding accident? Wow! I wish I could share my legs with you, because I have TWO and I am so lazy. I hate walking around. I would sit all the time if I could, but I just have so damn many legs!

*do you see what I did there? rubbed my legs in your stump-ass face?*
Please do not rub your fertility in my face. I think you're an asshole, and I keep that to myself. Also, I think your ass looks fat in those pants, yet I refrain. Please: return the favor.

"When are you going to start a family?"
AKA: When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get pregnant already? Have you started trying for a baby? Why not? Tick tock!
Oh my sweet baby jesus christ! If there was an Emmy for nosiest motherfucker, you would win! Ask once, and if you don't get an answer, then TAKE A HINT!

Here's the bottom line: The only right thing to say is "I'm sorry, that really sucks. I hope it happens for you soon." It also doesn't hurt to just listen.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this - it made me laugh in a time of frustration. Perhaps I'll make my way down to Cancun and have sex at lunch on my head, that should do the trick!!! Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

i thought that was brilliantly written. it's unbelievable how ridiculous some suggestions can be.. and how stupid the people who give them are. the best of luck to you

Marie said...

I know this post is old but I am reading and laughing and crying(because of laughing). I just heard about the egg white thing and actually put a post up today. lol I don't think so!!!

mommiewannabe said...

I know, right!!!

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud, and tried not to split my stiches from my laparoscopy! The first time ive laughed in weeks. Thanks. said...

I love you, you said what I am always thinking. I saw that you are actually preg, awesome!! I am waiting for #2, it sucks ass. Best of luck with your parenting. Thank you so much for blogging, helps me feel less abnormal!

Michelle said...

I know this is very old, but I found your blog and I feel like you are my light in the dark. Reading your blogs helps me to feel normal and also gives me hope. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy and thank you for all you have written, it is truly an inspiration! God Bless!

kirsten said...

i'm infertile. have been "trying" for 5 years. have adopted. 3 kids. a sibling group in fact. you'd think that would for sure get me pregnant, right?

a friend shared this post with me and i keep reading it because i can't stop laughing. it's all so perfectly said. thank you for sharing it. and congratulations on your little one. she's just precious.

Janae said...

I found your blog today...I know this post is an older one but I just had to comment! RIGHT ON!!! Will people ever get it?
Congratulations on the baby! Oh so sweet!

Anonymous said...

I love this entry. Especially "when are you going to start a family??"

My current "favorite" is secretly TTC and having people shout "you're pregnant!" if you ever mention anything ever ever ever about being nauseous, tired, dizzy... ANYTHING. Um, no a-hole. I would know that. I wouldn't tell you I was tired. I would tell you I was pregnant.

Anonymous said...

I've just discovered your blog and this post is my favourite so far; I've really enjoyed reading all of it. I'm starting IVF soon, and am doing a part time masters and a full time job; your blog really cheers me up and makes me feel more positive about the whole IVF thing.

infertie said...

Ha. I found your blog after Googling various combinations of TTC rage accidental pregnancy and hate.

The sledding accident is exactly right! My co-worker is having her second accidental child (the middle one was on purpose). She knows full well that I've just had surgery and taken Clomid, which made me too depressed to get out of bed for three days, because I'm just that infertile.

But she went on and on about how terribly accidentally fertile she is. She shushed, though, when we got around to my days on birth control pills and how I switched to condoms because it was so easy to forget a pill.

I'm not surprised she got quiet. I doubt she's even talked to her boyfriend about that touchy topic. I doubt women with multiple "accidental" pregnancies have.

Thanks for the bitterness-fighting lolz, and congratulations on your baby-making success. Good to know snark won't kill embryos.

emily said...

ow. my face hurts from laughing through this. how have my google searches never delivered your blog to me!? you have a new devoted follower...

Bethers said...

Laughing my ass off - I have been journaling a lot (TTC for 2 1/2 years and just did our first IUI this month - in 2ww wait right now), and I am going to post your blog post into my journal so I can look back at it and laugh my ass off on my down in the dumps days. Thanks for posting and congrats on your little one!

Jessie Belle said...

Just found your blog; been ttc for two years; waiting for first appointment with a specialist now. Just found out my best friends are pregnant. The husband, who knows about my IF said, "I can't believe it only took us two months!" Stump-ass face! Thanks for the laughs:).

Jenn said...


Tanya Dunagan said...

I ♥♥♥♥ this blog ! Hey, I relaxed and laughed a little, maybe I'll get pregnant ! Wish more people would read this and understand !!!

Keya said...

I just nominated this post from your blog for babble's "best of blogs". It was hard to pick one post, but I decided to go with this one. I am a huge fan of your blog. You are beyond amazing Jen!

Kate Martin said...

Hi, I have a Friend, who is in the same situation like you used to be. And now I finally understand, what an idiot I truly am. Great writing comes with great understanding and I want to thank you.
I must defend myself though a little, by saying, that I am not a mother and never will be (by choice), and all of us, Friends, we are just trying to help - somehow. As desperate as you were once, she is now too. And I, the Friend, as well. I want to help, that's all. There is not one bitter seed in my suggestions "how to get pregnant". I just want to help, because I see my Friend so unhappy. It breaks my heart. Anyway, this blog has opened my eyes. And I want to thank you for that. Again. So.. THANK YOU.

Colleen Marie K said...

This made me laugh and ewe egg whites

LoMadsen said...

I love this so much! I read it in the new "Parenting: Uncensored" book and absolutely had to start reading your blog! I am so glad that I found it because you are hilarious, awesome and inspirational! This pretty much perfectly describes my day to day struggle when people find out hubby and I are TTC, so frustrating! Keep being super awesome and thanks for making me laugh so much!